


Unrequited Lust Hanging Over their Heads

by Vanadis (VanadisV)



Series: Forty Eight Thousand Years [7]
Category: Stargate - All Media Types, Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Bonding, Character Development, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Secrets, Friends to Lovers, Gay For You, Healing, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Slash, Missing Scene, Nightmares, Oblivious Rodney McKay, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Pining John Sheppard, Pre-Relationship, Protective Ronon Dex, Protectiveness, Romance, Romantic Soulmates, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slash, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Something Made Them Do It, Soulmates, Star-crossed, Stargate, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-19 07:14:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 71,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11892696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanadisV/pseuds/Vanadis
Summary: .Heartbroken over Rodney, now John's past catches up with him. But as he confides the whole story, that tangle of fear and pain that kept him prisoner so long falls away. A burden no longer holding them apart, he decides to risk everything and ask Rodney for a second chance..





	1. Under the Influence

**Author's Note:**

> .  
>  _No Canon required_ :This series was written to be accessible to those unfamiliar with this fandom.  
>  _Conforms with existing Canon_ : Backstories fit perfectly into the plot lines & memorable dialogue in this re-envisioned story of the first 5 seasons. The second half of this series of stories takes place post-canon (after the end of the show).  
> .  
> .  
> Useful facts for those unfamiliar with this fandom:  
> John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are members of a military unit fighting evil alien threats in the Pegasus galaxy. The other 2 people on their team, Ronon & Teyla, are not from Earth.  
> Because the military is coordinating this large international expedition, those from Earth can often referred to by either their first or last names.  
> Dr. Rodney McKay is a genius astrophysicist that is sometimes referred to as either 'McKay' or 'Rodney'; likewise Colonel John Sheppard, the team leader, may be referred to as either 'John' or 'Sheppard'.  
> John Sheppard is also the military commander of their base of operations, an alien city-ship known as 'Atlantis'; he is second in command, reporting directly to the leader of the expedition. At the very beginning of _this_ story, Dr. Elizabeth Weir is the expedition leader.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _The truth of everything between them can't be denied anymore._  
> .

.

.

John chews distastefully at the bitter food and looks questioningly at Teyla.

 

"It is a ceremonial dish, Colonel. I've eaten it many times before on my previous trading missions here for my people." Teyla turns to their hosts, "We are most grateful for you allowing us to visit your ceremonial temple and honored by your trust."

 

The beads from of Iska's red headress sway as the leader of the Asakia nods, "As we thank you for your offerings and gifts of friendship."

 

"Well," Rodney gestures to some of the crates, "if this is what you guys normally eat, I think you're really gonna like those MRE rations"

 

"McKaaay." John gives him a warning glance but thinks these people are likely too primitive to have a ZPM or any other Ancient technology.

 

"I mean, this wine is really good though," Rodney takes another swig, "What did you say these berries were called again?"

 

"Patasaquai." Iska smiles, "I am glad you approve Dr. McKay. I hope your people will enjoy the casks of wine we have offered in trade, as I am sure we will also enjoy the... Em-are-ee's... you have brought for us."

 

"Yeah, well" Ronon shoves a bite into his mouth, "We brought more than food. So, if you don't like them, there's plenty of other stuff we have to trade."

 

Iska bows and stands up gracefully, lifting her hands to her people to do the same, "We now begin our journey to the temple."

 

Rodney sputters and stops drinking, "You mean we're not there yet?"

 

Another warning glance from John and he backtracks, "I mean, great I was looking forward to another hike and, uh, now we, uh, get to do that. Again. So, that's, uh, really exciting."

 

As John radios Elizabeth to let her know the excursion will require them to spend the night, Ronon hefts the bulk of Rodney's equipment onto his back. Once again they head out into the dense foliage, leaving the village behind.

 

Despite Teyla's assurances they can trust these secretive people, John keeps a close eye on his readings to see how far they are from the Jumper. They cover some of the same terrain and backtrack before heading off further away from the Gate.

 

Noticing an odd tingling across his skin, he whispers to Teyla so the others can't hear, "you said the food only had a mild effect?"

 

"Very mild" she assures him, "Each time I have visited, the settlement has been in a different location, but I could not say exactly where. I think whatever they add to the food makes it difficult to recall later."

 

"And you're sure that's all?"

 

"We have always had peaceful trade negotiations with the Asakia; they are just very fearful of outsiders disclosing their existence to the Wraith."

 

Keeping vigilant, John checks in with Ronon and Rodney to make sure they are not feeling too effected or drugged. But even Rodney says he feels fine; the only oddity is that he isn't constantly complaining about the effects of the physical exertion on his delicate physique.

 

By the time they arrive, John realizes that he's having a little difficulty remembering the exact trajectory of their journey. At least he can still see how far they are from the Jumper and relaxes his hand from the holster of his firearm.

 

Before they are allowed to enter the temple, Iska questions them again, "Have any of you misrepresented your intentions in coming here."

 

"Well," Rodney's voice bubbles up, "maybe a little. I mean, we're hoping to find a source of energy you might be willing to trade for. Anything from the Ancients -I mean Ancestors, that you might think is just an artifact, could actually be a valuable source of energy. Especially a ZPM."

 

"McKay!" John turns in shock.

 

"So you are not here to revere the temple or learn about our culture?"

 

Teyla interjects, "We are always interested in gaining allies, learning about and respecting cultures we encounter so we might better understand each other. You know my people worship the Ancestors as yours do."

 

"But your friends..." Iska narrows her eyes at John, "You are the leader of this group. Tell me, did you come to our temple to worship the Ancestors?"

 

"No." John starts to hear himself speak so plainly, wondering if it's due to whatever was added to the food; attempting to undue the damage, he adds in a more diplomatic tone, "I mean, we intend to honor your rites and practices, to learn from them, even if we do not share your ways."

 

Iska asks to know what a 'ZPM' is and Rodney starts to launch into a longwinded technical explanation about subspace energy.

 

Ronon cuts him off before John gets the chance, "It's something the Ancestors made to power their cities and weapons. Something we use to fight the Wraith. If you have one we'd like to trade with you to get it."

 

Iska's expression relaxes as she turns to Teyla, "At least I know your friends are not Wraith worshippers, but what would they do to get this ZPM? Would they take it from us by force?"

 

"Never." Teyla shakes her head sincerely.

 

Walking up to John, Iska points to his gun, "You would not use your weapons to try to steal from us?"

 

"No." John feels like the answer tumbles from his lips before he has a chance to think; there was something in that food, like some kind of truth serum.

 

Again he elaborates to offer a more respectful explanation, "We would never take anything not freely offered in trade and we would never harm you or your people."

 

Looking up in thought, Iska pronounces, "Then you may enter the temple."

 

After such a build up, John is almost as disappointed as Rodney to find shards and pieces of what was once a ZPM that have been assembled artfully into a large sculpture on the temple altar.

 

"Is there anything we could use?" John looks over Rodney's shoulder at the energy readings.

 

"Nope." Rodney shrugs.

 

 _'Really, that's it? No tirade about what a colossal waste of time this trip was?'_ Maybe whatever was in that food is making Rodney less grumpy.

 

Later that night John decides this is definitely the case when Rodney offers no complaint about the cramped sleeping arrangements the four of them are expected to share in a yurt-like structure.

 

"I'm gonna do a perimeter sweep," John tells the rest of the team as they ready the bedding for the night; these people might trust them, but he doesn't feel the same, especially given that his guard is probably artificially lowered.

 

The camp is quiet as the embers from a few dying fire pits die out. None of the Asakia seem to take any notice of him as they crawl into their sleeping structures. Venturing further away from the ruins, John finds nothing of note. The location of the Jumper still shows up exactly where it's supposed to be, about a days walk from here.

 

From the edge of a clearing by a small stream, John hears the noise of something moving in the darkness. Someone's followed him here. He spins with his gun out. Again, another noise, louder this time, like something large ambling through the underbrush. Too loud to be one of the Asakia... maybe an animal?

 

Then a form emerges into the small clearing, "Rodney?" John holsters his weapon, "What are you doing out here?"

 

"I don't... know-I guess. " Rodney picks a broken plant frond out of his hair, "Guess I just wanted to finish what I didn't get to say earlier," he lifts the dog tags out from under his shirt, "to finish thanking you."

 

"Oh that." John tilts his head, trying to act ambivalent, "I was hoping you'd like 'em and sort of get what I was trying to say."

 

The light of the moons illuminates Rodney's face as he steps close and reaches familiarly for John's hand, "What you were trying to say?"

 

 _'Shit'_ If he's not careful all the words in his head are going to come spilling out, _'That I love you and I'd do anything to take away your pain. I wish every day I hadn't fucked things up between us so badly and I'd do anything for another chance to be with you again. '_

 

John opens his mouth and closes it again, realizing that whatever the Asakia gave him earlier is making it impossible to say anything that isn't true, "I wanted... wanted you to know how much I care."

 

"Yeah." Rodney squeezes his warm palm, "I got that and I..." his lashes flutter down nervously, "It's weird. I shouldn't but, I feel like I just wanna say..." Lifting his head defiantly, No, okay, you know what?" Rodney stares back into John's eyes with that same unabashed and open expression he had earlier in the cafeteria.

 

Sinking into the wash of emotion, John loses himself again in the glittering pools of Rodney's eyes.

 

"I wanted to run up to you this morning and..." Rodney threads his fingers into John's free hand, pulling him closer, "to hold you again. The way we were back in Scotland. To tell you how much it meant that... uh.. how much... I care too."

 

Without thinking John hugs Rodney and closes the gap between them. Unbidden, one of his hands finds the small of Rodney's back under his jacket, the other slinks up until his fingers are running through the soft hair on his head.

 

Some distant part of his mind is telling him this is wrong, but Rodney makes it disappear as he nuzzles into John's neck and glides his hand up through John's locks too.

 

"This is where I always want to be." Rodney nestles closer, "When you said you'd never leave me, I wanted to stay like this forever."

 

"I'd like that." It comes out a choked whisper, "I wish... God." John's body is tingling everywhere.

 

Then Rodney clenches his hair possessively and John loses all control, "I know it's too late and you're with Katie now. It's just... back in Antartica, if I'd known how to be... I really wish I could have been with you."

 

The fingers in his hair tighten and grip into it painfully; Rodney's body goes rigid, "Why did you..." he sounds so vulnerable, "why _did_ you stop wanting me?"

 

"I didn't. I never stopped... I just..." Ashamed, John drops his face into Rodney's shoulder and then it all comes out in a jumble, "You're the only guy I was ever... I mean, other than just a one time thing, uh, it was just you, so...

 

John keeps his head buried against Rodney as the words he's never known how to say tumble out messy and unscripted, "So I haven't known how to deal with feeling this way about you ...but I've wanted to tell you for so long, how much I..." John's body shudders as he finally admits the truth, "I-I've never loved... _anyone_ the way I love you. And I know it's too late. I ruined all that. But even getting to hold you like this right now is... amazing... God... But I'm so fucking... it's all so messed up in my head that I'm- God, I'm sorry, I, I, shouldn't be saying this, if I ever do anything to hurt you again it'll fucking kill me-

 

Rodney pushes him away just far enough to stare at John with an incredulous gape, "What do you mean you ' _love me_ '?" he demands, "What you said was 'in the way that a friend loves another friend'!"

 

Recoiling, John's shoulders sink as his head falls into his hands. ' _Jesus. God. What was in that shit they gave them?'_ He can't believe he just said all that. Fuck.

 

"Are, are you being serious?" Rodney's voice wavers timidly; he sounds scared and it pushes John past his own wall of fear.

 

"I'm sorry." John reaches out cautiously to touch the side of Rodney's head, letting his fingers lightly graze the soft auburn hair near his temples, "I didn't mean to say all that. I think whatever was in that food they gave us-"

 

"But did you mean it? I mean, is it true?" Rodney's chest rises and falls so quickly it looks like he's about to panic.

 

"Yes." Again John answers automatically. _'Dammit.'_ Mashing his lips together and wincing at his lack of self control, he folds his arms into himself, "But I didn't mean to say it out loud. I know it's the last thing you need to hear right now. Everything back in Scotland, the way we were together, and the, the dog tags, ... It's because I wanted... I just wanted to be there for you like you've been there for me. That's all. I swear. Just to show you how much I care -as a friend.

 

"But what you feel for me is more than that?" Rodney swipes his fingers across the back of John's hand like he's testing uncertain waters.

 

"Yes." The words flow without resistance, "I'm in love with you."

 

"You have no idea how hard this is for me right now-"

 

"I'm sorry." John wishes he could unwind time and stop this conversation from ever happening.

 

"How hard," Rodney interjects loudly, "I'm fighting not to say everything I feel about you right now." He palms his brow, "Yeah-yeah-yeah, okay, so whatever they gave us is definitely effecting me... it's, uh, it's making it hard not to say everything I'm thinking." He snorts, "Probably dosed us with something to make sure they could trust us to answer their questions."

 

"Okay, then," John ventures, "If I asked about these feelings you're holding in... Are you... angry?"

 

"No! I'm-" Rodney pauses, "Well, actually, maybe part of me is angry, a little."

 

"Tell me." John asks softly.

 

Rodney's mouth slants down in discomfort.

 

"Sorry. You don't have to answer that."

 

"No-no," Rodney squares his shoulders, "Okay. Fine, the truth is I want to grab you and never let go. But part of me IS angry because you constantly toy with my emotions. You can't possibly be oblivious to the fact that I've been in love with you, for like, ever. All the sudden you're saying everything I've ever wanted to hear? No, I just, I can't let myself believe it.

 

You pull me close but always push me away again. It's like some kind of game with you, whether you realize it or not. I'm not saying I don't like the closeness but... But I'm trying really hard not to give into my feelings because I know it's just some drug making you say this right now. If I give in, tomorrow you'll just act like it all means nothing."

 

Rodney grabs at the edges of John's jacket in frustration, but his eyes beg up at him like he wants to be kissed. "And-and I'll be pathetically devastated so... so if really you don't want to hurt me anymore, you won't do that."

 

"I won't do that." John answers sorrowfully, hating himself for everything; wishing he knew how to kiss a man, how to kiss Rodney and make it right; he cups his hand over his lips, reeling from everything Rodney's just said... it doesn't seem possible-

 

"Fuck." Rodney exhales a deep breath, "That felt good to say, but," ducking his head, he releases his grip on the jacket, sliding his hands under the sides and wrapping his arms around John's middle.

 

"Please don't go." Rodney whispers as his head sags back onto John's chest, "I love you. I've tried to stop but I can't, so please, don't go."

 

Clasping Rodney protectively, John struggles with his conflicting emotions; wild hope at the thought that Rodney could actually love him back, immense fear at knowing he isn't worthy of it, and the ever present awareness that Rodney's with Katie now... But this is what he's been wanting for so long. He can't, he won't ever let go.

 

"I won't. I won't push you away. I know it's not good enough just to say it. And I'm sorry I'm so screwed up but, but I do know I love you. I have for some time now. It's not some drug making me feel this way, it's just making me say things I wouldn't because..."

 

John pets Rodney's head and his voice drops, hoarse and halting, "because I just can't figure out how any of this fits with reality. You wanna to get married and have a family... I'll end up fired from Atlantis and then... Well, it's not like I'd expect you to give up your work and come back to Earth with me... So I've been trying to be okay with the way things are because I can't lose you. Now that you know everything I'm afraid I'm going to."

 

"You aren't gonna lose me." Rodney slides his hand up the back of John's shirt making him shiver at the skin on skin contact, "You're focusing on all the wrong things, but actually, I like that you've given this so much thought." His hand drifts to run up John's torso, "Honestly though, I've been in love with you a lot longer than you've been struggling with your... feelings. You have no idea how long I've missed you."

 

"What about," John exhales shakily, struggling to keep his arousal in check with Rodney pressed up against him like this, "what about Katie?"

 

Rodney huffs, "I only asked her out to get over you so... So if you really mean it, if what you feel for me is more than friendship, I'll break it off with her tomorrow... Tell me you mean it." His pitch at the end is almost pleading.

 

"I mean it." A pang seizes in John's chest over how little he really has to offer, "But I don't know how to deal with the, um, with actually being with another man. I wish I could say I knew how to do this. Even if you'd give me another chance, I'm so scared I'll mess this up again and do something wrong. And... and I've never been good at relationships. Obviously." He squeezes his eyes in pain as he caresses the side of Rodney's face, "It doesn't change how I feel about you, I just-"

 

"It's okay, I'm scared too." Rodney's hands slink across his chest and John's knees go weak "We'll take it slow. What if we just, just lie down together again. The way we did back on Earth, I mean. That felt so easy and perfect, right?" Rodney turns his chin up at the stars, "The nights here are really warm. Can't we just pretend we're back in that bed and forget everything else?"

 

"That was perfect... Yeah, that would be perfect..." John relaxes but keeps his eyes closed as Rodney teases the thin trail of hair down his stomach, lingering just above his pelvis.

 

Then Rodney starts to unbuckle the belt and John's eyes go wide. "Oh-okay... Slow?"

 

"Just like with less clothes, um, like we were back in that bed together?" Rodney asks timidly.

 

"Oh, so." John can't think of anything in the world he'd want more right now," Okay, that."

 

"Okay." Rodney lifts his head with a shy smile and tugs at John's jacket, "Then, take this off."

 

A shocked and nervous laugh erupts from John's gut, "What's happened to the McKay I know?"

 

"What do you mean?" Rodney pulls off his own jacket with a suspicious glare.

 

"No fretting about exposure to dangerous pollens and allergens?"

 

Kneeling, Rodney arranges his jacket on the ground, "These'll make a good enough bed," He pulls off his shirt and makes a larger covering, "Besides I think we've already been exposed to whatever these plants were going to do to us."

 

John's eyes flick over Rodney's body as he strips out of his pants and boots, his own hands shaking as he takes off his jacket.

 

"What?" Rodney glances up self-consciously.

 

"Uh," John licks his lips, "you're just... so..."

 

"So...?" Rodney frowns anxiously as he stands tall again.

 

"Sexy." John traces Rodney's bare shoulder bone and dares to run his hand down the smooth arm; God, the sight of him with nothing but his boxers on is making his cock swell.

 

"Oh. Okay, good" Rodney gives a lopsided smile as he lifts John's shirt up and helps him pull it over his head.

 

"Mmmm... actually, we still had our shirts on back in Scotland." Not that John's complaining; the sensation of Rodney's bare chest against his sends sparks arching through his body and he surrenders to the intoxicating flush.

 

Snaking his hands over Rodneys' back and winding them over his body with all the desire he's held back, John murmurs through a haze of arousal as Rodney loosens his belt. "But this is better than perfect."

 

His breath hitches as his pants drop suddenly from the weight of his gun. Rodney's as hard as he is. Pressed right up against him. In John's stomach there is this amazing fluttering feeling, and lower, the throbbing pressure of Rodney's hard cock against his.

 

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, after episode 17 & before episode 19  
> .


	2. John's whole world changes in a day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John finally gets to be with Rodney the way he's longed to._  
> .

.  
.

 

Heart racing, John can't move, can't let go of Rodney or this moment, not even to untangle his pant legs from his boots; the tiniest scratch of a noise comes from his throat, "Rodney?"

 

It feels like Rodney's heart is pounding is hard as his, "Uh-huh?" he answers weakly.

 

"Just please," John tries to catch his breath, "tell me if I do something wrong?"

 

The thin material of their boxers feels almost nonexistent as Rodney's arms tighten around his waist. They stay wrapped around each other without any space between them, then Rodney slides his palm up to John's cheek and tilts his face down.

 

Staring at John's lips, he swipes his thumb slowly over the bottom one, "Just. Don't. Leave."

 

John shivers in the warm jungle air and Rodney blinks at him with a curious expression, "You're afraid to kiss me."

 

Embarrassed, John nods, "I want to. I, I wanted to, that night on the pier. I just... freaked out... cause, other than you I- ...with guys it's always been just sex."

 

Rodney presses his thumb to stop the words and shakes his head like he understands, "You've never kissed a guy."

 

He presses his lips against John's chest, the vibration of his voice a warm hum as he speaks, "What kinds of things have you done with guys?

 

John's face warms with shame. There is an old, primal instinct to escape the searing intensity of his emotions, the part of his brain that's still disgusted with himself for being attracted to a man. But his need to be close to Rodney is stronger. He wants to lose himself in every way possible to him. To take him in every way possible.

 

"It was different." John answers awkwardly, "Like, a, a quick get off with a hand or, um, the other thing. Over fast, easy to forget. There wasn't as much... talking or touching." He finally finds the courage to meet Rodney's gaze, "Less ...intimate.

 

"Less?" Rodney gives him a weird look like he couldn't imagine John being less intimate.

 

God, he feels so inadequate. But he wants to try, to show Rodney how much his heart belongs to him.

 

But before he can lean down to attempt a kiss, Rodney's fingers are circling under his eyes, "It's okay. I'm not going to do anything I'm not ready for either."

 

A silent whimper of disappointment sticks in his throat as Rodney pulls him down onto the little covering of clothes and helps him out of his boots. John could care less about the loose dirt and leaves underneath them, the moment he's free from the rest of his uniform, he rolls and pulls Rodney back into him. Having Rodney in his arms, his smooth skin on his, the natural way their bodies match each other, it's like home.

 

Bare legs tangled together, Rodney twists and curls up around his back. Mimicking the way John held him in Scotland, he lightly sweeps his fingertips through John's hair and over his chest.

 

"Ohhh, this feels right," Rodney makes a noise of satisfaction, "the way we fit together."

 

"It does." John swallows at the lightheaded rush it gives him as Rodney rubs against his back with the slight movement of his caresses, "I love feeling you so hard for me." John bites his lip, "Sorry is that to much?"

 

He can feel Rodney smiling as he presses his face between his shoulder blades, "No."

 

"I just, I've missed this so much."

 

A warm palm presses against his heart "Tell me what you've missed."

 

"Everything, Rodney..." John sighs, "everything. Especially the things we haven't done yet."

 

"Mmmmmm." Rodney sounds almost pained as his hand slides down to John's abdomen, teasing just above his waistband, "What if... what if we..." he inches a dip of John's boxers to expose his hipbone, "I want to feel you without these."

 

"I think... that would be..." John's words fall into the shallow breaths between them,"…even more perfect." His hand closes over Rodney's as they pull the cloth over his cramped erection to release it.

 

The slight stir of the warm breeze across his bare and aching cock makes it jump and John shakes with the shear force of his lust. As Rodney unwinds his legs, John slowly rolls onto his back and tries to think straight but he can't. His jaw drops as thoughts trail away into formless, instinctual need.

 

When John turns his head, a soft hitching sound escapes him as he falls into the depth of Rodney's eyes again; he never fails to be breathtaking. John wets his lips imagining how he'd kiss Rodney.

 

"God." Rodney's voice is raspy and low, taking John's hand with a quick sidelong glance at his cock, "I can't believe this is really happening."

 

"Are we still taking it slow?" John reaches to cup Rodney's face.

 

"I don't want to..." Rodney leans into John's hand but his brows furrow, "but I have to... have to be sure you aren't going to change your mind again."

 

Tracing the angle of Rodney's cheekbone, his hand follows the line until it slides and holds under his jaw, "I'm not going to change my mind." It would be so easy to pull Rodney closer now, to close the gap between their lips.

 

"Right." Rodney smirks like they're bantering in their usual manner, he reaches back and cards his fingers through John's hair. The opening to kiss him seems gone, but something about Rodney's assuming touch feels wonderfully familiar and eases away the edges of tension in him. Quirking an amused smile, John starts to smooth the rumpled mess of his unruly mane.

 

"Leave it." Rodney playfully bats his hand away, "I love it when your hair does that."

 

"You get so bossy." John narrows his eyes and rolls tactically to grab Rodney and spoon him from behind. "You...ahhhhh", his head lolls back in pleasure as his hard cock rubs against the crease of Rodney's boxers.

 

His straying hands relish Rodney's skin, taking in everything as John moves them over his arms, chest, down his stomach. He feels Rodney tremble under his touch as one hand slopes under the boxers and over the tight curve of his ass. He grips into the firmness, maybe a little too hard.

 

"Sorry." John holds his hand in place like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't, "You're just so..."

 

When he doesn't finish, Rodney prompts, "So...?"

 

"Hot." he mumbles inarticulately.

 

Feeling like a fumbling teenager, John presses his face into Rodney's back, his hand still holding that gravity defying ass that he's missed so much. _'Focus John’_ He has to be careful, so careful not to fuck this up somehow. A flash of Rodney crying on that shower floor goes through his mind and he winces. Then the painful intrusion of another memory: shoving Rodney against a wall and telling him never to try to be with him again.

 

No matter how much he doesn't want to, he's going to fail Rodney again, just like he's failed everyone that's mattered to him. Why Rodney would even want him after all-

 

"John?" Rodney takes the loose wrist draped over him and turns it to thread his fingers through.

 

There's so much emotion in the way Rodney touches him, he can feel everything. Sweetness, concern, longing, desire... and a need for John to reassure him.

 

"I don't deserve to have you love me back," John's lips quiver at the base of Rodney's neck, "but I love you and I hate myself for pushing you away."

 

Rodney squeezes his hand and leans back, curving into John every way possible, as if his body craves him.

 

Soft and almost ridiculously shy, John's lips press down into the smooth arch of Rodney's nape, puckering into a chaste kiss. Wanting to show Rodney what's really in his heart, to express more than just attraction, he starts to pull his hand back out from the boxers.

 

Whip fast, Rodney's free hand seizes his wrist with a noise of protest, "Don't. Don't stop or, pull back or whatever you're thinking right now, just don't."

 

"N-no I'm not, not doing that." Tightening into the fingers still threaded through his, John hugs Rodney's arm back into them. "I just didn't want to be so... I dunno, I just want to make you feel..." His heart pounds in his chest as the words fail him; he rubs his face against Rodney's shoulder, breath warm over the sleek sheen of Rodney's skin, he husks, "I- I love you."

 

"Do you?" Rodney's tone is inviting; the hand holding John's wrist in place over his ass, goes languid and slides over the top of his fingers.

 

"Mmmmm-Hmmmm." John groans in agreement as he reverently curves his touch over the ass he worships; without thinking, he kisses into the curve of the bicep that always drives him crazy.

 

Rodney sighs wantonly, pulling down his boxers and releasing his bounding cock.

 

Staring at it, John's breath quickens, "God, your so..." his teeth unwittingly sink a little bit into Rodney's bicep.

 

"Hot?" Rodney suggests.

 

"Yeah," John glides his fingers lightly over Rodney's bare ass and down the sensitive flank of his inner thigh, "That."

 

He can't stop staring at Rodney's perfectly shaped and well-endowed cock. Helping him guide the boxers all the way off, John runs his fingers back up the inside of Rodney's leg, back up to feel his lush ass again.

 

Their folded fingers unfurl, wandering to explore each other and John thinks he's never seen anything hotter than watching Rodney move under his hands, making those little gasping, uneven sighs.

 

Then the tip of his own erection featherlight, ghosts against Rodney’s crack.

 

John's vision blurs as he sucks in a sharp breath.

 

"Oh God." Rodney shudders, "This is all... uh..." With another flutter, he cranes his head back to look at John, "really different than... uh..."

 

John loses himself in the gaze they share. He feels wide open and unguarded, safe and held, because that's what he sees reflected back in Rodney's expression. Lavishing Rodney's body with gentle caresses, he waits for him to catch his breath and finish what he's trying to say.

 

"'S different than.. ah..."

 

Calculating it with the movement of his hands, John lets his whole shaft brush up against Rodney this time.

 

"Ungh" Rodney's eyes squeeze shut, "anything we've done before. God." He hooks John’s leg, suddenly pulling them tight, tangled against each other again so John's cock is nestled in his crack.

 

"Ugh-uh." John grips onto Rodney's shoulder to steady the rolling rush that quakes through him.

 

"John?" There is no mistaking the same urgent need in Rodney's tone.

 

All slipped up around Rodney, it feels like John's whole body is rippling in a current.

 

Rodney moves his legs just enough to angle his hips and slide back and over John's shaft.

 

His arms still wrapped around Rodney's torso and waist, John's muscles contract, hands clenching into Rodney as his cock slakes, smooth and slow against his crack

 

For a beat his hands stay frozen, then he pulls Rodney's head back possessively, petting over his brow and through his hair.

 

The whimper of surrender Rodney makes reminds John of his unanswered need. Rodney doesn't want to be fucked, but he _wants_...

 

Somehow sure of himself, John closes his hand around the thick and waiting shaft.

 

Groaning and going slack against him, Rodney spasms, his half-slit eyes roll back in pleasure as his head falls back again into John's hand.

 

What Rodney wants is for John to make him feel love and desired.

 

He can do that, he can translate the emotions through touch. He wants to make Rodney white out in bliss; the way he did for John when he gave him that blowjob in a field. God, that blowjob...

 

His chest warms in excitement at the clear pool of pre-cum pooling at the tip. Using the slight slick to spread sensation over the head, John catches the underside slightly on the upstroke, hoping Rodney likes that -since that's always felt good to him.

 

By the soft, sexy noises he's making, Rodney seems to like it too. John's only done this a few times before but it was never like this. He wants to make this amazing for Rodney, he wants...

 

For the first time in his life John wants to know how to give a man a blowjob. No, not a man. Rodney. He wants to do that to Rodney. If he uses his hand just right, maybe he can make it feel almost as good. Remembering the way Rodney's lips felt around him, John makes silky movements as he flicks his wrist, compressing at strategic points.

 

John slides himself with Rodney's rocking hips, cock so hard it almost hurts, he feels the blinding white orgasm building deep in his groin. It's so hot watching Rodney come undone for him like this; his head leaning back in abandon, letting John hold him, his body writhing against him.

 

He strokes Rodney's head while stroking his cock. Supple and dreamy John tries out new techniques, cataloging Rodney's reactions to learn what feels best to him.

 

So Rodney can relax completely into the rhythm, John repositions himself and takes control of the rocking motion. It feels like they're building in unison, his own excitement pitching up as he takes Rodney there.

 

He wants to make this last forever, so he draws it out as long as he can. He draws it out until he feels mild tremors under his fingers. Rodney's close now.

 

One deliberate stroke after another, John guides him to the crest of the wave, riding it to a high as he wrings Rodney's orgasm from him.

 

As Rodney gushes into his hand, it pushes John over the edge; holding his breath, he milks it for the last bit of intensity, before his own wave crashes. His mouth presses into Rodney's shoulder, a muffled cry, as he spasms and the soft skin on Rodney's ass goes slick.

 

Rodney is still cumming for him, screaming out, his body floundering, helpless under John's touch. Bringing himself back from the dizzying brink, John pets Rodney's head and keeps him riding through the rolling aftershocks.

 

And then at last Rodney goes limp.

 

Almost a kiss, John holds his lips to the side of Rodney's flushed temple, dampened by a faint sheen of perspiration.

 

"John." Rodney says the one word with his eyes closed, but everything is conveyed in the fragile, blissful way he whispers the name.

 

Frozen for moment, John's breath catches at the aching beauty of Rodney's form; the contented, boneless way he lets John hold him.

 

He rests for moment in that vulnerable place with him; then John has to collapse himself. He has to catch his breath, he can barely breathe. They are both panting hard, laying in a messy sprawl of feverish afterglow.

 

Their breaths seems to come in the same waves. And then Rodney's hand finds his, locking them together; he shifts, fitting them back where they belong. John hungrily leans into Rodney's tender embrace.

 

His eyelids start to droop and he feels his body soften, his breath slow, sinking into a hazy half-doze. Time slides away with Rodney curled into his chest.

 

"We need to find a way to sleep in the same bed from now on." Rodney slurs lazily.

 

"That'll be easy to work out." John gives a small laugh.

 

But as they hold each other, basking in the reverberations, they start trading ideas, planning it out, trying to figure the way to be together while keeping it secret.

 

When they finally crawl up to wash off in the stream, John is already missing the absence of Rodney's touch. He can't imagine ever trying to spend a night in a bed without him. Everything feels so different now. His whole world has shifted in a day. Even though he knows this is just the barest beginning, Rodney is already deeper in his soul than he thought anyone could ever reach.

 

He tries to verbalize these thoughts in a romantic way and profess his love but it comes out all jumbled; they end up teasing each other about what they plan to do once they get back to that yurt, joking abut how they'll be quiet enough that Ronon and Teyla will never notice their affair.

 

 _'Ronon and Teyla.'_ John realizes they've been gone for hours.

 

A jolt of fear runs through him at the thought they might still be awake and wondering where they are. Thankfully the warm air has quickly dried away the wetness of the water and he hurriedly pulls his clothes back on.

 

"We should get back." he says it too fast, a hint of internal panic creeping into his tone.

 

"Right" Rodney's expression goes grave, "I know we need to be really careful, and I promise I will be."

 

John flushes, he's been so lost in his happiness over being given a second chance; the images in his mind, dreams and fantasies of what life will be like now. But the reality is Rodney's giving up his relationship with Katie just to have a secret affair with him. With John he has to deal with hiding everything between them, he hates the fact that he's even asking him to.

 

But then he looks to Rodney and there's only him, and wanting him... and knowing that he wants John back. Whatever happens, whether he loses his job or not, Rodney means more than anything else John once considered important.

 

.

* * *

.

 

"Took you long enough" Ronon yawns awake as John and Rodney come back into the shelter and moves to make space for them, "Find anything?"

 

"No, no, just wanted to be sure." John clears his throat.

 

As he tosses back to his side, Ronon hears Rodney whispering to John. They're trying to be quiet as they take off their jackets but the two of them keep talking in hushed tones. His mind returns to what he saw in Scotland and wonders what's really going on between them.

 

Shaking his head, he pulls one of the pillows over his face to blot out the noise and drifts off again.

 

In the morning, Ronon is first to wake. He's about to shake Teyla when he notices McKay nestled up against Sheppard's chest. Even asleep, the way John's arm is draped over him is overly familiar and intimate. One thing he's figured out at least, is that they're trying to keep whatever this is a secret, so he sits up slowly.

 

Turning back on his side and facing away from them, Ronon coughs and moves loudly as if he's just rousing, "Guess it's time to head back out. Sheppard, you awake?"

 

"I am now, Chewie." John answers sarcastically.

 

Teyla starts to stir and by the time Ronon turns around, McKay is upright quickly pulling on his jacket and complaining about how they don't have any coffee. Frowning, he wonders why McKay's jacket is so dirty and rumpled.

 

As their guides lead them back to the Jumper, Ronon can't help but notice their sidelong glances and secretive smiles. The two of them start to hang back by themselves, laughing and talking for some time. Then a few hours later, Rodney heads over to Ronon to complain about how long they've been hiking and how heavy the bags are.

 

"Well, good thing I'm carrying most of them then, right?" Ronon keeps up his brisk pace.

 

"I'm serious." Rodney whines, "I'm not feeling well. I think I need to rest."

 

"We'll be there soon enough." Ronon is unsympathetic.

 

"But, but I might have a fever or something. I mean who knows what kind of insects could be biting us."

 

"You'll live."

 

"You can't know that.", Rodney fusses, "I mean, where are they even taking us? And who knows what kind of dangers we'll be exposed to spending a night in the jungle?"

 

John closes in on Ronon's other side, patting his shoulder, "Look, I've been checking my readings and either we're headed the wrong way intentionally since they're trying to keep the location secret or... or I don't know. But we're almost back at the gate," he shakes his head at Rodney, asking, "You seeing the same thing I am here?"

 

"Yeah-yeah-yeah. And I'm pretty sure something poisonous is biting me because... Ahhh!" Rodney slaps at his neck and looks at his palm, "Okay, nothing that time, but something definitely bit me earlier." Rodney makes a face of annoyance at their guides, "But right now we're just wasting time and walking back toward the Jumper.

 

"Right." Ronon frowns at the device in Rodney's hand, "We're almost back."

 

John lifts his brows wearily. "Think Teyla has any idea how much longer it's gonna be before we get to the temple?"

 

Ronon takes a closer look at John and notices how pale his skin looks, "Hold on." He places a hand on Sheppard's shoulder to stop him, "You guys seem... You know we're not headed for the temple, right?"

 

"Why not?" Rodney balks, "Isn't that the whole reason we're trekking through this God-forsaken thicket of a jungle?"

 

"We checked it out last night, McKay..." Ronon wonders if the drug in the food effected the others more intensely than it did him and calls out ahead, "Teyla! How clear is your memory right now... your sense of direction?"

 

Teyla swings around and walks back to the group, "Not completely clear, I don't think I'd be able to lead us back to the temple." She squints up at the sun, "Maybe back to the village, but as I said, the Asakia are nomadic."

 

"Back to the temple?" Rodney, sets down his bag in frustration, "I thought you hadn't seen it before."

 

"I hadn't until yesterday." Teyla wipes a loose strand of hair from her face, "I'm sorry it wasn't what we'd hoped."

 

"You guys remember eating the food at the village, the stuff Teyla said might make our memory a little fuzzy?" Ronon peers at Sheppard and then McKay; they both look too pale.

 

"Yeah." John rubs at the back of his head. "So you're saying, we've actually already been there?"

 

"Exactly. What's the last thing you remember?" Ronon questions.

 

"I radioed Elizabeth earlier, we packed our gear and headed out..." John screws his face up," for the temple and..." he looks to Rodney, "Wait, how long have we been walking?"

 

Rodney checks his tablet, "Uh, I think maybe... Actually, it's seems we've somehow, uh, lost a day."

.

* * *

.

 

"Still, doesn't make sense." Rodney fiddles with the IV in his arm while they wait to get clearance to leave the infirmary.

 

"Your turn," John looks up from the tablet after making his move on their game of video golf .

 

"I don't care what Jennifer says, differences between human populations in two galaxies can't be that pronounced." he rationalizes.

 

"I don't know. She says Ronon and Teyla have natural immunities to certain plants native to Pegasus." John shrugs at him and returns his attention to the screen. "Your turn."

 

"But I just have this feeling." Rodney can't explain it but something feels like it's missing; obviously his memory of the last day, but something more, something he needed. "What if there was something I discovered that was important?"

 

"Would have shown up on the readings. Check them again if you want." John sounds bored, "You taking your turn or what?"

 

Blinking at his mental fog of the mission, Rodney heaves a sigh and returns to the game, "Fine, fine. Okay, your move."

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 3, after episode 17 & before episode 19  
> .


	3. Bad Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John is haunted by memories of the past and what could have been._  
> .

.  
.

 

Too tired to head for the gym, John wishes there was some kind of better therapy to deal with this heartache. But returning from their recent misadventure on the newly discovered underwater drilling platform, he is exhausted. His only other recourse is to retreat back to his room for some Johnny Cash and try to sleep. 

 

The next weeks bring a lull and John finds himself wishing for the adrenaline of a new emergency, something to stop the train wreck in his mind. He falls into a dull rhythm, going through the paces. Of course he spends time with Rodney when he can; he seems to be past the worst of it with Carson. But Rodney has taken John's advice about Katie and stopped isolating himself from her. Still, when he isn't busy with Katie, they get a chance to play chess and catch up. John likes to see the relief of the dog tags under Rodney's shirt. It provides him some comfort to feel like he's given him something to help ease the pain. And it reminds John of their time together in Scotland.

 

 _Katie._ So, maybe the two of them aren't perfectly suited for each other, but Rodney is happy. At least, he and Katie seem to be doing well. John would never say any of this, but he thinks Katie is too boring for Rodney. She's flat and one-dimensional while Rodney is dynamic and complicated. Katie has no sense of humor at all. She is just nice, too nice and polite, a drab botanist. What Rodney really needs is someone he can banter and laugh with. Someone who inspires passion but makes him feel safe enough to share his worst fears and deepest desires. That isn't Katie. 

 

John forces himself to stop obsessing before his train of thought goes too far. He knows he isn't the one Rodney needs, but John aches for him. He can't stop imagining what it would feel like if Rodney wanted him back. It is an abstract idea; a longing that doesn't match with reality. What Rodney wants is a pretty wife, someone he can share a domestic life with, not a man. And not someone who's never figured out how to have a real relationship.

 

The old fear John has always harbored about being gay, being a 'faggot', is something he can't hide from any more. Still he doesn't think he is completely gay, he's definitely attracted to women. He doesn't want to be with a guy, any guy -or any woman for that matter. He just wants Rodney.

 

Nights John spends in the gym working out his frustration. To sleep he listens to Johnny Cash. Mornings he wakes with thoughts of Rodney and strokes his cock to one of the various images in his mental library.

 

Flipping through them back in time, John has plenty to choose from. Sometimes he likes to change the outcomes and add his own endings. The two nights they recently spent in each other's arms back in Scotland are the latest additions. Holding Rodney so close, their bodies wrapped around each other, it felt like they'd always belonged that way… Trailing his fingers down the side of Rodney's cheek… Rodney running his fingers through John's hair and clenching his fist into it like he couldn't stop himself….

 

Then there was the time Rodney held John when he was suffering from that PTSD episode. The way Rodney had loved and accepted him, the way he'd pulled John into an embrace that John would never have known how to ask for. Rodney had given him what he needed, even when John hadn't known himself. Then he'd invited John to stay in his quarters anytime he felt like it. After that John practically lived on Rodney's couch. Back on Earth they'd spent a lot of nights together in the same bed, but John hadn't dared to let himself get as close as he'd really wanted to. Not until they were together in Scotland and he'd finally held Rodney in his arms ...but by then it was too late with Katie in the picture. He frowns, no Katie allowed in his fantasies. 

 

What else?

 

Oh. The massages. Rodney had touched his back, touched his skin like he couldn't get enough. John felt so much aching and longing in that touch. Or maybe it had just been his own longing? When John gave Rodney a massage, he was under the influence of that potion, but everything he felt was real. The drug just allowed him to suppress any normal boundaries or fears. All he'd wanted to do was please Rodney. He'd adored, worshipped, and lavished attention over Rodney's back. He hadn't had to worry about his fear of being attracted to another man. He hadn't been worried that Rodney felt his hard-on pressed up against him. Of course they never talked about it afterward. Just like they never talk about any of this stuff.

 

The best blowjob John ever had was also thanks to an alien influence. But he still feels guilty about that. Rodney never would have done it if he hadn't been drugged with the Wraith enzyme and John should have stopped it. He'd tried to resist but Rodney'd been so aggressive, strong beyond belief. He'd wrestled John to the ground and made him admit how much he wanted Rodney to take him. John shudders remembering the fierce bite at the base of his neck. No one has ever dominated him like that and John had surrendered to the unknown pleasure of it. The orgasm had shocked him with its intensity. Rodney claimed him. Even though Rodney wasn't in his right mind, John's been inextricably bound to him since then. He doesn't think he could ever be free of Rodney now.

 

It's painful to think further back in time, to the night they were under the stars -lying so close, breathing together. John's skin had been burning with desire when Rodney tried to kiss him, but John had pulled away. More than that, he'd pushed Rodney, as hard as he knew how to. Scared and angry with himself, Rodney had gotten the brunt of that anger. 

 

Rodney had still cared for John in those days, still wanted him.

 

And John had twisted those feelings back into a knife that Rodney would feel. That is probably when he lost Rodney forever. But he likes to imagine he had stayed instead and let Rodney kiss him, that he had kissed Rodney back and taken him right there on that pier.

 

They had been getting so close before that fateful night. John couldn't admit it to himself then, but he knows now that he'd begun to fall in love with Rodney. He remembers hugging Rodney in the back of the Jumper after that shoot out with the Wraith. He's never hugged anyone like that, never wanted to let his guard down. Something about Rodney always makes him want to do that.

 

The earliest memories, are the most compelling sexually, of course. John had fucked Rodney over and over, he'd taken him every way he wanted to and Rodney had given in to him completely. John remembers the first night when he asked if Rodney would let him. Rodney had just gulped his beer and nodded, his eyes like a deer in the headlights. Rodney hadn't expected John to take him right there on the couch. He'd liked surprising McKay like that. Back then he'd just been McKay. And it had been all on John's terms.

 

One time, John grabbed McKay into a supply closet to have his way with him. McKay had struggled at first and then given in as John had fucked him with his pants still around his ankles. Now that he knows more about McKay's history, the rape, it all feels wrong somehow. He hadn't been gentle or tender enough, and he thinks he may have- No, he knows he hurt Rodney, maybe not physically, but emotionally. It was the only relationship he's ever had with a man and John had tried in his pitiful way to express some of the genuine care and tenderness he was letting himself feel, but it wasn't enough. Not nearly enough. And still, as shut down and afraid as John had been, Rodney had cared enough to reach out for more, to still try to reach him.

 

If John had the chance to do it again, he would make love to Rodney. John has no idea how to make love to a man, but he wants to believe he could. What he feels for Rodney now is pure love. John's been able to show that as a friend. 

 

In his fantasies he imagines showing it in other ways too. He imagines the way he would make love to McKay now. Squeezing his cock and cumming in a rush; he arches his head back groaning, "Rodney."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Ronon has convinced Rodney to come to the gym for sparring lessons to try to get to know him better, hoping to understand him and see what has John so obsessed. But Rodney just isn't very good at fighting or bonding doing the physical kinds of things Ronon does, so the effort hasn't been very successful. Maybe he should go a little softer on the guy. Rodney really is terrible at the fighting stuff. And getting McKay to talk to him hasn't been going great either. Not that Ronon is usually all that great at talking about stuff.

 

After losing everyone and everything once before in his life, Ronon finally has a few people that matter to him and he doesn't take it for granted. He's closest with Teyla and John, but he's come to care about McKay in his own way. Lorne is a good  guy too, but he feels the greatest loyalty for his teammates. Teyla is easy. She's an open book, warm and caring but a fierce warrior to practice combat with. John is different; Ronon's allegiance to him goes far deeper than just a military commander he respects. He and John, well… John might not trust him completely, but to Ronon, they feel like brothers.

 

So even if John isn't going to tell him what's going on, it has been hard not to see John and Rodney's interactions in a new light. Ever since Ronon visited Earth, he has realized the two of them seem to have a secret language. They exchange private looks that Ronon can't translate. On missions, they often walk close together, communicating instinctively through touch. Then there is the way that John will say Rodney's name, 'McKay'. And depending on the intonation, Rodney seems to know exactly what he means.

 

Ronon used to think that the two of them had a more superficial connection and trouble getting along with each other. But now, he suspects Rodney actually knows John a whole lot better than he does. He is coming to understand the playfulness behind their banter. 

 

Like on this last mission, when they were exploring the underground tunnels of the abandoned Taranan settlement, the two of them kept having little arguments. Such as, whether they found 'pods' or 'eggs'. John often makes strange facial expressions at Rodney as if he is annoyed or exasperated. He looks intently at McKay like he is trying to put him in his place, but there is a warmth and familiarity he is trying to cover by furrowing his brows. And Rodney's glares, they aren't really glares; it's a game between the two of them. Rodney acts angry but the corners of his mouth or his eyes give away his amusement.

 

After John set some C4 to destroy those eggs, or pods, or whatever they were that Michael created, Rodney complained. "I think you singed my eyebrows."

 

John gave Rodney one of those looks, but Ronon could see he was trying not to smile.

 

"Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?" Rodney's face was pressed into a petty pout but his eyes were twinkling with mirth.

 

There is something in the way John holds himself; his eyes linger on Rodney. It's always been there. Ronon just never noticed it until now. It's not any different from how John has always been on a mission. But now that Ronon knows how John feels, it's hard not to see the restrained affection for Rodney bleeding through the mask of command.

 

Thinking back to the aftermath of the Taranan resettlement site again, Ronon feels a stirring of anger. He had been dead set against the experiment with Michael from the beginning. And after Atlantis had created its own monster, Elizabeth had let it escape instead of killing it immediately when they had the chance.

 

Now all the Taranans are dead and Michael is still out there conducting his own genetic experiments with humans and Iratus bugs in order to create his twisted army of hybrid creatures. If Ronon sees Michael again, he's not going to wait for permission. No matter what John says; he will kill him on sight.

 

Heading to the gym, Ronon finds John punching away as usual, with the familiar pain in his eyes.

 

Sauntering up to the bag, he asks, "So, we ever gonna talk about this?"

 

When there is no reply, Ronon ventures, "How 'bout you fight me for it?"

 

Grimacing as if remembering the last time he fought Ronon when he was tired and angry, John relents, "Fine. Let's talk."

 

"Okay." Ronon tries not to reveal his surprise.

 

John takes off his gloves and looks nervously to the door, closing it with his mind. Sitting next to Ronon on a stack of floor mats, John relaxes his face into his hands. Ronon waits for him to begin but he only sighs.

 

"It can't be that bad." Ronon starts.

 

"I'm kinda -I'm embarrassed to say, that it is. Yeah."

 

"Why are you embarrassed?" Ronon asks.

 

"This kind of stuff shouldn't be bothering me." John shrugs, "I have a job to do and I'm-"

 

After a moment, John begins again, "And, it’s kind of, uh, messing with me right now."

 

"I can see that." Ronon keeps his voice low.

 

"There's someone -a woman," John looks at Ronon cautiously, "that I can't let go of."

 

Confused that John is going to refer to McKay as woman, Ronon raises his eyebrows, figuring this is better than nothing, "Someone you were dating?"

 

"Yeah." John pauses.

 

"And now?"

 

"Now she's with someone else." 

 

"You love her?" Ronon says it more like a statement than a question.

 

"Yeah." John rubs the back of his neck, "More than I've ever loved anyone."

 

"I thought you said that there wasn't anyone on the station that you-"

 

"I lied." John's voice is flat, "Sort of. I never really finished that thought. There's no one on the station that I want to be with -except for someone who doesn't want to be with me."

 

"When did you guys stop seeing each other?"

 

"It's complicated." John exhales slowly, "Guess about 3 years ago. We weren't together long. I fucked it up pretty bad, actually fucked it up a few times, even after it was over, it's... hard to understand or explain, even to myself. Let's just say, whatever chance I had, I messed it up. But she-we stayed friends, even kind of close in a way. Just, I just didn't realize how deep my feelings were until it was too late.

 

I, ah, was gonna to try to see if we could, you know, if she'd give me another chance. But she found someone else, someone much better at making her happy. She deserves that so I'm happy for her... but I'm not because it feels…" John's voice gets too heavy to continue.

 

"But what if she feels the same way about you?" Ronon inquires.

 

"She doesn't." John gives him a dark look.

 

Ronon starts to speak but John cuts him off, " Believe me, I would know. Besides I don't wanna fuck up the friendship too. It means a lot to me to still have that."

 

Out of curiosity, Ronon asks, "What makes her so special? I mean why her?"

 

John presses his lips together before responding, "She's…. she's the most amazing person I've ever met. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm flying. The way she looks at me… she sees me for who I really am. No one's ever known me that way. And in a way she's like me. She doesn't get close to other people easily but we, we somehow manage to get through to each other. I see her the way she sees me, and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever known.

 

"Beautiful, huh?" Somehow not the word Ronon would pick to describe McKay.

 

"It's not just physical... But yeah, there’s that. Her eyes are like huge pools of blue water, so expressive, like her hands." John laughs "And that tight little ass."

 

"Her ass." Ronon starts laughing too because he can't believe John is talking about McKay's ass that way; he shakes his head in amusement.

 

"But it's her spirit too" John says more seriously, "funny, whip smart, kind of dorky. Even though she's a know-it-all and drives me crazy, it's intense. Just so intense. She's it, you know?" John's voice gets soft, "The love of my life."

 

"You're life isn't over yet." Ronon offers.

 

"This isn't something…" John shakes his head, "There's no getting over this. Not even if I wanted to. And I don't think... I _don't_ want to."

 

"Okay." Ronon accepts that, "Well, you still gotta do something. 'Cause whatever you've been doing isn't working."

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

"You mean my therapy?" John makes a bemused expression, thinking of his limited options.

 

"Therapy?" Ronon screws up his face.

 

"Yeah." John explains, "Mostly being alone and… and punching things."

 

"Sounds like your therapy kinda sucks. How 'bout," Ronon suggests, "from now on you spend time with your friends instead of alone? Or, you could, you know -just try to get laid. Sometimes that helps."

 

When John doesn't answer, Ronon makes an addendum, "Look, if you hang out with me, you don't have to talk. -Or talk if you want. But you don't have to pretend that everything's okay. I'm saying, just be where you're at, but don't do it alone."

 

Ronon is right; his therapy sucks. John nods in surrender.

 

Over the next few weeks John starts spending more time with Ronon again, introducing him to more of Earth's important cultural offerings. 'The Abyss' is first on the menu for movie night.

 

It does feel better than spending time alone pining over Rodney. Maybe Ronon is right about the other thing too; maybe he should just get laid.

 

.

.

 

John looks out over the balcony with Teyla and Ronon, staring up at the red beam of energy raining down on the shield. Well, he has his emergency now, not that it has helped much. There's nothing for him to do but wait... stuck inside his own head waiting for Rodney and Zelenka to come up with another solution. Sinking the city to the bottom of the ocean has barely dissipated the intensity of the Replicator's satellite laser. They've only gained a few additional hours before the ZPM is depleted.

 

That ship the IOA sent with the warheads, the Apollo, was unable to damage the weapon; it's protected by a massive power source at the other end. And since it's constructed around an open Stargate, they have no means of dialing out to escape.

 

Maybe Rodney was right to criticize the directives from Earth; launching a preemptive nuclear strike on the Replicator home world was a bit like poking a sleeping a dragon. Still, the Replicators weren't building that many ships just to make a run on Atlantis; they were headed for Earth and needed to be stopped.

 

"I need to learn some science." Ronon speaks up.

 

"What for?" John asks.

 

"I'm not all that useful in situations like these. If we get into a fight or need to break out of somewhere, you know, kill someone, I'm your man" Ronon lifts his head upward again, "but a laser attacking the city's shield, I don't know where to chip in."

 

"That's why we're a team," John smiles, "like… the Fantastic Four."

 

Teyla and Ronon look at him quizzically, and he explains, "It's a comic book where super heroes fight crime and stuff. See, I'd be Mister Fantastic. Ronon would be the thing. McKay would be the human torch." John turns to Teyla, "You'd be the Invisible Woman."

 

"I am not invisible." Teyla says in her sincere way.

 

"No. No, and McKay is not a human torch. ' _Why did he think they'd get the comic book references he and Rodney always throw around?"_

 

"Well, how come you get to be Mr. Fantastic?" Teyla asks like he has offered her a menial position.

 

"Because he was the leader," John falters a bit, "and I'm the… I'm just saying that they were a cool team... and we're a cool team, and they used their strengths to, you know-"

 

The faces looking back at him are blank.

 

He gives up, "I'm gonna go check on McKay."

 

Finding Rodney and Zelenka uncharacteristically quiet and hunched over their computers, John asks, "Shouldn't you guys be bickering or something?"

 

"I got nothing to bicker about." Rodney complains, "He's run out of bad ideas. Finally."

 

Zelenka looks up at Rodney, "If we survive this, I'm putting in for a transfer."

 

"Please!" Rodney winces sarcastically, "We both know that you've done your best work under me."

 

Imagining Zelenka under Rodney, John pauses at the intrusive and unappealing image; he doesn't want to think about anyone being with Rodney other than himself.

 

"Under you?" Zelenka balks, "I'm my own department head, you know."

 

"Please, we both know that your department is a joke" Rodney scoffs.

 

Zelenka whines, "What are you-"

 

"Why don't you guys just make out and get it over with, huh?" John blurts out without thinking.

 

Shit. He's doing it again, using his banter to cover up the sexual tension he's feeling.'Besides, if anyone should be making out with Rodney it should be John. God knows, he has suffered through enough of Rodney's insults to deserve it.

 

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney flushes deeply. At least the glare he throws back is enough to cause John to look away.

 

"I mean, we have what?" John continues, "Under one day to figure out how not to get destroyed by this satellite thing, and you guys are arguing about who works for who?"

 

"Every possible scenario ends in failure." Zelenka sags with defeat. "There is nowhere on the face of this planet that this thing cannot get us."

 

Lifting his head up at John, the two of them exchange a look. It's obvious that they are following the same train of thought.

 

"You don't think?" John asks him in excitement.

 

Rodney murmurs a no but it comes out sounding more like a yes.

 

"Old girl too banged up?" John wonders.

 

"No," Rodney is excited now too, "The Replicators fixed all the damage we did with the drones. We just don't have the power."

 

"Yeah, ideally, but-"

 

"It'd be the only way." Rodney jumps in.

 

"What?" Zelenka sounds left out.

 

"The drilling platform." John asks, "You guys have it operational down there, right?"

 

Considering it, Rodney answers, "It's close enough but we couldn't bring it with us."

 

"Bring it where?" Zelenka tries to join the conversation but Rodney and John continue speaking as if they are the only people in the room.

 

"We don't need to." John speculates, "We just need a boost."

 

"You're onto the something here." Rodney shakes his finger at John in anticipation and the two of them stride out of the lab together without a word to Zelenka.

 

"Hey!" Zelenka calls after them, "What's your idea? Hey!"

.

.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes places in Season 3, before/ after episode 19 "Vengeance" & during episode 20 "First Strike"


	4. PENETRATE?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Rodney is always making those oblivious innuendoes that drive John crazy. Even with Atlantis marooned in space, helpless and about to lose life support, Rodney makes John's sexual frustration simmer over._  
> .

.  
.  
.

 

Finally. Turning off the city shield has given them that last push they needed to achieve lift-off. The underwater drilling station just didn't have enough juice left in it to get them airborne. John feels the power surge and flood through the engines as the umbilical cord linking them to the drilling station gives way. It was their last link to the surface of Lantea, their last connection to the planet of the Ancients, now broken and left behind forever as the city soars through the air.

  

Flying Atlantis is exhilarating, like nothing John’s ever experienced. Even Rodney sounds impressed and somewhat incredulous, as if he can't believe they really managed to escape the Replicator energy weapon that had them trapped. Once they reach 18,000 feet, Rodney announces that he is raising the shield.

 

Connected to the chair, John feels everything rushing around him as they leave the upper stratosphere. As soon as they are high enough, he engages the hyperdrive and enters subspace. 

 

Sitting forward in the control chair, he disengages, speaking into the com "We did it." Somehow he really can't believe they pulled this off either.

 

No one from the control room answers.

 

John shouts with some concern, "McKay! Elizabeth!"

 

Rodney's voice is on the line again but he is speaking to someone else. "I need a medical team to the control room stat! Multiple injuries!" 

 

_'Oh God. Is Rodney hurt?'_  John races back to the control room and finds Jennifer Keller, the new head of the medical department, lifting Elizabeth onto a stretcher.

 

"Keller, what happened?"

 

"Apparently the beam grazed the tower and blew out the-" She stops her explanation short to give one of her medical staff direction.

 

"Elizabeth?" John approaches her unconscious and unresponsive body, "Is she going to be okay?"

 

"I don't know yet." Keller is terse, "She took quite a fall and her pupils are sluggish. I'm going to have to get her under a scanner. I'll know more in a bit."

 

_'Rodney.'_ He’d been conscious enough to call for help, he must be okay.

 

John runs up the stairs to the next level to find Ronon leaning against a cabinet. A huge shard of glass is sticking out of his shoulder. Gruffly he tells John he's fine, saying there are others more in need of medical help than he is.

 

"I doubt that." John yells to one of the medical staff, "Get this man to the infirmary!"

 

Finally he sees Rodney and Zelenka, both looking intact; he breathes a sigh of relief, "You guys all right?"

 

"All things considered-" Rodney leans over the consoles as some sparks fly from a broken screen above.

 

He notices that Rodney has small cuts on one side of his face. "What happened?"

 

"Beam grazed the side of the tower before the shield was completely closed."

 

"Damage?" John asks grimly.

 

"Minimal. -I think. I was able to get the shield up pretty quickly. It took the brunt of the blow."

 

An alarm begins to go off and Rodney looks up in dread, "Oh, what now?"

 

The city shakes and Rodney runs to a another console, announcing, "We just dropped out of hyperspace." But it is too soon, far too soon for them to have reached their destination; they are stranded in a desolate section of space, no planets, no moons, no Stargates.

 

"This can't be right." Rodney puzzles over the controls. Then his eyes go wide when he announces to the room that at the rate of current power consumption they have no more than 24 hours left before the shield gives out completely.

 

John turns around slowly and stares at the ruined control room; in shock, the dire reality of their failed escape begins to sink in.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney is trying to manage the crisis as best he can. He almost has city-wide sensors back online. Subspace communications are down but he has a guy working on it. How can they be losing so much power? Something is bleeding them dry. He groans as the answer comes back from one of his teams. The energy beam has damaged the main conduits.

 

Pushing past John and Teyla and their incessant questions, he and Zelenka rush about to stem the damage. They both understand what needs to be done and speak to each other in abbreviated sentences as they race to reconfigure the systems. But John is getting frustrated and keeps insisting that Rodney take the time to talk everything through with him. 

 

_Can't John see he doesn't have time for 20 questions?_   _Nothing is responding, all the systems are -Dammit._

 

Briefly, Rodney tells them there are a lot of systems on that don't need to be; they are draining the life out of the city. But that doesn't seem to be enough to get John and Teyla to leave him alone. They keep distracting him about how they should attempt manual overrides. He knows they don't have time to complete all the manual shut downs, but to appease them he deploys more people for repairs. John insists on sending some of his men to accompany the teams.

 

What little power they have is almost gone, at this rate they will be lucky to make it through the night. Desperately trying to reroute, Rodney runs up to one of the alcove power stations.

 

John follows and sidles up to him, "Listen." he speaks in a low voice.

 

"What?" Rodney turns.

 

"You've been making a lot of decisions without consulting me." John whispers.

 

"I'm sorry." Rodney answers defensively, "We're a little under the gun here. Things move fast."

 

"I understand that, but with Elizabeth… incapacitated, I hate to say it, but, uh-"

 

"You're in charge. I know, I'm sorry." Rodney nods; he’d forgotten that Elizabeth’s been taken to the infirmary.

 

John lowers his head as if they are conspiring, "Just keep me in the loop."

 

Rodney tries to describe the situation to John in the simplest possible terms but John gives him an aggrieved look, telling him, "You dumb this down anymore and you're going to get hit."

 

"Sorry." Sometimes Rodney forgets that John is smarter than the average military guy.

 

It pains him to slow down and talk through his work instead of, well, working. But he stops to explain that essentially the ZPM is pumping all their power through the leaky conduits as it tries to compensate enough to keep everything running. If the city hadn't automatically compensated, they would have lost shields and atmosphere already. Eventually, they are going to lose a fatal amount of power no matter what they do. But shutting down all non-essential systems will at least buy them some time. With the help of the teams doing manual shut downs, over half of them are off-line so far.

 

An alarm starts beeping and whatever optimism Rodney has been struggling to maintain evaporates; the city's outer buildings begin decompressing and losing artificial gravity.

 

Rodney runs to a console to override it, "It's trying to collapse the shield. It's trying to save power."

 

"We've got guys out there." John urgently reaches for his com, "Matthews, fall back to the tower immediately- The city's shield's collapsing –MOVE!"

  

Rodney tracks their progress as the men try to outrun the decompressing sections of the city.

  

With sorrowful resignation Teyla announces, "They're not going to make it."

 

"Stop it." John begs Rodney desperately, "Stop it from doing this."

 

He tries to do as John asks, but it's futile, "The city doesn't think it can maintain the shield unless we make it smaller. If we delay its collapse, it could fail completely."

 

"I don't care! Override it!" John shouts.

 

"It's not letting me."

 

"We're going to lose those guys, McKay!"

 

"You think I don't realize that?!" Rodney labors with the console, watching helplessly as the men are overtaken and their life signs flicker out completely.

 

John's voice is hoarse, "Tell the other teams to hurry. I don't want them out there any longer than they need to be."

 

Watching John stalk out of the control room, Rodney wishes he could go after him. He knows how hard it is on John to lose men under his command. But he is needed here, he has to get a handle on this power drain.

 

When John eventually returns, Rodney goes with him to Elizabeth's office to speak privately. He hates to keep giving bad news, but he tells John that Elizabeth is in emergency surgery; a piece of her skull is being removed to relieve the pressure on her brain.

 

"So it's..." John presses his lips together and balls his fists, "it's bad." His words hang like a question around his haunted eyes as he searches Rodney's face for some kind of reassurance. 

 

 Rodney can't bring himself to repeat what Keller told him; what John needs right now is hope, however slim, "Uh, you know, it's ah... Well surgery might help take some of the pressure off the, ah, the ah..."  _Dammit he's a terrible liar._

 

By John's expression, Rodney can almost literally see the extra weight descend around his shoulders. As if John feels personally responsible for the fact that she might not be coming back. John already takes too much responsibility for everything, blames himself for every pitfall. Rodney wishes he could do something to reach through that damage, wishes there was time to be alone with John and remind him that everything isn't his fault. 

 

"We're all in this together and we're not letting her go." Rodney reaches an arm towards John but he shifts away stiffly.

 

"John-"

 

"I'm fine." Looking at the door, John holds himself with a stoic rigidity, shut down and beyond any words of comfort Rodney could offer.

 

Sighing, Rodney returns to his professional role and tells John his plan, his measure of last resort. Collapsing the shield down to encompass the main tower alone is the only option he can think of right now to buy them any more time.

 

"That will leave us completely exposed to space." John looks at him like he has lost his mind.

 

"Yes, it will,” Rodney snaps under the stress, “but our power is spread so thin right now, I don't have any extra juice to come up with the solutions to the 100 or so problems that could lead to our premature demise today."

 

Rodney can see behind the mask, the air of defeat as John gives him the go ahead. He hides it well enough that the others shouldn’t notice, but as John heads out the door Rodney wishes again he could go after him. But he can't. He has to figure out a way to keep them all from dying first.

 

The hyperdrive is still intact and once he gets the power drain somewhat under control, Rodney is able to pinpoint their exact location. Not that it will do them much good, they certainly can't use the gate while traveling like this. With communications down they can’t even try to reach the Apollo.

 

All they can do is attempt to repair the conduits. Well, not completely –they’d have to land to do that; but even a patch job would help immensely. Without a quick patch Rodney guesses they have about an hour before the ZPM falls below the threshold needed to execute a hyperspace jump.

 

And after that they will just be stuck. 30 hours before the shield fails and they all die in the vacuum of space.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John knows he's let everyone down. Pressing his lips together he thinks of Elizabeth and what she might have done differently in this situation. Keller says even if she survives, Elizabeth will never be the same person; her brain has been too damaged. _Another friend lost, another friend he has failed._

 

Rodney had begged John to let him reactivate Elizabeth's inert nanites to try to save her life. Of course he wants Elizabeth back too, but she would never have wanted them to do something like that. 

 

He hated having to tell Rodney no, but he was sure reprogramming the nanites was too dangerous, "She wouldn't want us risking the city, not even for her."

 

Without Elizabeth here it’s up to him to get Atlantis to safety, but so far everything he's tried has come up short. He’s tried. He scraped together a crew of hastily trained volunteers to pilot the Jumpers and cut a swath through that asteroid field that threatened to rip the entire city apart. But it wasn't enough. A large chunk still got through and damaged the one thing they had going for them. The working hyperdrive array.

 

John tried to repair the array in time. He went out in a spacesuit… hurdling himself and Zelenka over that huge chasm that blocked their access to repair the equipment. But he wasn’t fast enough. They missed the window by mere moments. And now they have now slipped below the power threshold needed to make the jump to hyperspace.

 

Nothing he’s tried has been enough to save this fucked up escape plan. With Elizabeth gone and himself in command things just keep getting worse and worse.

 

Down in the infirmary, John finds himself admitting his failure to Ronon, "Finally fixed the hyperdrive, now we don't have enough juice to go anywhere. We've only got 28 hours before the shields fail."

 

"So what's the plan?"

 

"I don't know,” John can’t fake any confidence right now, “I got to find McKay."

 

"He's in there." Ronon points to the next room.

 

"What?" John sees Rodney walking out of the room with Keller and shouts at him, "Hey!"

 

Rodney looks guilty, "I heard we didn't get the array fixed in time."

 

"What were you doing in there?" John nods angrily towards Elizabeth's room.

  

"Look," Rodney lowers his eyes, "she was dying, okay?"

  

"Rodney."

 

"Look, her heart was weak, her nervous system was fried."

 

"What did you do?!" John demands.

 

Looking to Keller, Rodney answers uneasily, "I reactivated the nanites."

 

"Damn it McKay!" John is furious.

 

"Look, you were busy! It was life or death. If I didn't act-"

 

"Yes," John yells, "she would have died, I know!"

 

"Okay, I know what you're thinking but helping Elizabeth is not putting us at risk."

 

"You just reactivated the Replicator nanites." John hold his rage in check –almost; he can't believe Rodney has just done this behind his back.

 

"They're harmless!" Rodney's shouts, "Look, I am 100% certain they're not going to try to take her over or contact the others!"

 

"No, no, you can't know that for sure."

 

"Yes. Yes, I can." Rodney's eyes dart from side to side, at last he seems to get the confidence to look at John directly.

 

Staring back at him, John commands, "Shut it down."

 

"But… That would kill her." Rodney protests.

 

"What do you think Elizabeth would want? Do you think she'd want this?"

 

"Yes, she would." Rodney stays convinced; "She'd sure as hell do the same for you."

  

"You obviously didn't know her very well then." John is steady and bitter.

  

"Well, maybe not, but you know what? Give it some time, you can ask her herself."

  

"No! It's too dangerous. Shut it down right now."

 

"No." Rodney flops his arms defiantly, "No, I'm not going to."

 

Hoping Rodney will cave, John takes a few threatening steps toward him. He keeps his eyes locked on Rodney and reaches for his com, "Meyers. Bring an EMP generator to the O.R."

 

"Will you please just listen to me?" Rodney pleads.

 

A nurse calls from Elizabeth's room, "Dr. Keller!"

 

John takes out his gun and walks in. Elizabeth is sitting up on the gurney. She pulls the gauze from her head; the wound has healed and her hair has grown back. She looks confused but is acting like herself, asking what happened. They explain the situation to her before John orders her into quarantine so the techs can continue to check her out.

 

Once back outside the room, John continues to argue with Rodney.

 

"The quarantine is unnecessary." Rodney complains.

 

Gritting his teeth John tells him, "Well, you'll excuse me if I wait for a second opinion."

 

"Okay, this is stupid." Rodney says angrily.

 

"What is?"

 

"Us fighting! Look, I know you're not happy with me and you may have some cause. Anyway, it's not going to matter much if we don't figure a way out of this, right? Look, we have to work together, so… So, so I'm, I'm sorry."

 

Straightening his stance, John takes a breath. He doesn't want to make the same mistake he did over Doranda. After that, he’d resolved not to be so unforgiving or push Rodney away. If Rodney is sorry he will let it go.

 

Actually, if their positions had been reversed it’s just the kind of reckless thing John might have done himself. He knows this. But he is the one responsible for everyone's safety now. He has to think about the whole expedition. The way that Elizabeth did.

 

"Apology accepted." John says in a low voice.

 

Rodney sighs with relief.

 

Still, when they are back in the control room, John feels some lingering resentment over having his authority undermined. He gives Rodney the cold shoulder, instead talking to Zelenka about their remaining options. Zelenka claims to have an idea to bypass hyperspace safety protocols and attempt a jump anyway. He estimates there's a 50-50 chance the city will be torn apart as they try to enter a hyperspace window.

  

John grimaces and tells him he's not loving that as an option; then he hears the sound of Rodney's fingers snapping as he speaks next to him, "Experimental Jumper… Remember when I was zapped by that machine a few months ago."

 

Of course John remembers. He will never forget the machine that brought him to his knees in desperation. _That stupid fucking machine-_

 

"and I got," Rodney is still talking "well even smarter than I normally am?"

 

"The one that almost killed you?" John tilts his head to the side, trying to sound casual about the agony he has endured over the last 4 and half months, "Yeah."

 

There's been no end to the agony John’s felt since that moment he finally admitted to himself that he'd fallen in love with Rodney. Because like everything else it wasn’t enough. _HE_  wasn’t enough. And it was too late. Whatever Rodney may have once felt for him, it’s dead and gone now.

 

"Well," Rodney continues, "before I was reset, I was very close to giving one of our Puddlejumpers a hyperdrive."

 

Rodney seems to think he can finish the project. At least it sounds better than Zelenka's 50-50 odds. But the Jumper's hyperdrive will be limited to a short range; they won't be able to get to the Apollo or tell them where they are. Rodney says the Jumper will probably only be able to make 1 or 2 jumps before the drive burns out. So that nixes John's idea of trying to ferry the crew to safety. But if they could manage 2 jumps that would at least mean a return trip.

 

"Yeah…" Rodney thinks for moment, "ideally somewhere with a few extra ZPMs' to spare. We come back, we get Atlantis fully powered-"

 

"Yeah, that'd be great." John drawls sarcastically.

 

Zelenka speaks up "M7R-227."

 

"What's that?" John turns his head.

 

"Well-" Zelenka seems hesitant.

 

Turning back to Rodney, John asks, "There's a planet out there with ZPMs?"

 

"Yeah-" Rodney gasps a little, "Yeah, I mean, we know they have a few ZPMs."

 

"Who would that be?" John asks waiting for the punch line.

 

"That?" Rodney points to the screen, "That would be the Replicator home world. You feel up to a heist?" he ventures enigmatically.

 

Pressing his lips together, John considers. They don't have much of a choice.

 

.

.

 

After giving Rodney and Zelenka a couple hours, John checks in on them in the Jumper Bay. "How's it going boys?"

 

Rodney complains that Zelenka is trying to kill him and John assumes this has something to do with the sparks he saw flying as he walked in.

 

"I'm not…" Zelenka sounds unconvincing, "trying to kill him." 

 

Making a commiserating face at Zelenka, John turns back to Rodney, asking whether or not it will work. Rodney is evasive and the conversation soon devolves into bickering over semantics, over whether Rodney said he _could_ do it or simply  _thought_  he could do it.

 

"This is unbelievably complex physics here, all right?" Rodney raises his hands in frustration, "I mean, it makes string theory look like non-linear dynamics."

 

"Okay." John blinks.

 

"And even if I do get it working, there's still a thousand things that could go terribly, terribly wrong." Rodney gets a far off look as if he's imagining all the gruesome ways  they could die.

 

"I get it, it's difficult. Million-to-one odds, blah, blah, blah…"  _All right, Rodney, enough with the whole 'I'm so brilliant it's painful' routine._

 

Standing up, Rodney asks curtly, "Was there something else you needed, or were you here merely to prod and belittle?"

 

"No, no… " John walks further into the Jumper, "not MERELY.” 

 

He continues, "There's another problem we need to be thinking about. Such as, what do we do when we get there? Getting this thing to jump into hyperspace may be the easy part. Infiltrating the city, stealing the ZPM, and getting out, well, I think that's a little dicey."

 

Apparently Rodney has been reflecting on that problem too and thinks their only chance of succeeding is if they bring Elizabeth and use her nanites to hack into the mainframe.

 

It's a terrible plan. But everything else so far has been too. At this point what other choice do they have... John reluctantly agrees but insists that Rodney install a kill switch to Elizabeth's nanites -in case they manage to take control of her.

 

.

.

 

Elizabeth  _seems_  normal, eager to help with the mission. But for the record, she agrees with John about the nanites, she thinks it was too much of a risk to reactivate them. They manage to make the jump to the Replicator home world but the hyperdrive has burned out. They won’t be making a return trip without capturing a ZPM to use as a power source.

 

The cloak keeps the ship concealed as John maneuvers it down to the planet. Elizabeth says she is beginning to feel her nanites link to the Replicator systems; she can see everything in her mind and directs them to the best location to steal a ZPM.

 

After landing on the building Elizabeth selected, he has Rodney stay behind with her to keep sifting through the Replicator intel... and to keep Rodney as far away from the Replicators as possible. In case they don't make it, John can’t help but exchange a small smile of affection with Rodney before he and Ronon go to liberate a ZPM. 

 

Over the radio, Elizabeth guides he and Ronon on how to avoid the Replicators in the structure until they reach their destination and seize their prize. 

 

Making it back to the Jumper undetected, John hurriedly instructs Rodney. "Hook up the ZPM, we're leaving."

 

But Rodney stops him, saying he has found something in the Replicator's base code. The Holy Grail, apparently. The whole reason the Replicators were created by the Ancients. Rodney says he could reactivate a fundamental 'kill command' imbedded in them; their primary directive to seek out and destroy the Wraith.

 

Having the Replicators and Wraith at each other's throats _would_ solve a lot of problems. But it will be difficult. Even though Elizabeth could theoretically upload the commands remotely from the Jumper, they'd have to wait for the next data merge. And who knows how long that would be. To make immediate changes, they’ll have to access the core at the center of the city.

 

"I will never get this kind of undetected access again." Elizabeth urges John to let her try.

 

"If we're going to do this, it's now or never." Rodney agrees.

 

It does seem like the kind of once in a lifetime 'save the whole galaxy' opportunity they shouldn't pass up. John gives the go ahead and Rodney rigs an interface between the Jumper's cloak and an anti-replicator weapon control crystal. It allows them to create a giant protective field so they can attempt to gain access to the deeper levels of the city.

 

Ronon questions how this could possibly work,"But won't we be visible?"

 

"Yes," Rodney's annoyance is obvious, "we will, the Anti-Replicator field will protect us. That is, assuming I can extend the field wide enough to encompass not only the Jumper, but also the Core Room… And also assuming that we can run fast enough to get there, input the command and get back before the Replicators figure out how to override the field and, and…

 

You know, slaughter us." Rodney finishes quickly as if trying to put the very likely possibility our of his mind.

 

Even though Rodney is the one with the expertise to do the job, John still isn’t letting him anywhere near the Replicators. He can’t risk him being hurt again, he just can't. Besides, John tells himself, he needs someone to keep an eye on Elizabeth. He tells Rodney the two of them will be staying put in the Jumper and instructs him to set up the tablet commands in such a way that John could reactivate the 'kill code' himself. He doesn't bother to elaborate on his reasons. But when Rodney won't stop complaining Elizabeth guesses part of it. She tells Rodney that John will need him to activate _her_ kill switch in case the nanites take control of her. Rodney suddenly shuts up and hangs his head, looking sorry that he made Elizabeth think about it.

 

The Core is 9 levels down within the main structure. As John lowers the Jumper on the building Elizabeth guides them to, Rodney turns off the cloak and engages the Anti-replicator field. Looking at the screen, John sees that so far the field is just a small bubble around their ship.

 

"It's working." Rodney walks forward with his tablet in hand, "Okay, let's jack it up, see how far we can penetrate."

 

_'Jesus'._  John almost laughs out loud. _'Jack it up and penetrate_?'

 

Why is Rodney always saying things like that? It drives him crazy.

 

He decides to see if it's at all intentional, asking pointedly, "PENETRATE?"

 

"What?" Rodney seems confused.

 

_'So, oblivious as usual'._  John shakes his head, disappointed he returns his concentration to the view screen instead.

 

"All right. Here we go." Rodney extends the field further, 'penetrating' all the way down to the Core Room.

 

Before handing John the tablet, Rodney explains the computer program in his long-winded way; John paraphrases the instructions without all the technical jargon, "Plug it in."

 

"You wanted simple."

 

"I like simple." John slings the strap of the tablet over his shoulder with a light smile to hide the dirty thoughts he is still having about penetrating Rodney.

 

Following Elizabeth's direction again, John and Ronon make their way down quickly. It will only be a matter of time until they are detected. Before long John spies a group of Replicators, but they disintegrate as soon as they walk into the protective field. So far it's working, but it won't be long before the Replicators find a way through.

 

As he and Ronon reach the control center John assumes the big glowy thing is the core. Rodney tells him there should be an open slot in the control panel he can plug the cable into.

 

"All right." John pulls out the tablet, "Here it goes… It's plugged in."

 

"Oh, it is?" Rodney sounds flustered over the com, "Why am I not reading anything? Are you sure you're plugged into the right slot?"

 

"There's only one slot Rodney." It sounds dirty when John hears himself say it. 

 

This is what happens when he doesn't have the time to jack off. These ongoing crisis situations with no sleep or sexual release make his feelings for Rodney harder to control.

 

Elizabeth tells them that more Replicators are on the way. Rodney sounds even more anxious, telling John to try plugging it in again.

 

"Still nothing. Look, what did you do?" Rodney accuses. 

 

The Replicators are repeatedly attacking the field now, sacrificing themselves to find a way to override and disable the code. Elizabeth says it won't be long before they break through.

 

"Rodney, why is this not working?" John calmly tries to talk him through.

 

"It's not working because the core is not recognizing the tablet."

 

 "Well, why not?"

 

"Look, I don't know! -Okay, you're going to need to implement adjustments in the negotiation protocol to exploit parallelism at the device interface."

 

 "What?" John has no idea what Rodney is talking about.

 

 "Just do what I say." Rodney acts like he is instructing a child, "Start by unplugging the cable. Now access the tablet's root directory."

 

 Root directory. Okay he knows what that is. "This, is not simple." John sets his gun down in frustration.

 

 Warning John that the Replicators have breached the field, Rodney rushes in his explanation, "You need to make changes to the negotiation protocol to allow for direct data placement. We need to allow for resynchronization of the packet boundaries within the data stream."

 

 Concentrating, John thinks he has deciphered Rodney’s jargon into something he can manage.

 

 Over the com he can hear Elizabeth telling Rodney that Oberoth himself is approaching the Core Room; Replicators are coming at them from all sides now, "They're trapped!" She exclaims.

 

 "Which means they're as good as dead." Rodney laments.

 

 "We can hear you, you know?" John reminds them.

 

 "What-What?" Rodney stammers, "Uh, no. Wha-When I say 'As good as dead', I mean it as more of a… of a… Elizabeth? What are you doing? Elizabeth you can't go out there! …Elizabeth!"

 

 "What's going on, Rodney?"

 

 "Elizabeth just left the Jumper."

 

John tenses, "Why?"

 

 "I-I don't know. She just ran out."

 

 "Elizabeth, this is Sheppard, do you copy?"

 

 Just silence.

 

 "Elizabeth, respond." John demands.

 

 Ronon warns John, "If they capture her-"

 

 "I know, I know." John has considered the repercussions; this is what he was afraid of.

 

 "So, what do we do now?" Rodney asks.

  

"She said hit the kill switch on the nanites if she did anything suspicious." Ronon reminds him.

 

 Ignoring Rodney on the other end of the line, John stares blankly at nothing in particular; shutting off the nanites will kill her. Kill Elizabeth. He can't- 

 

 "Sheppard." Ronon's voice snaps him back into focus, "Make the call."

 

 Nodding sadly, John swallows his grief and tells Rodney, "Do it."

 

 But a moment later, Rodney says Elizabeth's kill switch isn't working. He quickly adds not to bother asking why, because he doesn't know.

 

 Rambling on, Rodney speculates, "I mean, the last time she had active nanites inside her, she was able to exert a certain amount of control. Maybe, maybe she's doing it here now, or maybe there's interference that's affecting the frequency. I don't know. I need to, I need to run a diagnostic."

 

"Better yet," Ronon stops Rodney with a sour note, "why don't you figure a way how to get us out of here?"

 

John returns to the tablet. "If we're screwed, we may as well complete the mission." He tries again with the new adjustments, "Got it plugged in, anything?"

 

"Yes! Yes, it's working!" Rodney exclaims.

 

As the Replicators enter the Core Room, John grabs his gun and takes cover. He jumps up from behind a console to fire but finds that the Replicators seem frozen in place.

 

Ronon cautiously steps out from behind a pillar.

 

"What the hell just happened?" John asks.

 

"The Replicators have all frozen." Rodney sounds as confused as John is.

 

"Well, I can see that, but who did it?" John questions.

 

"It wasn't me." Rodney confesses, "It might have been Elizabeth."

 

"Can she do that?" Ronon wonders.

 

Unsure, Rodney continues to speculate over the com. He believes Elizabeth must have linked with the collective -meaning that the odds of her nanites taking control have just increased exponentially; she isn't going to be able to hold them off for long.

 

They wait for confirmation that the upload has been completed, then John unplugs the tablet. He and Ronon weave in and out of the frozen Replicators in the hallways. Almost back to the Jumper, they find Elizabeth struggling with Oberoth. He has just managed to pull her hand out of his head and overcome her control.

 

"Elizabeth." John starts.

 

"Get to the Jumper!" She shouts at him.

 

Despite the fact that she is surrounded, John is firm. "You're coming with us."

 

Ronon fires an energy blast at Oberoth but it has no effect.

 

"I can’t keep them frozen much longer!" Elizabeth pleads.

 

John raises his voice to make his position clear, "We're not leaving you behind!"

 

"If you don't leave right now, none of us will get out of here, so go!" Elizabeth is adamant, "That's an order!" She screams at him.

 

Some of the Replicators in the room are coming to life and shooting at them. Desperately trying to get through to her, John screams her name. But they are taking too much fire and have to duck for cover.

 

"Go!" Elizabeth commands again.

 

He can't get through, John knows he has no choice but to retreat. They aren't far from the Jumper. Tactically, he knows Elizabeth is right, but he wants to turn back and fight to the death despite the consequences. But she is trusting him to save Atlantis, he has to think the way she wants him to.

 

"Oh, thank God." Rodney exclaims when he sees the two of them returning; "Elizabeth?”, he asks.

 

Ronon shakes his head darkly.

 

Before they use the ZMP to jump to hyperspace, they try to lock onto Elizabeth's locator beacon but it is gone.

  

.

.

 

Once back on Atlantis, John tries to put the loss of Elizabeth out of his mind as much as he can. He _will_ find a way to bring her back. First, he has to focus on getting everyone else to safety. With the new ZPM online, he and the others have found a new planet site to land Atlantis, M35-117. Elizabeth doesn't know about it and if the Replicators probe her mind, they won’t discover their new location.

 

Preparing himself for the task of landing the city on the surface, John asks, "We got enough energy to keep the shield up for re-entry?"

 

"There better be." Rodney answers, "A city this size will create considerable friction. We come in too fast or too steep, and the shield could attenuate under the stress, and the whole place will be torn to shreds, or, or burn up, or both."

 

John grimaces, "It never ends with you, you know?"

 

"What?" Rodney sounds perplexed.

 

John can't answer him. He has no one but himself to blame. But it never ends. None of it, all of it, the longing and desire... Rodney's oblivious sexual references that drive John crazy, the constant whining and complaining about certain death, the need John has to be near Rodney whenever he can, the regret he feels for not kissing him when he had the chance...

 

Somehow it seems so unfair that under the control of an alien consciousness he once kissed Elizabeth. Another time when he was out of his mind and transforming from the Wraith retrovirus he'd kissed Teyla. Why couldn't he have gotten to kiss Rodney at least once instead?

 

All of it is infuriating. He loves Rodney more than he knows he has any right to. And if he knew how to stop it, he would. But it never ends, it just gets stronger.

 

While John takes the city down into the atmosphere, Rodney calls him over the radio, "Sheppard, we're coming in too steep. We need to ease up on our angle for re-entry."

 

John tries to slow down and adjust.

 

"Ease up on the angle!" Rodney reprimands.

 

"I heard you the first time, Rodney."

 

"And yet, we're still coming in too steep!" He chides condescendingly; 

 

The city shakes as it approaches the ocean and Rodney continues to berate him. "Still too fast! Slow down!... We want to touch down gently… Like a leaf kissing the surface of a pond."

 

The city rumbles and plunges deeply into the surface of the water. The shield protects it from submerging and it buoyantly rights itself, wobbling and groaning.

 

"Nice kissing." Rodney says sarcastically.

 

Too exhausted to make a joke, he finds himself imagining what it would be like to kiss Rodney.

 

He is sure Rodney is good. John has always thought he was pretty good himself, but then, he's never kissed a man before. It might be totally different.

 

For the thousandth time, he regrets not kissing Rodney when he had the chance. Why hadn't he just let Rodney give him what he really wanted?

 

Even if it is wrong, it is what John wants, so badly. But Rodney doesn't want it anymore, he wants Katie, he wants to be married like a normal person. John should want that too. If he could only make himself want that.

 

.

.

 

After they get settled on the new planet and reestablish communication with SGC through the wormhole, Rodney tells John that it looks like the attack command they planted worked. They have detected a fleet of Replicator ships attacking a Wraith planet.

 

It bothers him thinking about any of it. He can't forgive himself for leaving Elizabeth behind. He may have failed Ford, but he won't give up on Elizabeth. She could still be alive. Rodney sees the emotion in John's face but assumes it is about their fight before.

 

Rodney surprises him by apologizing again, "I'm really sorry about earlier… I know I should have followed your last standing orders and all… I just hope you know I'm really sorry."

 

"Are you?" John frowns at Rodney; right now their fight is the furthest thing from his mind.

 

"Yes." Rodney's eyes get wide, "Yes, I am… really sorry."

 

As he gazes at Rodney's lips and the angles of his face, John scowls to hide his attraction.

 

"Okay, just don't let it happen again." he doesn't want to take the charade too far or push Rodney away.

 

Fuck, he is so in love with this man, it is sickening. He wants to reach over and grab Rodney –but he can't. He knows he can't.

 

John is disgusted with himself and turns away, "I'll see you later."

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes in Season 3, episode 20 "First Strike" & Season 4, episode 1 "Adrift" and episode 2 "Lifeline"  
> .


	5. Unrequited lust hanging over their heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Trying to cope with his feelings for Rodney is hard enough... now John has to face the possibility that Ronon is leaving Atlantis._  
> .

.

  
.

 

As the weeks go by and everyone gets settled on the new planet, John has time to think more seriously about Ronon's suggestion. The idea that John 'just gets laid' to take some of the pressure off. There are a few women here that John finds attractive, but his heart belongs to someone else and there is no way he could try dating in any traditional manner. The most he can imagine being able to offer is a casual one night stand.

 

Atlantis is such a closed community and the thought of approaching one of the civilian woman for a fling sounds like a disastrous idea. Finding a quick release with a man might be more feasible, he's done it before. Guys in the military who are… like him, are usually more open to casual sexual encounters. What else could it be really? 

 

He'd have to be careful to make sure he doesn't reveal himself to the wrong person. But he's managed it before; maybe he could do it again. John has an officer in mind. A young Lieutenant whose eyes definitely linger on John more than they should. He's attractive, even looks a little bit like Rodney. Flaxen hair, taut arms and chest, he fills out the uniform well. John has never worked with Lt. Farrow directly but he soon finds an excuse to talk and test his instincts.

 

While they are in public and there is a chance of being overheard, John keeps it formal and ambiguous, "Lieutenant, a word please."

 

"Absolutely, Colonel." Farrow replies.

 

He steps a bit closer so he can read the man and see how he responds. Not shy about the proximity, Farrow breathes in and appears pleased. His eyes are lowered but John needs to see more.

 

"I'd like to talk to you about your performance."

 

Looking worried something is wrong, Farrow glances up with a small frown.

 

John holds his gaze. It is a good sign the man holds his eyes with confidence, "You've been doing an excellent job since you reported to Atlantis".

 

The corners of Farrow's mouth curve into a smile and his gaze remains locked with John's. John smiles back and lets his eyes show a flirtatious glint. Farrow seems to notice, his eyes widen in response, he takes a sharp inhale. Still his gaze doesn't waver from John. In fact, he looks thrilled with the attention.

 

Inching in a little closer without touching, John does nothing to incriminate himself, not yet. "I've been reading your file, and it seems you have the makings of a fine soldier."

 

The other man is biting his lower lip and he recognizes the expression on Farrow's face. He wants John to take him. He wants it badly.

 

Feeling fully confident now, John continues, "I think a little extra training would go a long way to getting you ready to lead a team of your own."

 

" _Training_?" Farrow's tone is full of innuendo.

 

"If you wanted, I could take some time with you alone…" John gives Farrow a flash of his most charming smile while his eyes sparkle with mischief. "for training purposes. We could work on some of the-"

 

"I'd really love that." Farrow interrupts eagerly, "I've always wished I could get the chance to, to, _train_ with you personally, I mean with the military commander of Atlantis..." He leans forward in an unmistakably flirtatious manner, "Sir."

 

John's smile deepens as he tells Farrow to meet him at 2100 hours in a private room near the shooting range.

 

The rest of the day goes by quickly, John feels excited and flushed. The pain usually tightened around his heart has lessened and he feels a bit less alone. As the hour of their meeting approaches, John takes him time getting ready, he wants to this to be right. He knows Farrow wants him and he doesn't want to disappoint.

 

When John enters the room, Farrow is already waiting. He looks amazingly seductive, leaning back with his exposed arms resting on the table behind him. John is flattered to see that Farrow has also taken the time to look his best.  

 

He waits for John to approach, letting him know he wants to be taken. John strides forward leaning his chest to touch the other man's. He places his face into Farrow's neck, breathing in. The smell is nice, just he's not... not Rodney.

 

Reaching up, John trails his fingers softly down the side of Farrow's face. But then John's expression crumples. He doesn't know how to do this anymore. He isn't the same man he used to be.

 

Rodney has changed him, made him want more than just a release. John doesn't just want a casual fuck and he doesn't know how to touch Farrow without feeling all the loss and longing he has for Rodney.

 

"I'm sorry." John pulls back with pain in his eyes. The heartache and grief is written plainly across his face and Farrow looks at him in sympathy.

 

"I'm sorry", John places a hand on the bridge of his nose hoping to obscure the emotion; his voice is a tight choke,  "I just can't". ' _Especially not with someone who reminds him so much of Rodney.'_

 

"It's okay." Farrow's voice is soft.

 

Squeezing his eyes shut, John just nods.

 

He hears Farrow heading for the door. Before he leaves, he adds, "Sir… If you ever change your mind, about the _training_ , you know where to find me."

 

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* * *

 

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.

 

Rodney is eager to make a better impression with the ACTUAL new civilian commander of Atlantis after embarrassing himself by presumptuously assuming that _he_ was the one being promoted. Sam, his Samantha Carter is about to arrive. She's a full bird Colonel now, not just Lieutenant Colonel, like John.

 

Standing shoulder to shoulder with John in front of the Stargate, John looks down to the basket in Rodney's hands, asking,"What's that?"

 

Rodney gloats "It's a selection of fruits from the various worlds we trade with."

 

John seems unimpressed and Rodney continues, "I thought it would be thoughtful."

 

"Try lame." John teases.

 

"Really?" Rodney is peeved, "And what would you suggest?"

 

"You know," John shrugs, "maybe some flowers. You could brighten up her quarters."

 

"Oh, flowers." Rodney second-guesses himself.

 

He hands the fruit basket off to someone else, "Here, take this." he waves his hand dismissively to the assistant, "And go."

 

Then Sam, Rodney's old flame, walks through the wormhole. Well, not technically an old flame, but almost. They could have been. John is technically more of an old flame than Sam... 

 

After a short speech, Sam walks away with John. Rodney can't help but admire her figure from behind. Both of them actually; they are both incredibly hot.  Of course, now his heart belongs to Katie, but it doesn't hurt to look.

 

He heads to the greenhouse to get some flowers from Katie, and walks back down to give them the Sam in her new quarters.

 

She greets him warmly, "Hey, Rodney. Come on in."

 

"Ah, I brought you a little something to spruce up the place." Rodney presents the flowers.

 

"Well thank you. That's very sweet." She points to a table, "There's a vase right there."

  

Rodney spots the vase sitting next to his abandoned fruit basket.

 

"Oh." Sam notices that Rodney is staring at it and explains, "Colonel Sheppard dropped that off. Apparently it's a sampling of fruit from the home worlds of our various trading partners."

  

"Hmm." Rodney's mouth twists down bitterly.

 

"I thought it was a really thoughtful gesture." Sam tells him.

 

"Oh, son of a…" He mumbles as he tosses the flowers pointlessly into the vase. Rodney's so furious with John right now he can't think straight.

 

He tries to gather his thoughts, to remember what he wanted to say, but his mind is swirling with a jumble of emotions about John. Why the hell would he do this?

 

John knows about Rodney's feelings for Sam… Past feelings, that is. In the past. Right. This is the present. The past shouldn't matter, he is with Katie now. It doesn't matter how sexy John looks, Rodney is over him. And Sam too.

 

"Anyway, look," Rodney tries to compose himself, "I just… I just came by to welcome you to Atlantis, see how you're settling in, and you know, if you needed anything… And did I mention that I was seeing someone?"

 

"I'm sorry, what?" Sam smiles with a confused look on her face.

 

Rodney isn't sure why he said the last part but repeats himself, "I'm, uh, seeing someone." _That's right he's with Katie now and he's not going to let John toy with his emotions anymore._

 

His pulse feels too quick, his breath too short. His mind swirling with past memories of John when they were closer, so close, but always out of reach… it's been harder than he wants to admit working with John all this time with these unrequited feelings that won't stay in the past... John refuses to stop being so sexy and, and infuriating. And now his greatest female fantasy is about to be his new boss. Sexy siren Sam. This whole thing is just so convoluted.

 

"Yes," Rodney fights the confusion in his mind, "I only bring it up now because you're here now, and we'll be working together a lot more, and uh, you know, I just thought with our past-"

 

"Our past?" Sam seems shocked.

  

Well, he and Sam don't really have a past together, not like he and John do. But she'd given him a kiss on the cheek… That had been something.

 

He can't stop thinking about how long he's wanted John, ached for him; he feels lost in an emotional vortex of hurt and desire, "Well, you know the unrequited lust that's been hanging over our heads for what seems like forever." 

 

 _'Oh fuck. He just said that out loud.'_ Well, technically Rodney has lusted for Sam too, but she's never really wanted him back… Has she? It's not the same as it is with John. Whatever it is with John is just... God, this is so fucked up.

 

Rodney shoves his hands in his pockets nervously. He blames John completely for screwing this all up, stealing his fruit basket, making him look bad, and getting him to ramble on as he is prone to when anxious. He can't believe he just admitted to having unrequited lust for John. Not just to himself, but out loud even. To Sam. Who he's also trying not to lust over, but instead is making a complete ass of himself.

 

"Rodney." Sam shakes her head in disbelief.

 

But Rodney keeps talking because that's what he does, "I just don't want things to be awkward between the two of us, you know?"

 

He takes a breath and holds it to try to force himself to stop talking. But the silence is worse, so he opens his mouth again, "…Kind of like they are now."

 

"Rodney..." Sam smiles in amusement, "I'm sure we'll be fine."

 

"Of course." Rodney flounders defensively, " _I'll_ be fine. I'm just... " He gestures toward Sam as if _she_ is the one who may be having difficulty coping with unrequited feelings, "with you"

 

Ronon enters the room and thankfully saves Rodney from himself and any further embarrassment. 

 

.

.

 

* * *

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.

 

After finding three of his closest friends alive on an away mission, Ronon can’t stop wondering if he should rejoin his people and leave Atlantis. That new commander Colonel Carter says 'new protocols' won't allow his former soldiers in arms to come to Atlantis. Apparently his word that they can be trusted isn’t good enough for her.

 

Ronon takes a bite from the plate in front of him but he is restless. The three of them, Tyre, Ara, and Rakai, have been out there on their own all this time fighting the Wraith. They shouldn't be on their own trying to survive, they are all Satedan and they belong together. If they can’t come to Atlantis he has to consider going to them.

 

Somehow Tyre had known about the existence of Atlantis. Ronon can’t help but consider his words. He’d said as far as Atlantis was concerned, Ronon was just their ally, their guest. They may have helped Ronon out of trouble when he needed it, but Tyre insisted, " _We're_ your friends."

 

Truth be told, Tyre, Ara, and Rakai are more than his friends. They're his family, the last remnants of his people. Ronon can still hear Tyre’s words in his mind, "Now that we're back together, you belong with us."

 

Looking up from his meal, Ronon sees John coming to join him at the table; he has a serious expression on his face. Teyla must have told him that he is thinking about leaving Atlantis, "Teyla's already spoken to you, hasn't she?"

 

"Yeah, well, we had a little chat."

 

"Hmm." Ronon eyes John, "Well, let's hear it."

 

"Hear what?"

 

"Whatever you've got to say."

 

John picks up a piece of an orange, "Not going to say anything."

 

"Really?" Ronon looks at him dubiously.

 

"I don't have to because you already know what I'm going to say… That you're a valuable member of my team, and that it would be difficult to find somebody to take your place."

 

"Mmm-hmm." Ronon leans back in his chair.

 

"And that you may think you're going back to find something you've lost…" John sighs, "but there's nothing to get back to. Sateda's gone, and living on the run with your buddies isn't going to bring that back."

 

Ronon smirks, "You're not going to say any of that."

 

"No," John shakes his head and mumbles with a piece of fruit in his mouth, "I don't have to."

 

"Look, this isn't about me trying to bring back the past."

 

"Well, then what is it?"

 

"They need me. They always have. I'm the one that took care of them, got them home alive whenever we went onto battle."

 

"You're one man, Ronon." John rubs his palms together; "You can't expect to protect them forever."

 

"Probably not… but that's where you guys come in. We got some intel on a Wraith target." Ronon sips his coffee and waits for John's response.

 

John narrows his eyes, "The Wraith and the Replicators are kind of beating the crap out of each other right now. I think it's counterproductive to run an op against them."

 

"I have a feeling you'll change your mind once you hear the details." Ronon's eyes sparkle with mischief.

 

"Let's hear it." John looks more interested.

 

"Not yet" Ronon tells him, "I want Tyre, Ara, and Rakai in on this."

 

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* * *

 

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.

 

John agrees and takes the team to meet with Ronon's comrades. They explain to him that the Wraith are working on a way to switch off the Replicator attack code, and they want to stop it. All they need John to do is to fly the Jumper into a weapons research facility that is largely unmanned.

 

But if he agrees to go on this mission John plans to do more than sit idly in a Jumper. _If_ he agrees…

 

John takes Ronon outside to privately discuss the matter, telling him he is concerned about working with an unknown element of people that might go off half-cocked.

 

"Yeah, well, I'll keep my group in line. You do the same." Ronon glowers at him.

 

"Last I checked it was your group, too." John bites his lip.

 

Ronon sighs and stops walking, "Look, I was going to wait to tell you this, but I've made my decision. Once we finish this op, I'm going to be leaving Atlantis."

 

John gets a heavy sinking feeling in his chest as Ronon walks away. He's still been trying to adjust to the guilt of leaving Elizabeth behind. He's begged Sam to sanction a rescue mission back to the Replicator home world, even though he doesn't have a viable plan yet. But the odds of Elizabeth being alive are getting slimmer by the day.

 

And now he's going to lose Ronon too.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Rodney is cold with fury when John waltzes in to tell him that they are going on an away mission to assess the op Ronon's friends are proposing.

 

Merely glaring in response, John finally stops talking, "What?"

 

"You know what."

 

"Uh, no… I don't?"

 

Somehow that hurts Rodney even more, the fact that John can't even imagine what could be wrong. He shakes his head sadly and turns away, "I'll be ready to go in a few minutes."

 

"Hey," He feels John's hand on his shoulder, "Rodney, what's wrong?"

 

He turns and looks at John with hurt and betrayal, "Why are you fucking with me when it comes to Sam?"

 

"Uh, I…"

  

"The fruit basket?" He accuses.

 

"Oh... I'm sorry. If my prank was poorly timed I apologize." John holds his hands up repentantly, "I had no idea you were going to be this upset."

 

"Really? I find that hard to believe. You know how I feel about her. It's a very sensitive situation." Rodney's face flushes,"Very confusing for me, you know, when it comes to someone I've had feelings for in the past. "

 

Clearing his throat, Rodney tries to make it clear he's not talking about John... even though he mostly is, "But I'm trying to be in the present. With Katie, I mean. And you threw me off balance, and I started babbling, and saying all kinds of things that I regret now-"

 

"Oh no. What did you say?" John frowns.

 

"Doesn't matter." Rodney glares, "Point is, I don't want to be messed with when it comes to Sam or, or, my romantic, uh, life at all."

 

"Okay." John nods, "Understood. I, ah, didn't realize you had such strong feelings for her."

 

 "I don't. -I mean, anymore. I don't know." Rodney falters. "It's just hard when you've been attracted to someone… had feelings for someone, for so long. It gets confusing where the line is sometimes, especially if you have to work together constantly." Rodney feels the warmth rising to his cheeks again and looks away from John, he still can't stop the effect that John has on him no matter how much he tries to evade it. 

 

Realizing that he and Sam haven't actually been working together yet, Rodney quickly adds, "–I mean in the future. Sam and I will be working together constantly in the future. _Will_ be. And that will make it hard." He hopes that makes it sound like this has nothing to do with his unrequited feelings for John.

 

"All right." John sighs, "Nothing like that will happen again, I swear. If it'll make us square, you can hit me if you want…?"

 

Rodney shakes his head but then reconsiders; right now he doesn't know if he wants to hit John or kiss him.

 

Well, it's not like he's been given the choice. "Okay, I choose hit." He balls a fist and notes that John looks unconcerned about any injury. 

 

Rodney would prefer to pin him against the wall and make him give in, to make John want him- Ugh, he has to stop thinking that way. _'Remember Rodney, remember all the times he's fucked with you, just because he could.'_ The memories pile up and Rodney finds the motivation to throw his fist into John's jaw.

 

"Ow-ow-ow-ow." Rodney cradles his hand and backs away.

 

"I didn't say you could hit me in the face." John rubs his chin in surprise.

 

"Where, then?" Rodney is confused.

 

"Oh, no. That's it. One swing is all you get. So are we even?"

 

Rodney suddenly recalls the massage- how John had wanted one in return, to be 'even'; he sighs, "Okay, even. See you in the Jumper Bay." _But he doesn't really feel 'even'. Not yet._

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

After everything that happened on that disastrous op, John seeks Ronon to help him get through the loss of his friends and the betrayal he suffered at their hands. Ronon is probably blaming himself even though he had no way of knowing the whole thing was a set up; a sting operation to capture Rodney and try to get him to undo the changes he made to the Replicator attack code. Ronon has barely said a word since they left the Wraith base. He's never been a big talker, but this is one time that John is sure he needs someone to listen. 

  

John’s not sure what the Wraith did to Ronon’s friends to change them, to enslave them to their wishes. But he's sure that it wouldn’t have been an easy matter to turn the the Satedans into Wraith worshippers. And he’s not sure what he could possibly say to make this any easier on Ronon, only… Ronon has always tried his best to be there for John and…

 

Well, something about Ronon makes John feel like HE is the big brother. Growing up, John had been the younger one, and had always wished for more of a connection than he'd had with Dave. John won't ever get to have the older brother he wanted, but maybe he can be the older brother to someone else who has lost their family. He finds Ronon in his room, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly.

 

Taking a seat next to him, John pats Ronon on the back, "I know it's hard, but you can't always protect the people you care about."

  

"Protect them…" Ronon shakes his head, "I got them killed."

 

"It wasn't your fault."

 

"No." Ronon looks at John with stormy eyes, "I was the one that killed Rakai. Ara's dead. Probably Tyre too. They were Wraith worshippers. They betrayed the memory of our people, they betrayed me."

 

"Yeah." John sits back and squeezes his lips tight, "That's a hard one."

 

"I should've realized-"

 

"No, you couldn't have known." John assures him.

 

"I'm just so sick of losing everyone." Ronon's expression is tortured.

 

"Yeah. I know." John says hoarsely, "I mean, I've never lost a whole planet… but I've lost a lot of people."

 

Ronon turns to John with a questioning look. Okay, here would be the part where John says something honest about himself -not what he is best at.

  

"First to go was my Mom, she killed herself when I was a kid. After that I lost my Dad and my brother." John sighs, "Well, we haven't spoken in, I don't know, 19 years or so?"

 

It seems like Ronon is waiting for him to say more.

 

"My wife didn't die, she left. But the person I loved most... they died in my arms. They died because I failed to rescue them. That was probably the hardest one. I still have nightmares about that.

 

Before Atlantis, I lost all of my friends, back in Afghanistan... dead and gone.  All I have left is what's here on Atlantis and sometimes it's hard to let myself admit how much you've all come to mean to me. The thought of losing any more people..."

 

John swallows his emotion, "I'm not saying it's the same, but I can understand what it's like to feel responsible for losing everything. The guilt and the terrible pain that comes from being the one to make it out alive."

 

Ronon eyes flash with emotion and he nods silently at John.

 

"You're a good man, Ronon. Most people would have given up and died a long time ago. And I know the guilt that comes from surviving, but –"

 

"But here..." John gestures expansively "You have a home where you are needed. You are a valuable member of my- I mean, you are a valuable _friend_. And, ah, I know that I don't want to lose you."

 

"You're not going to lose me." Ronon clasps John's shoulder fiercely.

 

John suddenly feels like their roles are reversed and Ronon is the one reassuring him. Maybe he had needed some assurance, because he feels immensely better hearing Ronon say that. He's really tired of losing people he lets himself care about.

 

.

  
.

 

Before the sun goes down, John heads out to the pier to watch the sunset with Rodney. Something the two of them often like to do when they have the chance.

 

Rodney turns around as John approaches, "Hey. Why are you so happy?"

 

Shrugging sheepishly, John smiles, "I'm just glad that Ronon's not leaving"

 

"Yeah." Rodney looks back out over the water as John stands next to him, "Me too. It just wouldn't feel like home without him."

 

Brightening, Rodney adds, "You know we should name this new planet."

 

John sidles up to him. "I'm sure it has a name already, Rodney"

 

Lifting a finger Rodney smiles, "Andoria!"

 

"That's from Star Trek" John is unimpressed.

 

"Okay, I've got it. Praxis."

 

John rolls his eyes, "As in the Klingon Moon that was destroyed in Star Trek IV?"

 

Rodney's mouth falls open in shock, "How do you even know this?"

 

"Well," John gestures a hand over the horizon, "It would make more sense to name it something that has to do with water or… How about Cerulean?"

 

"Right." Rodney makes a face, "Because that really sounds like an authentic Ancient word."

 

"It's better than what you've got so far." John smirks, "…Meredith."

 

Taking a defiant step closer, Rodney lifts his gaze up to glare at John, "I'll have you know that historically Meredith was a male name -which coincidentally means 'protector of the sea'."

 

John presses his lips together and tries not to burst out laughing, "So, you're going to name the planet after yourself?"

 

Rodney keeps his eyes narrowed at John, "No, I'm not going to- Argh." Rodney growls in frustration, "You leave me no choice, I will simply have to name it after my favorite superhero."

 

Grimacing, John shakes his head, "As in bat related…?"

 

"Eidolon. A species of bat from Madagascar, very cute actually. There is no way you've heard that name before. I'm putting it into the database, I'll say I discovered it in our next briefing." Rodney cocks his head at John, "You still owe me for that fruit basket and if you say anything about how I planted it there… I will end you."

 

"End me?" John chuckles, "Oh yeah? How you going to do that? Hit me again?"

 

Suddenly Rodney's arms shoot out and hit John square in the chest. The force is enough to send him reeling over the edge of the pier. He hits the ice cold sea and lifts his head above the water taking a big gulp of air.

 

Rodney's head is peering over the edge taunting him, "You won't even see it coming."

 

John swims to the edge of the pier and tries to climb back up, but the crossbeams are too far away and widely spaced, "Jesus, Rodney." John shouts, "I can't get back up, there's nothing to grab onto."

 

"Oh. Really?" Rodney asks like he doesn't quite believe it.

 

"Really!" John grits his teeth against the cold and his growing frustration.

 

Rodney leans over the ledge and begins to cautiously descend on one of the steep crossbeams. He reaches a point not far above John and frowns uncertainly at the water below. "Control room, this is McKay. We need an emergency Jumper to the West pier. Sheppard, ah, he tripped, and uh, he fell into the water. I'm doing my best but I can't get him back out."

 

John treads water and glares at Rodney.

 

"They're coming." Rodney leans forward, "It's going to- Ahhhhh!"

 

A heavy splash hits the water nearby as Rodney loses his balance and tumbles in after John.

  

"Oh fuck fuck. It's cold. Oh my God, I think I'm going into hypothermic shock."

 

John grabs one of Rodney's flailing limbs, "Hang on. Just calm down."

  

"We're gonna die and it's all your fault!" Rodney sputters water through his lips.

 

"My fault? Rodney stop. Stop panicking. I'm going to help you stay afloat. Just kick your legs and I'm going to hold your chest. That's it, just lean into me and move your arms the way I am."

 

"I know how to tread water!" Rodney snaps.

 

"Good. Then do it. A Jumper will be here any moment."

 

John keeps his arm around Rodney's chest and they stop arguing long enough to get a steady rhythm going. Finally Rodney stop struggling and relaxes into John, mumbling something about how they are even.

 

"We're what?" John asks

 

"Nothing." Rodney mutters holds tightly onto John until the Jumper arrives and pulls them to safety.

 

.

.

 

John turns around in his chair as Teyla abruptly leaves the breakfast table.

 

"Is she really mad at me?" he asks Ronon and Rodney; he can't believe Teyla is so upset about this nightmare she had about him.

 

Neither of them answer and John complains, "I can't control what's in her dreams."

 

"Really?" Rodney leans forward, "You think you can't control a person's dreams? My father read me Moby Dick when I was 7 years old. I mean, seriously, what was that man thinking? You have any idea how long I had those nightmares about being eaten by a whale?"

 

Ronon looks at Rodney in amusement, "They haven't stopped have they?"

 

Rodney looks embarrassed and lifts a fork to his mouth instead of answering.

 

.

  
.

* * *

.

. 

 

Later that evening, while sparring in one of his late night matches with John, Ronon gets injured. He and John head up to the infirmary and find Dr. Keller there. She visibly jumps when she sees them.

 

"Sorry, Doc." Ronon tells her, "Didn't mean to scare you."

 

"We were sparring. I got in a lucky shot." John explains.

 

Ronon gives John a dirty look as Dr. Keller wonders at them, "It's the middle of the night."

 

"Maybe for you" Ronon smiles.

 

Keller gestures to a bed, "Sit down, let me have a look." She peers at Ronon's face, "You're going to need stitches. Keller also gives John a dirty look and John lowers his head guiltily.

 

"I guess I taught him too much, huh?" Ronon teases.

 

"Yeah, I guess so." Keller replies.

 

"You know," Ronon tells John, "you don't need to stick around, I'm fine."

 

"You sure?" John asks.

 

"Yeah." Ronon counters, "I want a rematch tomorrow though."

 

"Yeah, that's what I was afraid of." John smiles tightly, "Goodnight."

 

"See you tomorrow." Ronon warns.

 

Turning back to Keller, Ronon notices her eyes are wide as she watches John leave, "Something wrong?" he asks wondering why she seems afraid of him.

 

"Hmm? No, nothing."

 

 _'Maybe she's nervous because she has a crush on him.'_  Ronon offers, "I don't think he's seeing anyone, you know."

 

"Oh! Oh, no." Keller puts her hands up, "No, that's… That's quite all right. You know, this would be easier if you lay down."

 

Ronon shifts onto the gurney and tries to get comfortable. He closes his eyes for a moment and suddenly finds himself on an alien planet. John attacks him and knocks Ronon unconscious. When he wakes, he is bound, in a deep pit,  John is above shoveling dirt on top of him.

 

He struggles against his bindings and then jolts awake to see Dr. Keller's hand recoiling from his brow.

 

"I'm really sorry." She inhales sharply, "Did I, did I hurt you?"

 

"No, no. I'm-" Ronon looks around the infirmary and regains his composure, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to… 

 

"You fell asleep." Keller explains.

 

"I was having the strangest dream." Ronon looks up at her and shakes his head.

 

"You sure you're okay?"

 

"Yeah. Go ahead." Ronon thinks for minute. ' _It's just, being buried alive is his worst fear.'_

 

Keller gingerly returns to her stitching, "I'm almost done."

  

.

  
.

  

Over lunch the next day, Ronon listens as Keller relates a nightmare of her own from the night before.

 

She tells Teyla, "It was terrifying. There you were with this disgusting alien bug crawling out of your stomach and Colonel Sheppard was acting like it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen."

 

"It sounds like that movie." Ronon interjects.

 

"Yeah, Alien." Keller nods, "Have you seen it?"

 

"Colonel Sheppard speaks of it often." Teyla gives a wincing smile.

 

As Jennifer and Rodney tell stories about how much this movie freaked them out after watching it, Ronon makes a mental note to see it the next time they have movie night.

 

Keller muses, "Don't you think it's strange that each of us has had incredibly vivid nightmares with Colonel Sheppard being somehow an integral part? 

 

"Acting most unlike Colonel Sheppard." Teyla nods.

 

"Not me." Rodney chimes in.

 

"Have you had any nightmares recently?" Keller asks.

 

"Not a night goes by." Rodney says sadly, "Last night I dreamt that, ah, um, Colonel Carter invited me to her quarters for dinner-"

 

Teyla interrupts, "Maybe you shouldn't be telling us this, Rodney."

 

"Yeah," Keller smirks, "I said nightmare, not delusional male fantasy."

 

"Wait… And listen. Turns out she was serving lemon chicken. I mean, _lemon_. And the only reason she invited me to dinner was to tell me that she was promoting Zelenka over me."

 

Ronon prods, "That's it?"

 

"Then I was eaten by a whale." Rodney grimaces, "Don't ask how that happened."

 

"Okay," Keller asks, "do you guys really think I'm crazy. I realize their just dreams, but first it was Teyla, and then right after you came to see me, I had one."

  

"And that's when mine stopped." Teyla adds, "Those pills you gave me knocked me out cold."

  

"And then Ronon had one while I was working on him." Keller looks at him.

  

"What's the big deal?" Ronon moves to stand up, "It's like you said, it's just a few bad dreams, right?"

 

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, before/ during/ after episode 3 "Reunion" & episode 4 "Doppelgänger"  
> .


	6. Losing Rodney is John's worst fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _There isn't anything John wouldn't do to protect Rodney. But he still hasn't found a way to protect his heart from the emptiness._  
> .

 

.

.

 

"So Sheppard is actually going to see McKay's dreams?" Ronon asks Sam, trying to understand how this is going to work.

 

"Well, to be honest," Sam answers, "the technology is untested for use in this manner. Dreams are much more random than subconscious thought. It may be difficult for the system to translate what's going on in McKay's brain so that Colonel Sheppard can understand it. I'm just hoping that the two of them will be able to interact somehow."

 

Ronon doesn't like this, but there was no talking John out of it. Once they'd finally discovered a way to detect the entity in a host, they'd found it had recently jumped into McKay. After John heard the news and saw Rodney quarantined in this insulated room, he'd been determined to find a way to do something about it... especially knowing that the thing feeds on fear… and McKay isn't the best at handling scary stuff.

 

When he'd seen the look on John's face, Ronon knew John would do anything, risk anything to save McKay from the thing that started terrorizing and then killing people in their sleep. Sure that it would kill McKay too, John had begged Sam to think of some technology that the SGC might have that could allow him to enter McKay's mind and help him.

 

Watching the observation room below, Ronon waits as Keller and the other technicians in hazmat suits hook John and Rodney up to the machine. The two of them are both lying on gurneys while the medical staff make the preparations.

 

Ronon scowls and tells himself that if anyone can get through to McKay, Sheppard will. Somehow they'll figure a way to get the creature to return to the crystal thing it came from.

 

Teyla had tried to tell John that  _he_  didn't need to be the one to do it, but she doesn't know how John feels about McKay. John will do whatever he has to to save Rodney, and HE is going to be the one to do it.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

John's stomach tightens in guilt thinking about Heightmeyer's death. All of this is his fault, if he hadn't gone and touched that stupid glowing crystal on the tree... it made no sense to do it, he'd just reached out and touched it for no reason.

 

Keller says those things have a way of mesmerizing and effecting the mind. After they'd brought back another crystal from the planet to test, she said she'd been overcome by a sudden urge, almost been compelled to touch it herself. She says that's how these creatures draw their victims in.

 

But John doesn't feel like a victim. Somehow it has imprinted John's image and everyone else started seeing images of John terrorizing them, hurting them...  _Killing them._ He feels like he may as well be the one doing it himself. He couldn't feel more responsible, he was the one who touched it and brought this thing back to Atlantis.

 

Whatever this malevolent creature is, it's capable of controlling the mind, killing with fear. He knows Rodney isn't going to make it if this doesn't work. This has  _got_  to work. John blinks at the ceiling, he can't let it hurt Rodney. At the very least maybe it will jump to John and kill him instead.

 

Rodney looks over to him from the nearby gurney, "You sure about this?"

 

"Not really." John acts calm to keep Rodney relaxed.

 

"I'm pretty screwed up." Rodney gestures to his head.

 

"You're telling me." John leans back into the pillow; he's not really worried about facing Rodney's varied and bizarre phobias. He's pretty sure he can face down a giant lemon. He just needs this machine to work. Rodney can't stay awake much longer, and John has to be there for him once he's unconscious.

 

"Thanks." Rodney looks at him with real gratitude shining from his beautiful blue eyes.

 

"I haven't done anything yet." ' _There's no guarantee this will work.'_ John tells himself grimly.

 

"For trying." Rodney continues, "-and don't say I didn't warn you."

 

The drug in the IV lulls John into darkness and then he hears someone that sounds like himself speaking in sinister voice.

 

He is suddenly in the middle of a rainy sea sitting on a rowboat. A different version of himself is at the front berating Rodney.

 

"That's not me, Rodney." John shouts over the storm, "Don't listen to him."

 

His double continues, "You're pathetic. You might as well jump in."

 

Rodney looks back to John in confusion "Don't be afraid." John tries to project the protectiveness he feels.

 

"Oh God, I have to get back." Rodney is rowing frantically in a panic, "I have to get back, that's my only chance."

 

John's Doppelganger smirks, "You're going to die out here."

 

"Shut up!" John yells across the boat, "Don't listen to him, Rodney."

 

"That's easy for you to say!" Rodney complains, "Why don't you help me row?"

 

John concentrates and the dream scene changes. Now he is sitting next to Rodney paddling one of the oars with him.

 

"You know," John tries to sound encouraging, "this isn't really as strange as you led me to believe."

 

"Oh, yeah?" Rodney gestures to the back of the boat, "What about that?"

 

John looks to see a circus clown leering at them. "I hate clowns." He makes a face, sure that the entity is taking that image from his own fears.

 

The Doppelganger taunts them, "You can paddle all you want. You're not going anywhere."

 

"He's right," Rodney seems to be losing it, "I'm going to die out here!"

 

"He wants you to be afraid." John shouts back over the rain and thunder, "Don't give him what he wants! He can't really hurt you.”

 

"That's where you're wrong." The Doppelgänger gives a menacing smile.

 

John's eyes go wide as a massive whale comes up from under the boat, swallowing them whole.

 

He wakes back up on the gurney to the sound of Rodney flat-lining.

 

_'No, God, no.'_

 

"What happened?" He sees Rodney's chest exposed as the cold paddles come down over him, his body convulsing under the electric current.

 

_'Come back Rodney. Come back.'_

 

But Rodney drops back to the gurney pale and still. John pulls the monitor tabs off his head and sits up in horror.

 

"He's in cardiac arrest." Zelenka is saying.

 

John's chest seizes up in terror; Oh God. It wasn't enough and now he's going to lose him.

 

Keller is using a ventilator, and John watches in dread as the man he loves lays cold and unresponsive.

 

The alarm, that flat electronic sound, won't stop, like it is begging someone to save him.

 

Covered in a sheen of sweat, wild eyed with adrenaline, John watches as Keller finally pulls away.

 

"I'm sorry," she tells John, "I've done all I can. He's dead."

 

John looks up at the ceiling and bites back a bloodcurdling scream. He can't breathe. He has failed Rodney, like he fails everyone. God, he would give anything to have another chance. He knows he doesn't deserve it; he has taken so much for granted. He always fails in the end.

 

_'Rodney, I love you. Please don't go. Oh God. Rodney.'_

 

John has to get out of here and scream. He has to go somewhere where he can scream and beg and cry without people staring. In a daze, he walks toward his quarters. Everything seems so quiet with the scream stuck in his throat. His footsteps echo in the halls that seem to stretch on forever.

 

As he stumbles down the corridor, Teyla approaches him, "This is all your fault, John." It's a shock to hear her voice his own thoughts.

 

Ronon is here too, looking at him with accusing eyes, "If you hadn't touched that stupid rock, McKay would still be alive right now."

 

He sees Sam but she won't forgive him either, "I thought you were going to help him."

 

"I tried." John answers numbly.

 

"Some friend you are." Keller chimes in.

 

They are all right. John told Rodney he would never leave him, that he would be there if Rodney needed him. But he has failed the one person he loves more than anything in this world.

 

Sam speaks up again, "Colonel, you've been compromised. I'm relieving you of duty."

 

Looking across the room, John sees his Doppelganger; he feels the rage rise in him and runs at the thing that killed Rodney, "Son of a Bitch."

 

He attacks and slams into it but his double easily throws John across the room.

 

"You can quit now," John pants, "I'm not afraid of you."

 

The Doppelganger looks at him darkly, with a knowing and suggestive expression. "Oh yes you are. I'm the one thing you are afraid of."

 

John's stomach twists in shame, he is afraid. The thing knows John is afraid of himself. Afraid that he's a faggot, weak, not good enough for anyone. He's failed everyone that mattered. He failed Rodney.

 

His own face smiles back at him in malice, seeing he has gotten through, "You failed your friends. You brought this on them, and there is nothing you can do to stop it."

 

Sure, John hates himself, but he hates this version even more. And he isn't going to let the thing get away with killing Rodney. Rushing back to fight John only finds himself getting soundly beaten. The other 'him' knows all his moves, he is stronger and faster.

 

Nothing he tries works, John is nearly beaten now. The Doppelganger grabs him up off the floor and throws him impossibly up a flight of stairs. John rolls onto his back and sees his double coming for him again. He only just makes it upright in time to take a vicious blow to the face.

 

He is being tossed around like a rag doll. He feels himself fly through the railing on the balcony and land back at the bottom of the stairs. Whatever strength he had is almost gone. Nothing matters now that Rodney is gone. He is lost.

 

"Get up". The copy behind him speaks with venom, "Come on, John… Fight!"

 

"No." He stays on the floor, struggling to speak, "That's what you want."

 

"It's your fault Heightmeyer's dead. Your fault McKay is dead!" The Doppelganger shouts for effect knowing how the reminder of Rodney's absence will hurt him.

 

Wincing at the words, John can't bear that Rodney is gone. This really is his worst fear come true, the day when he wouldn't be able to protect Rodney... he can't face a life without him.

 

Then John hears the sound of another voice.

 

"I'm not dead."

 

Looking up from the floor, John sees another version of McKay. This one is standing on the stairs, looking dashing and confident. Even if it is just in his head, his heart swells at the sight of him.

 

John's double turns on this vision of Rodney, pinning him into a wall, "You can't win."

 

"Yes, we can." Rodney sounds defiant, "You're vulnerable to electric shock. That's why I'm still alive. You left before you could finish the job!"

 

John can't be sure what is real anymore. Is Rodney alive, is that really him? Maybe Keller was able to bring him back after all.

 

A surge of blue electricity arcs, throwing the Doppelgänger back. It stumbles away from Rodney screaming.

 

John can't believe his eyes, asking the image of Rodney, "What the hell was that?"

 

The electric shocks continue and the Doppelganger cowers on the floor, groaning. Hoping the active wormhole in the Stargate nearby represents an exit of some kind, John grabs ahold of the entity and throws it in.

 

As he steps away from the gate, Rodney approaches him cautiously, "Which one are you?"

 

"Me." John offers in confusion.

 

"Good you or bad you?"

 

"Me, me." John shakes his hands hoping that Rodney is really here with him and not just a phantom from a dream state... That would mean Rodney is okay… He's alive.

 

He walks over to him, pointing, "Is that you… you?"

 

"I think so." Rodney sounds unsure.

 

Realizing this means Rodney went back into the machine for him, John opens his mouth not knowing what to say, all that comes out is, "Thanks." ' _Rodney came back for him.'_

 

Looking around at the replica of the gateroom, Rodney remarks, "Okay, this is really weird."

 

"You're telling me." John answers.

 

"I thought there'd be more…" Rodney pauses and gives a little shrug, "hot girls."

 

_Is that what Rodney thinks John's mind is like?_ Outwardly John narrows his eyes and tries to sound convincing as he smiles, "Yeah." John says shifting his eyes.

 

_'There's just you, Rodney'._

 

"Hmm." Rodney turns away from the wormhole, looking around as if he is still expecting to find one of these 'hot girls' somewhere.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, John sees a reflection of Rodney in the shimmering pool of the stargate.  _Shit._  He strides forward to keep McKay from turning around and seeing it.

 

He pats Rodney's shoulder and steers him up the stairs to keep his attention away from the reflection of Rodney's' own face behind them, "Well, I thought I saw you die."  _Shit. Maybe he shouldn't have admitted that._

 

Rodney walks with him blithely unaware of any connection this might have to John's own worst fears, "Oh I did. Pretty much. Went into cardiac arrest, but the shock from the paddles brought me back, and ah," Rodney smiles triumphantly, "drove the entity out of me."

 

"And into mine." John nods enjoying the feeling of his hand around Rodney's shoulder even if this is just a dream state.

 

He shouldn't have been so easily fooled to think Rodney was dead. Of course that thing had been able to sense that losing Rodney is his worst fear, worse that everything John is afraid of facing about himself.

 

Looking up at John with that excited little expression he gets when he's solved a problem, Rodney's whole face goes bright, "So then it was just a matter of getting it out of you. Sorry we had to shock you a little."

 

_But Rodney hadn't needed to go back into the machine to do that._  John presses his lips together to suppress a smile, "You still came back for me."

 

"Well," Rodney gets a bit flustered, "it was the least I could do after, ah, you know-"

 

John suddenly wakes up back on the gurney and looks over to see Rodney is still really there, alive. His whole body feels like it's sinking into the gurney with relief as he lets his head fall back to the pillow in exhaustion. He closes his eyes; everything is going to be okay now.

 

Thankfully Rodney hasn't put the pieces together or guessed what John's deepest fear is –or even worse seen that image John's mind conjured up when Rodney had asked why there weren't any hot girls.

 

Jesus. There should be more hot girls. Anything to get him to stop thinking about Rodney all the fucking time. Maybe he could pick up some extra duty shifts, offer to do some more of those supply runs to that tropical paradise planet Dr. Mackenzie is studying. There had been plenty of friendly hot girls there. The women there have... How did McKenzie put it? 'Little to no social inhibitions’.

 

When John had told Ronon about his failed attempt to seduce Lieutenant Farrow, he'd just shrugged, "There's gotta be someone or something else you can try."

 

Farrow reminds John too much of Rodney, maybe some hot girls who have no problem with one night stands would help him forget this unending heartbreak, at least for a night. Anything's got to be better than pining over Rodney and listening to him talk about Katie all the time.

 

.

.

 

Over the next month, John revisits McKenzie's tropical paradise as often as he can to distract himself from his feelings. Sometimes Ronon is able to join him on the resupply runs. It's empty fun; but it takes his mind off things with Rodney for a time.

 

The women there have no sexual inhibitions or sense of jealousy, the society is very communal and festive. A visit involves lounging around and eating before everyone gathers around the fire, drinking while the women dance seductively. They are beautiful to watch.

 

At the end of the dance, the women each select a man. He never knows who he is going to spend the night with, but he and Ronon are both lucky enough to be chosen on the nights they visit. If he lived someplace like this, John thinks he might be able to forget about Rodney. Almost.

 

But back on Atlantis he can't stop himself from fantasizing. He tries to start off with an image of something else, like a hot girl from McKenzie's planet... Or that beautiful space nomad who'd kidnapped him, Laren. God, Laren. It had only been one kiss but it had been so good.

 

He'd lifted Laren up off the floor and she had held onto his shoulder for strength. Just inches away from John's lips, she seemed much more fragile than the bad-ass who had punched him in the face earlier.

 

She brushed her lips onto John's seductively, then kissed him deeply. John's head was spinning, he surrendered himself to the moment and kissed her back. He hadn't been able to think of anything else but those sexy lips.

 

Of course it had just been a ruse to get his gun away from him again and John was soon kicking himself for letting the little minx get the upper hand again.

 

Late nights John often conjures up the image of Laren as he strokes his cock. But Rodney always interrupts it somehow. making the fantasy about him instead. In the end John always ends up needing Rodney to take him over the edge and climax.

 

John will remember how Rodney started chiding him once he got back. Yelling about how worried he'd been while John was kidnapped, how he'd toiled for days until he found that simple SOS signal on a subspace frequency, depriving himself of much needed sleep because he was certain that Sheppard was barely clinging to life.

 

Rodney had been so flustered and indignant that John hadn't ended up needing their help to get away. John just wanted to grab him and kiss him right there.

 

Sometimes he imagines that he had taken Rodney back to his quarters, showed him all the various ways in which he truly did appreciate the effort. Sometimes the fantasy takes place later that day, after Rodney had been interrogating him about his time on the nomad ship.

 

They'd been eating in the cafeteria and Rodney still seemed so upset that John hadn't been in any real danger; Looking at him skeptically, Rodney kept at him, "No, there's something you're not telling us. She was hot, wasn't she?"

 

John kept his eyes glued to his plate, cutting his steak with concentration and wondering how the hell Rodney always managed to suss these things out. "I don't know what you're talking about."

 

"Oh! I knew it." Rodney groaned, "That is so typical."

 

"She had me beat, Rodney." John argued. "She threatened to kill me several times. It wasn't like we were hanging out in the spa together."

 

"Whatever." Rodney rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively like he didn't care, "All I know is that every time I get taken captive, it's the Wraith."

 

"Just once" Rodney pointed his finger in the air with insistence, "I would like to be taken prisoner by the sexy alien."

 

That's when the fantasy kicks in. When John grabs Rodney and shows him what it could be like to be taken captive sexually -in all the best possible ways.

 

John tries, he really tries to stop thinking about how much he misses being closer to Rodney but he can't stop wanting him.

 

.

.

 

Not long after getting back from one of his visits to Mackenzie's planet, a quarantine situation develops in Atlantis. An alien bacteria of some kind begins to spread. The symptoms start with fatigue, dizziness, and memory loss.

 

While John helps isolate the infected, he finds out that Rodney is among them. He tested positive when he brought Katie to the infirmary because she was feeling ill.

 

But the efforts to contain the outbreak are ineffective and soon the quarantine is lifted. The infection has already spread citywide and the mess hall has to be turned into a medical overflow for the extra patients.

 

Sam says that she has ordered Zelenka to remove the main control crystal from the DHD. They can't risk spreading this disease elsewhere in the galaxy or back to Earth.

 

Finally Keller finds the bacteria is something rather benign in the Pegasus galaxy, not unlike Chicken Pox on Earth; it generally runs its course during childhood. But people in Atlantis are starting to die from it.

 

Being native to the Pegasus galaxy, Ronon and Teyla are now immune but it would take too long to synthesize antibodies from them. Since Zelenka now has lost his mind along with nearly everyone else and disappeared with the control crystals, John and Ronon have no choice but to fly to the mainland to look for the common plant that Ronon and Teyla say has the ability to cure the disease.

 

As he sits in the pilot's chair, John feels his concentration slipping. Ronon assures him that he knows how to fly the machine and John manages to lift it out of the roof-thingy.

 

Upon landing, John follows Ronon uncertainly out of the back of the Jumper and then he starts to get suspicious. How well does he even know this Ronon guy anyway and where the hell is he?

 

He decides he needs to get to the bottom of whatever is going on and get some straight answers from this guy.

 

But the guy gets impatient with his questions, "I told you already. We need to get that plant."

 

John shakes his head in suspicion not trusting anything that is going on here anymore. Then he hears the sound of a gun being cocked and everything goes black.

 

.

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, episode 4 "Doppelgänger", through episode 5 "Travelers", & episode 6 "Tabula Rosa"  
> .


	7. Ronan discovers why John won't tell him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _For Ronon, everything falls into place and makes sense now; but he only feels worse for knowing. There's nothing he can do to help his closest friend._  
> .

.

.

John wakes to find himself bound in the back of some kind of craft. He doesn't know how he got here, but he wastes no time in getting out of his restraints. Hiding in the bushes with a good vantage point of the ship, he waits. He is going to get whoever took him captive.

 

A tall muscular man he’s never seen before enters the clearing, holding a couple heavy bags in his hands. He huffs impatiently when he sees the empty shuttle. John pulls out his pistol and ambushes the man as he walks back out of the open hatch.

 

Once the man drops his gun, John demands some answers, "Now. Tell me. Who the hell are you?"

 

The man seems to know that John has no memory and tries to insist he should trust him.

 

At that, John cocks his gun and narrows his eyes at the guy.

 

"We're friends." The man insists, "The things we've been through together, I don't care what anyone says, no disease can wipe that away. Not completely. Okay, deep down, you know I'm telling the truth… Now give me the gun."

 

The suspicion John feels toward the other man ebbs slightly but not enough to fall for the story.

 

The guy seems to get fed up trying to convince him and throws his arms down in frustration, "Fine. Then shoot me. And you'll be all alone in a dark forest with no idea who you are, where you're going, or what you're going to do next… How could I possibly make it any worse?"

 

"That's a good point." John eyes him uneasily.

 

The guy gestures for him to lower the weapon. He's still wary but for some reason John decides to trust this man. He -Ronon is his name- says John knows how to fly the ship back to where they came from; all he has to do is use his mind. Ronon makes sure the course is plotted correctly and John flies them back to a small city floating on the water.

 

After he lands inside the hanger, Ronon insists that it’s important that they get the bags to someone named Teyla.

 

They barely make it out of the ship when some armed men stop them

 

Ronon tries to convince them that they are bringing important medicine but they won't listen.

 

When a man who appears to be their leader arrives, Ronon demands, "Lorne, you have got to listen to me. Everybody on this base is going to die if you don't."

 

This Lorne guy seems to have no idea who Ronon is and is planning to lock them up, but Ronon angrily insists, "Just look in your vest pocket!"

 

Lorne pulls out a photo, and Ronon continues, "You took a picture of him just in case it came to this. I was there."

 

It is a picture of John. Underneath it says:

 

"Lt. Col. John Sheppard  
-He is your commanding officer  
-TRUST HIM!"

 

"He's telling the truth." Lorne's face shows a puzzled recognition as he looks to John, "This is our commanding officer."

 

"That's right." John bluffs and tries to sound confident, "I am your commanding officer. So, you should do what I say."

 

"Yes, sir." Lorne answers. "What are your orders?"

 

With no idea what to do, John points his thumb at Ronon, "Do what he says."

 

Ronon takes his gun back from the men and tells John to follow him. Feeling wobbly, he manages to make it to the room where Ronon wants the bags delivered. He leans up against a table to steady himself, but then his knees slip out from under him.

 

.

.

 

Tossing and turning, drenched in sweat, John lapses in and out of fitful dreams.  
He is in Antarctica, all those years back… Remembering how much he'd had to drink to get up the courage to approach Rodney a second time.

 

He'd never had a second time with a guy before that… He got so drunk that night…

 

But it had been good, hadn't it? Until…

 

John sees Rodney after the last time he fucked him… sliding onto the floor of the shower, sobbing and broken. John had wanted to go to him… that was why he came back.

 

But he'd found Rodney so afraid, shaking and holding himself, like John had just done something terrible to him. Begging, "Please… please… no..."

 

Without realizing it, John had hurt Rodney somehow. All he could do was run away before Rodney could see that he'd come back.

 

_'Why did he run away? He should have gone to him and held him.'_

 

Then all those months later, in the back of the Jumper, John had done something else he'd never done before. He'd pulled Rodney into an embrace and let his head fall to rest on Rodney's shoulder. Right from the beginning, something about Rodney always made John want to let his guard down.

 

And it felt so good to hold him, after everything they’d never talked about in Antarctica. He'd held him for as long as he dared. John felt so close to Rodney after they'd saved each other's lives on that desert planet. Rodney had seemed to want to be close too.

 

The scene changes.

 

John sees Rodney that night long ago the two of them spent together under the stars. He took hold of John's hand and leaned in to kiss him, saying. "I don't want to hold back anymore."

 

John had wanted him so badly, but his fear was stronger than his desire. Rearing back, he tore his hand away, looking at Rodney with the mixture of horror and disgust he felt toward himself. Rodney's vulnerable expression fell into one of deep hurt.

 

Backing away as fast as he could, he told Rodney "I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this."

 

"Really?”, The pain in Rodney's voice was acute, "Because I kinda thought you did."

 

"No, I- I can't. Sorry, McKay" John had run desperately, seeking an escape from himself, these unnatural feelings.

 

_'Why did he run away? He should have taken Rodney in his arms…'_

 

Where is he now? The corridors seem to stretch on forever in front of him until John finally reaches the hall outside his quarters.

 

This is where it happened, in the hallway just outside his room. Rodney was getting too close and it terrified John.

 

"Don't go there, McKay." John strode forward like he was going to hit him. He was so panicked he’d almost done it; stopping inches from Rodney's face, shaking with rage, "I said, don't go there!"

 

To drive the point home, he’d looked at Rodney with a hard and stony hatred as if to say,  _'Stay the fuck away from me. I don't want you, and I never will.'_

 

That wasn't the worst of it… Later, he'd actually hit Rodney. All Rodney had been trying to do was smooth things over, but John was just too fucking terrified of what he was feeling; he had to get McKay away from him.

 

He'd snapped, furiously throwing Rodney against the wall with the palm of his hand; shaking with emotion, pressing it sharply into Rodney's chest.

 

"I said, don't. Go there. McKay… EVER."

 

Watching Rodney cringe in fear made John realize what he’d just done. Pulling his hand away, he was horrified with himself. Again, he’d just left Rodney there alone. It had taken him over a month to mumble a pathetic, "Sorry."

 

He still can't forgive himself for the look on Rodney's face when he slammed him into that wall. Rodney's eyes are so expressive…

 

Rodney's eyes… They glared up at him as John pinned him down on that couch in Colorado.

 

"Get off!" Rodney screamed, standing up shakily and looking wounded, "You know what? There really is something wrong with you. Something important is missing. I mean, you seem normal enough at first. It's like, they were passing out all the basic human components, 2 arms, 10 fingers… Oh. But they neglected to give you the necessary parts to form a heart."

 

Rodney's eyes… They had wavered with uncertainty as he apologized about Doranda.

 

"Honestly, I would… hate to think that recent events might have permanently… dimmed your faith in my abilities." His face fell, looking sorrowful, "Or your trust… At the very least, I hope I can –I can, earn that back."  
"That may take a while." John had answered him coldly.  
Looking completely broken and dejected Rodney whispered in a choked voice, "I see."

 

Rodney's eyes… They’d been so vulnerable when he’d told John about the demons that haunted him from the past; his own secret pain.

 

He'd known just what to say to make John feel less vulnerable himself. Then he’d asked John if he could hold him and John had given in. The fear and hurt had melted away as Rodney pulled him close, telling him, "Whatever you think you did wrong has been forgiven."

 

So much is wrong. How could it ever be? Rodney doesn't want him anymore; he has pulled away. And even though John doesn't deserve it, he still wants to be forgiven.

 

Rodney's eyes…They were emotional and watery just before collapsing in John's arms, dying.

 

He had looked so innocent a moment before, asking, "I think, in the grand scheme of things, we're... We're good, aren't we?" It stung that after everything that's all Rodney had to say about them. They were just 'good'. But still John couldn't summon the courage to tell Rodney he loved him. Not until it was too late.

 

Rodney's eyes… They were full of tears as he gazed at John, lying next to him on the pillow, grief stricken over Carson's death.

 

Looking completely lost, those blue eyes had searched John's face. As John wrapped his arms protectively around Rodney, he found one of his hands absently straying up to pet Rodney's hair. It was so soft, and the sensation of being that close made him forget himself. He'd let his fingers slowly trail down the side of Rodney's face. And Rodney's eyes… his eyes had been so wide and surprised.

 

Unable to wake from his feverish fit, John is aware that he is dreaming. Dreams about Rodney… Back when they were in Scotland for Carson's wake…  

 

That was the closest John has ever gotten to showing Rodney how he really feels about him.

 

When Rodney had broken down, John pulled him up into his arms; he held the back of Rodney's neck tenderly, tightening his other arm around Rodney's waist. Rodney wept and held onto John like he desperately needed him.

 

When John took Rodney's face in his hands, Rodney never looked up to see the deep longing in John's eyes, "You can ask me anything Rodney, I'll do anything I can."

 

Blinking through the tears, Rodney's gaze stayed lowered as John promised he wouldn’t have to make it through this alone.

 

But John had meant so much more than that as he pulled Rodney back into him, held him with such love, "I won't ever leave you, I promise, Rodney."

 

It felt so good to have Rodney need him like that. Rodney had been so shy, asking John if he could spend the night in the same room with him again. But John needed him even more. Needed to have another chance to spend a night holding Rodney in his arms. It felt like they belonged together like that, sleeping next to each other like they used to in Nevada.

 

But in Nevada they'd never been _that_ close, not the way they were in Scotland. They'd never wrapped themselves up in each other like that, never touched each other with such tenderness before. It was like a dream, too perfect to last.

 

As John tosses in his sleep, he feels cooler now. Maybe the fever has broken.

 

He falls into a deeper, dreamless sleep.

 

When he wakes, it is peaceful. He has the sense someone is in the room with him. Rodney?

 

He lifts a brow playfully and opens his eyes.

 

It's Teyla and Ronon.

 

"Colonel, you're awake." Teyla smiles at him.

 

"Mmm-Mmm" John tries to keep his eyes open, "What happened?"

 

"Teyla distributed the plant through the ventilation system." Ronon tells him, "Knocked you out for a bit."

 

"How long have I been asleep?"

 

"About a day." Ronon replies.

 

"A day?" John frowns.

 

Ronon explains, "Hit some people harder than others."

 

Enquiring about his memory, Teyla leans over the bed in concern; fortunately, it seems to be intact, even if he does feel a little weak. Ronon congratulates him on saving the day by having Major Lorne take that photo.

 

"Yes." Teyla agrees, "If the distribution of the cure had been delayed any longer, then many more people would have died.

 

"What do you mean?" John is alarmed. He looks around the room. His eyes wide, completely awake now, "Where's McKay?"

 

Teyla assures him that Rodney is alive and well in the infirmary. Awash with relief, John waits until the two of them have left and then gets up off his gurney to find Rodney.

 

After a short search he spies him, bent down by Katie's bed; Rodney is clasping Katie's hands, his head bowed over her unconscious body. He obviously has a great love and devotion for her. John feels like a bastard for wishing her gone and he envies the fact that she is the one that has Rodney's love. She is more deserving of it; but he still hates her for having it. He leaves quietly without disturbing the scene.

 

Dr. Keller sees him on the way out and says, "Isn't it sweet? He’s refused to leave her bedside this whole time."

 

_'Yeah. So sweet.'_  John smiles emptily and nods on his way through the door.

 

Katie eventually does recover, and John has mixed feelings about that. He’s happy for Rodney, of course. Clearly, Rodney is very dedicated to her and she is lucky to have him. It's not her fault that John is in so much pain. But God, it he could take back some of the things he's done… if he'd been a better person… Maybe...

 

Or maybe he's just kidding himself that Rodney could have loved him instead.

 

All of it is so wrong, John shouldn't be thinking about another man this way. It's not like women don't appeal to him… It's just, whenever he cums, whether it's with one of the hot girls on Mackenzie's planet, or by himself, he is always fantasizing about Rodney by the end.

 

He wants to turn his feelings off, find the off switch that he used to have. But this thing with Rodney… the problem of being so in love with him, it's getting harder and harder to live with.

 

.

.

 

John never saw this coming. None of them did. He shakes his head as he watches the sun start to come up from the window in his room. He feels too culpable to sleep. He had never imagined that reactivating the Replicator attack code would cause them to start destroying human worlds in order to diminish the Wraith food supply.

 

The Wraith that once restored John's life had come to Atlantis to ask for their help in deactivating the Replicators ‘kill code’. John had been suspicious, but he’d felt there was something about this Wraith that was a bit different. John doesn't trust him exactly, but he had been willing to take a risk and hear him out. Now it has been confirmed. Hundreds of thousands are dead; three human planets have been decimated already. Who can say how many more will have to perish before they can find a way to undo this.

 

With the creature's ship destroyed by an enemy Hive, they are now missing the last pieces of the original code, used thousands of years ago to shut down the Replicator command to attack the Wraith. But they’ll force their prisoner to help Rodney until the two of them can piece together a solution.

 

He knows Rodney is having a hard time with this too. John had tried to assure him earlier that it wasn't his responsibility, that John had been the one to make the call. But Rodney still blamed himself, reminding John it was all his idea to begin with.

 

Knowing all too well what it is like to carry the burden of responsibility, John took a soothing tone with him, "You never could have known it was going to go this way."

 

"No," Rodney sighed, "we don't know that for sure. Look, remember the nanovirus that caused the fatal aneurysms? I always suspected the Replicators were behind it."

 

"Yeah, but you never proved it." John tried to put an end to Rodney second-guessing himself.

 

"But we know how they feel about the humans, they think they were a mistake. We should have seen something like this coming." Rodney told him with a heavy face.

 

He had hated to see that look on Rodney's face.

 

Turning from the window, John makes his way down to the lab to check on Rodney; somehow he knows he’ll still be awake working on the code.

 

When he gets there, he sees the Wraith has been taken back to its holding cell. Rodney is there alone with his shoulders pinched and hunched over his computer in an uncomfortable position and John wonders how long he has been sitting like that.

 

When John walks up behind him, Rodney doesn't look up, remaining locked in his tense position. Without thinking, he reaches down and grips onto Rodney's shoulders, kneading his thumbs into the muscle and pulling Rodney back and upright in the seat.

 

Rodney inhales sharply and John realizes what he has just done.

 

Still, he can't let go. He finds himself massaging into Rodney's shoulders and rubbing at the knots.

 

"You can't just sit here bent over the computer all night." John tries to sound innocent.

 

"Uh… Well, somebody's got to, uh…" Rodney's body goes slack under John's hands and he relaxes completely.

 

It's hard not to think about that night when John massaged Rodney for hours; he'd gotten to run his hands completely over Rodney's back and arms. The feel of Rodney's skin is something he’s missed so much.

 

He should really stop touching Rodney now, but it feels so good. Rodney leans his head back and looks up at John, delirious and sleepy. While John keeps forcing Rodney's shoulders to relax, Rodney begins to ramble.

 

"The Wraith keeps trying to tell me I need to iterate all values of the expression before I can aggregate the results, otherwise I risk compounding errors. Which is stupid, we're better off using known data points and extrapolating.

 

I have most of the original shutdown virus to compare to the changes I made to the code. Theoretically, knowing what we know and knowing what he knows, we should be able to work together to shut them down again."

 

"Like Dinosaurs turned into birds, theoretically, or Theory of Relativity, theoretically?" John asks in serious tone.

 

"What?" Rodney blinks his tired eyes in confusion. "I don't know… I, oh. Funny."

 

Laughing, John shakes Rodney's shoulders before finally forcing himself to release his hold, "I thought so. Now, get up and go get some sleep. You aren't going to make any more headway tonight… I mean morning or whatever."

 

"I know but I just gotta-"

 

"Rodney. Sleep." John pats the side of his shoulder, instinctively looking for a reason to touch him again.

 

"Okay" Rodney relents and stands up drowsily.

 

"Come on." John walks him to his quarters, just to make sure Rodney really does get some rest.

 

As he watches Rodney disappear into his room, John wishes he had a reason to go in there with him. Just to sleep next to Rodney and hold him… God, what he wouldn't give for that.

 

.

.

* * *

 

.

.

 

Ronon takes his dinner out to the patio with Teyla. She is kind as always, seeming wise even with the simplest words. Ronon wonders if she has the answers to some of his unanswered questions with John. He decides to try to ask what he can without arousing suspicion.

 

First the two of them discuss the recent abduction of the Athosians form their settlement. She is having a very hard time dealing with the uncertainty of what happened to her people. It had been so sudden, all of them just disappeared without a trace. And the only person who may have known their true fate escaped their grasp.

 

Ronon promises her that they won't give up until they have all the Athosians safely back. She reaches out her arm and touches his shoulder, thanking him for being her friend and ally.

 

They speak of other things for a while; then, when there is a lull in conversation, Ronon gives her a pensive look.

 

She turns to him giving her full attention, "What is it Ronon?"

 

"I just… I've been wondering… How come there aren't… I mean there aren't any guys that date each other here on Atlantis, are there?"

 

Teyla closes her eyes and shakes her head, "If there are, I believe they keep it a closely guarded secret."

 

"Why?" Ronon frowns.

 

Taking a breath, she lifts her eyebrows in a reproachful manner, "The people of Atlantis are not advanced in all things."

 

Pausing, she adds more diplomatically, "There is a deep superstition, religious in nature, I believe, that has resulted in such social taboos."

 

"But most people here aren't even religious." Ronon is confused.

 

"No," Teyla leans her head to the side, "but such social conditioning, over a great period of time, has resulted in a deep fear and hatred."

 

Ronon feels like he might be getting to the bottom of this; John had said he thought Ronon would hate him if he knew. "Hatred? Of what?"

 

"It is my understanding that the idea of two men, or two women, being involved romantically, is abhorrent to many people from Earth."

 

He struggles to comprehend. On Sateda some of his best comrades were men who dated, or were married to, other men. They were in the minority, but no one would have thought to hate them or think less of them for who they loved. It was no more any issue than Ronon dating a woman.

 

"I know," Teyla responds to his confused expression, "such intolerance is difficult for me to understand as well. Among the Athosians we have had little reason to persecute each other. Perhaps it is because we were united in fighting the Wraith."

 

"What do you mean persecute?" Ronon is struck by the word she uses.

 

"Earth has historically…" Teyla looks uncomfortable, "There have been great injustices done."

 

"Tell me what you know." Ronon demands.

 

She looks reluctant, "Their history is filled with tales of violence, burnings, disfigurement... imprisonment, even death."

 

"How do you know this?" Ronon cannot believe what he is hearing, "Does this still happen?"

 

Teyla is quiet for a moment, "I cannot divulge the source, but I befriended a woman in the military who... prefers the company of woman. It was not easy for her to share these things with me. She was afraid that I would reject her, and I inquired as to why."

 

Ronon feels warm with anger, "You can't be telling me that they put people to death for this?!"

 

"Well, from what I could understand, it seems that doesn't happen so much anymore on Earth, not legally. But sometimes people are killed. More often they are beaten, especially during childhood. And for someone in the military, it is expressly forbidden."

 

"What happens to someone in the military?" Ronon feels a dread in his stomach.

 

"They… lose their rank and social standing. They are… put on trial, publically humiliated and dismissed from service."

 

"If you know of anyone…" Teyla looks at Ronon pensively, "You must never speak of this, or great harm will come to them."

 

"They would do that?" Ronon balls his fists shaking in rage.

 

Teyla nods her head sadly.

 

This explains everything. Why John didn't feel he could trust Ronon enough to tell him about Rodney. Why John feared he would lose Ronon's respect. All of this is so fucked.

 

No longer hurt by the fact that John wouldn't confide in him, Ronon makes a decision never to pressure John to talk about it. If John tells him, it will be in his own time. He feels… just sadness.

 

There must be a great chasm of despair that John feels over his love for Rodney. And this must be the reason why John thought Rodney would be happier with someone else. It all falls into place, but Ronon feels worse for knowing. There is nothing he can do to help his friend.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, during/ after episode 6 "Tabula Rasa", through episode 7 "Missing, & during/ after episode 8 "The Seer"  
> .


	8. Think you're going to find someone better?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Maybe Jeanie is right, Rodney should be satisfied that he's found a woman willing to put up with him at all. He's not exactly a catch, and the person he really loves will never feel the same way._  
> .

.  
.

 

It's been about a year since Rodney and Katie started dating. And things have been going really well.

 

There've been no major fights and she still seems to like him... It's just... he doesn't feel as happy about it as he thought he would. Meeting a nice girl and settling down has been the goal, to try to achieve some of the domestic happiness his sister seems to have.

 

He can't put his finger on it exactly, but it feels empty somehow. It's nice to be liked, but it doesn't feel that Katie really knows him for who he is... and if she doesn't know him, the feeling of connection is false. Maybe with time, it will be easier to open up. But Katie just doesn't feel like the kind of person to joke around with or tell the dark stuff to. She is more like a pleasant, pretty thing that he doesn't want to scare away.

 

In the end, everyone has left Rodney. It seems kind of inevitable that she will too. But he is trying to do things differently with her. Maybe it is for the best that he tries to hide the less likable sides of himself. Still, the idea of maintaining this balance indefinitely sounds exhausting. And if he is honest with himself, it isn't very fulfilling. Sometimes, he even thinks about ending things between them.

 

Stupid, he knows, she's the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. He really doesn't want to fuck it up. He's never had a woman be willing to date him for this long and Rodney is grateful, whatever the reason, that she still seems to be interested.

 

This is, after all, probably the healthiest relationship he's ever had. He doesn't know why he can't just be content. Maybe he had a fantasy of what a deeper connection would feel like. That fantasy, whispers to him sometimes, makes him long for more. But reality is something else, something plodding and dutiful, careful and restrained. And Katie is... she's lovely, really.

 

Maybe one day he'll figure out how to find the kind of happiness Jeanie's found with Kaleb, even something just a little bit like that would be nice.

 

These days Rodney and Jeanie talk more frequently. Now that they are back in each others lives they email frequently. Lately they've even been corresponding about some of his work on the Replicator nanites. Since she signed the NDA with the Air Force, technically he's not breaking any rules by getting a fresh pair of eyes on the research. But what Jeanie seems to delight most in, is giving Rodney romantic advice. Well, sometimes it feels more like interrogating and micromanaging. But he takes her critiques without too much complaint since he has a lot to make up for. And he supposes when it comes to relationships, of any sort, Jeanie is much better at human interaction than he's ever been.

 

.

.

 

Rodney can't believe it was just a week ago that he and Jeanie were happily arguing online with each other about nanites and his relationship with Katie. He was starting to feel like things between them were back to how it had been when she was in graduate school. Collaborating and conversing in their combative but close knit manner. His niece Madison had even drawn a picture that included him as part of the Miller clan. Now that he's managed to get Jeanie kidnapped and put her family in danger, everything is ruined.

 

He should have known better than to send such sensitive material back to Earth, to get Jeanie involved in his world. In a sick sort of way, Rodney's gotten used to facing impending death, but to put Jeanie at risk... Rodney sighs and glances about the room where they are being held captive. Some rescue attempt this turned out to be. Now he's stuck here with the same lunatic that managed steal the nanite technology.

 

Jeanie was right. They probably should have just tried to help their kidnapper alter the nanite coding. Rodney should have been less defensive about taking the blame for the mess he got her into. He shouldn't have acted so sure that he could break them out of here and talked her into that ill-fated escape attempt. He should have just said he was sorry.  

 

Now their infuriated captor, Henry Wallace, has injected his sister with the fatal nanites; a kind of motivation to insure Rodney would try to cure his sick daughter.

 

Though he has left them alone to work on the coding, his threat still hangs in the air, "Fix this or they both die." Wallace told Rodney after injecting Jeanie with the nanites.

 

But Rodney is as sure that it can't be done as he is that this Henry Wallace guy is just going to kill them anyway. Even if by some miracle he could alter the nanites in a way that might fix the guy's kid, Wallace could never allow them to live long enough to expose him. And since his company manufactures the subcutaneous transmitters for the SGC, there is no way John or the others are going to be able to track them. They are dead for sure. Doomed. And Rodney is going to die knowing he is responsible for his sister's death.

 

His shoulders hunch in on themselves in remorse and Rodney blinks back some tears, gulping at the lump of hopeless dread in his throat. _'Try not to think about Jeanie dying. Try not to think about Jeanie dying.'_ There has to be something... Some way...

 

But the program was designed to inhibit the nanites on a fundamental level, to make them less dangerous and keep them from replicating. That is why they are not communicating with each other and full of fatal flaws. 

 

Maybe if they were to unleash some of the restraints Rodney built into them... It would take rewriting several thousand lines of code or so...

 

"Look," Rodney walks back to his computer and peers at his sister, "I'm really sorry about all this."

 

Jeanie can't even look at him, "I really don't want to talk about this right now, okay? We need to write this program and upload it to my nanites. I will yell at you later, okay?"

 

"Okay." Rodney sits down to keep working, telling himself there will be a later. He'd give anything to have Jeanie alive and yelling at him later.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

"We're going in circles here." Sifting through paperwork for all these hours has John frustrated; every agent on Earth with clearance has been working to find Rodney and his sister but they've gotten nothing.

 

"I don't even get what we're doing." Ronon admits.

 

"We're trying to match the corporations." Agent Barrett explains, "See the company that rented the space for the internet router, which was owned by another company, which was owned by another, and owned by another."

 

John offers his own explanation to Ronon, "Trying to connect the company that was monitoring Jeanie's computer to a company that would want to take her."

 

"Probably a company owned by The Trust, we just haven't found the connection." Barrett supposes.

 

"They knew enough to shut down the transmitter." John reminds him.

 

"Exactly," Barrett tells him, "You know, that fact that they even knew that tells us that they're pretty intimate with the operations of the Stargate program... Again, the Trust."

 

"We should widen the net." John leans forward in his chair, "Maybe it wasn't one of them."

 

"Other known enemy group?" Barrett asks.

 

"Or an ally." Ronon adds.

 

"Chinese? Russians?" Barrett questions.

 

"McKay said he was working on a program to shut down the Replicators." John frowns, "Was he working in tandem with anyone else here on Earth?"

 

"No." Barrett shakes his head, "No, not that I know of... Wait, there was a medical company that was working on other nanite programs, but they didn't have any direct dealings with him."

 

"Which company was that?" John is interested.

 

"I don't know." Barrett sets down some papers, "Give me a sec. I'll find out."

 

Ronon follows Barrett out of the room and John demands, "Where are you going?"

 

"To get some food."

 

"Well in case you forgot, McKay and his sister are still missing." John accuses.

 

"What?" Ronon sighs and gives John a look, "You want my help dissecting corporate structures? When you find someone to point a gun at, you let me know."

 

"Ah, fair enough." John lets him leave.

 

It's only because of his own misspent youth that John knows how to analyze corporate structures. He didn't enjoy it then, and he sure as hell doesn't now. But until he finds Rodney, he will do whatever he has to.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Rodney is restless, "What, it's been a couple hours?"

 

"Something like that." Jeanie answers.

 

"So what, no updates?" He paces, "I mean, I know we're hostages and all, but come on! It took me like 10 seconds to upload the program to you. What's taking them so much time?"

 

Fretting out loud, Rodney moves back and forth across the room talking a mile a minute.

 

"Okay, sit down you're driving me crazy!" Jeanie yells at him.

 

He folds his arms and sits down with a pout.

 

"So," Jeanie pipes back up, "are you going to marry that Katie girl?"

 

"What?" Rodney is stunned, Jeanie's never said anything like this to him before about Katie.

 

Jeanie is singsong, "You heard me."

 

"Where did that come from?"

 

"I'm trying to take my mind off the fact that I have tiny robots running through my veins because you needed help with your homework. Would you rather talk about that?"

 

Deflated, Rodney answers, "Not really."

 

"So are you going to marry her?" Jeanie repeats herself.

 

"I don't know" Rodney croaks.

 

"You've been dating for over a year now." She points out.

 

"I'm aware of that," Rodney meets her challenging look to deflect his feelings of inadequacy about pretty much everything right now, "thank you." he adds bitterly.

 

"You think you're going to find someone better?" Jeanie makes a dubious face.

 

Embarrassed, he replies, "No, it's not that." He's well aware that he's no great catch.

 

"Cause you're not." Jeanie laughs.

 

"Hang on." Rodney feels insulted even though he knows it's true.

 

But Jeanie keeps going, "The fact that you found a nice girl who's willing to put up with all your many little flaws is a miracle."

 

She's right, Jeanne knows him almost better than anyone. Even she is shocked Rodney managed to find an attractive and decent girl willing to put up with him for a year.

 

Her words still sting and he wants to cut her off, "Look-"

 

"Plus, physically, you're... Well, how do I put this? You're no John Sheppard." Jeanie laughs again at her last statement.

 

The last thing Rodney wants to think about is not being good enough for John Sheppard. He couldn't feel any lower right now.

 

His face ices over and he stands up, "Okay. Let's go back to talking about how this is my fault, because I think I liked that better."

 

Gratefully, the door to the room opens and ends the conversation. Rodney and Jeanie are taken to see Wallace's daughter; she has apparently recovered from her ailments.

 

It seems like a glimmer of hope at first but then there are complications. A short time later they are informed the girl has died. Rodney is sure they are soon to follow her to the grave but then something strange happens. She revives. Alive but vacant and unresponsive.

 

Jeanie and Rodney deduce that after the nanites the repaired the cancer, they stopped the girl's heart to repair a slight valve defect. After her death the nanites went back to work repairing the brain damage, leaving her mind  as empty as an infant.

 

_'Oh God_. _Jeanie's epilepsy.'_ Rodney realizes this means the same thing will happen to her.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

After breaking into Develin medical facilities, John and Ronon shoot their way through and push the door open to the lab where Rodney and Jeanie are being held.

 

They find them alive and John heaves with relief, "You guys okay?"

 

Jeanie starts, "How did you-"

 

Rodney interrupts yelling, "We need to get Jeanie to the SGC immediately! Is the Daedalus still in orbit?"

 

"You're welcome." John stares at Rodney incredulously, "It was a daring rescue."

 

"Yes-yes-yes," Rodney sputters, "thank you, but we're nowhere near out of the woods yet. We have to get to the SGC now!"

 

Seeing the look on Rodney's face, John doesn't ask why. He radios the Daedalus while his men secure Henry Wallace and beam them all to the SGC.

 

After Jeanie is placed in a medically induced coma, Rodney explains that her legs had to be broken to give the nanites something to repair before moving to her brain and wiping her consciousness. These nanites have been engineered to be immune to an EM pulse and Rodney doesn't think he has the ability to come up with a solution on his own. He tells John that his only hope is to convince their Wraith captive to help.

 

Bringing a Wraith to Earth is one of the worst ideas John has ever heard. But Rodney says he needs him and so he makes it happen.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Desperate and out of his mind, Rodney tries to appeal to the Wraith and find a way to motivate him to help."Do you have any relatives? Do the Wraith have brothers or sisters? I don't know how it works. But with us... My people? Those bonds mean a lot. My sister is in trouble and... it's pretty much all my fault. You could help us. You could save her."

 

The reply is half-yawn, half growl.

 

"Doesn't mean anything to you, does it?" Rodney's heart sinks, "I suppose it wouldn't mean much to me, either, if I was in your place."

 

"Okay." Rodney nods stoically, then lifts his chin to try another tactic, "Okay. You and I both know that if we can figure out how to shut down these Earth-made nanites, it would be a giant step toward shutting down the Replicators. I know you lost your Hive. I have no idea how horrible that must have been for you. But knowing that they're still out there, that you alone could do something about it? That's got to be driving you crazy."

 

The Wraith looks like he's giving Rodney's words consideration so he continues, "So don't do this for me. Don't do this for my sister. Do this for yourself. Do this because you know you can, and because you know it'll help destroy the Replicators once and for all. What do you say?"

 

The creature gives a hesitant nod and Rodney feels a surge of hope in the darkness as the two of them begin working together on the coding .

 

They seem to be making progress but a few hours later, all is lost again. The Wraith suddenly collapses. He has not fed in some time and his body seems to be shutting down.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John takes Rodney to a private room to talk about the new development, "What if he's faking? What if he's just milking it for a hot meal?"

 

"No, I believe him." Rodney answers sincerely, "He can't finish the coding without feeding. I understand exactly what he's doing, but he's far more versed at implementing it than I am. Maybe if I had a couple of weeks, but he's the only one who can do it in a day."

 

"I don't know what to say, but the NID is not going to provide us with a human for him to feed on." John doesn't know where Rodney is going with this line of reasoning.

 

"I know. It needs to be me."

 

"What?" He looks up at Rodney in horror.

 

"I want him to feed on me." Rodney's eyes move nervously but he holds himself sure as if he has thought this through and won't be talked out of it.

 

"You want to what?" John's eyes widen as he moves face to face with Rodney; his heart is pounding with anger and terror. There is no way anything like this is going to be allowed to happen but the mere thought of Rodney being harmed in any way sends his adrenaline into overload.

 

"Let him feed off me," Rodney's shoulders stoop but his voice stays determined, "get his strength back, then he can finish the coding and save Jeanie."

 

"Then, what," John throws his arm out in a defiant gesture to emphasize the futility of the idea, "force him to give you your life back? He's not going to do that."

 

Rodney swallows and explains to John that the girl who first received the nanites has died again, this time from a defect in the nanites themselves. He pleads, "I can't lose my sister, John. How am I going to explain that to her husband? To her kid?"

 

"That Wraith'll kill you." John's steels his eyes at Rodney. _'And no one is allowed to kill you as long as I'm alive and breathing.'_

 

"It's my choice to make." Rodney holds John's gaze without wavering.

 

"No, it's not." John's voice is heavy and low, his eyes flash with emotion; he looks at Rodney with a fierce protectiveness but there is a soft affection he can't hide, "You're a valuable member of my team, and you report directly to me."  _'You are invaluable Rodney, I love you and I can't lose you'._

 

"Really?" Rodney's voice goes up a notch, "You want to talk about chain of command right now?"

 

Scared that he isn't going to be able to control Rodney, John's speaks in a loud command, "You are not doing this."

 

"She's here because of me. I can't fix the problem, but I can help the guy who can. Look, this was not an easy decision to make."

 

"I can't." John's lips pull into an expression of pain.  _'I can't live without you Rodney, I'm sorry'_

 

"Please." Rodney is wide-eyed, begging now.

 

Unable to find his voice for a moment, John's lip trembles as he tries to speak; he whispers hoarsely, "I'm sorry."  _'I'm sorry Rodney, I love you too much to let you go. Even if you never forgive me for this'._  

 

And the way Rodney is looking at John now, he doesn't think he'll ever forgive him. If John lets Jeanie die, Rodney will despise him for the rest of his life. But at least Rodney will be safe.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Rodney can't believe John has shut him out of his own lab. After stealing a key card, he tries in vain to open the door but it doesn't respond. His failure catches the attention of a nearby guard. He steps over and demands to see the key card. Rodney tries to rebuff him, but the guard is insistent.

 

Relinquishing the card, Rodney is told, "You're not Dr. Lee, sir."

 

"Is that Lee's card?" Rodney flubs, "You know we were just at the gym and must have swapped pants, so would you just open the door for me?"

 

"Not without a card, sir."

 

_'He has to get in there and offer himself to the Wraith.'_ "Look I'm Dr. Rodney McKay. This is my lab. Would you please open the door?"

 

"I can't do that, sir." The guard just stares at him.

 

"This is a matter of life and death!" Rodney is losing his composure and panicking, "Open the door!"

 

As if responding to his distress, the door opens from the inside.

 

Rodney spies John in the lab and begs, "Sheppard?"

 

"Let him in" John says calmly.

 

Cautiously stepping in, Rodney sees a body bag being wheeled out on a gurney. The Wraith is standing upright, in perfect health.

 

"What?" Rodney gasps.

 

John has a hard expression on his face, "I was showing Wallace the labs. The Wraith got the upper hand. That's what the report's going to say."

 

There is a darkness in John that Rodney sometimes forgets is there. He looks at him in apprehension, "You..."

 

"Come on." John's face stays dark and cold, "You've got work to do."

 

.

.

 

After the nanites have been rendered inert, Rodney travels with Jeanie back to Vancouver and gets her settled in with her family. While he is there, he impulsively stops at a store that sells engagement rings. He didn't come prepared with a lot of money to spend but Jeanie's sentiments keep echoing through his mind. 

 

_"You're not going to find someone better, Rodney" "You know it's true"._

 

The fact the he found anyone at all is a miracle. He knows deep down he is pathetic and unlovable, he has too many flaws for anyone to love him for who he really is. His best chance to settle down is to try to woo Katie into marriage before it's too late and she changes her mind. 

 

Feeling sad and empty, Rodney picks out a ring and buys it on the spot. Just in case he gets the nerve to ask. He'll probably never manage to do it anyway. Rodney's never been good at taking emotional risks. Even when another person would think the odds are good, Rodney would rather not risk the pain of rejection.

 

There had been that one night when he'd been brave. With John. He'd tried to be vulnerable, stupidly thinking John saw something more in him and wanted him back. It had been so unlike himself to reach out and try to kiss John in a delutional moment of romanticism.

 

Rodney can see it in his mind now. The look on John's face. The complete disgust and revulsion. Of course John didn't want him, he'd been so stupid to ever fool himself into thinking otherwise. He'll never be able to forget that look on John's face as he pulled away from Rodney in horror. There is still a sharp pang in his chest every time Rodney remembers.

 

.

.

 

When Rodney gets back to Atlantis two nights later, he finds himself walking to John's quarters. Stepping through the door, he sees John reclining on the bed, reading a magazine.

 

"Hey." John greets him casually.

 

"Hey." Rodney repeats the sentiment.

 

"Look who's back." John peers at him intently, "How was the family?"

 

"Ah, It was great..." Rodney sits on a nearby chair, "I bought them a Prius."

 

"Guilt." John guesses.

 

"Yeah." Rodney admits before leaning forward in his chair to inquire about what's really on his mind, "Listen, I can't believe what you did."

 

"I don't really want to talk about it." John looks back to his magazine.

 

But Rodney can't let it go, "You talked Wallace into sacrificing himself."

 

"No, I didn't."

 

Confused, Rodney tries to understand. That had been what John did, right? Just talked the man into something, not forced him? He doesn't really care because the fact of the matter is that John saved Jeanie -and him, but it can't imagine how John managed it.

 

"Well then how did he-?"

 

"I..." John shuts the magazine, "I presented a situation... He volunteered."

 

"Still, you talked a man into killing himself." Rodney wonders if that's all there was to it.

 

"He wanted to make things right." John has that dark look again, "I merely, uh..."

 

After a moment of silence, Rodney fills in the rest of the sentence for him, "Presented a situation."

 

Looking back to John, Rodney sees the soldier's face has dropped away. Right now, John reminds him of a lost, hurt boy.

 

There is pain in his green-flecked eyes. But also a crack of openness, like John wants to be understood. His furrowed brows are trying to conceal emotion by looking far too cross but altogether failing .

 

John's are lips pressed together just enough to look sad but not so much that the kissable pout has disappeared.

 

_'Oh John, I really wish you would have let me kiss you.'_

 

"Yeah." John whispers.

 

Wishing John were answering his thoughts and not responding to what he said out loud, Rodney blinks sadly, "Thanks."

 

There is something in the way John is looking at him... If he didn't know better he could almost swear that John wants to be kissed. Rodney kicks himself for even thinking about it. It's ridiculous how off base he is with these things.

 

"Want to get something to eat?" He sighs and stands up.

 

An unpredictable look flits across John's face, then he throws the magazine to the side saying, "Sure."

 

He wonders if John even thinks Rodney is at all attractive. Jeanie had made it sound like John was so completely out of his league that it was ridiculous.

 

As they walk to the door, Rodney decides to test John's thoughts on the matter, "Say, you and I are about even when it comes to looks, right?"

 

"Who's been lying to you?" John teases.

 

All right, fine; Rodney knows that he isn't anywhere near as good looking as John but he just wants to know how John would rate him, "No, I'm serious."

 

"I am too." John banters, "Who's been lying to you?"

 

Whatever. The only reason John ever looked twice at him was because he'd had so little to choose from while stationed on Antarctica. Rodney doesn't know why he even cares so much what John thinks about him anyway. He has Katie at least.

 

.

.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes before/during Season 4, episode 9 "Miller's Crossing"  
> .


	9. This changes everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John witnesses something that makes him wonder if there was a time when he still had a chance to win Rodney back._  
> .

.

  
.

 

Getting ready for the mission John still can’t get over the shock of seeing Elizabeth’s face on that video feed. When he first saw her, his heart soared thinking they had her back. But then she’d explained that she was a copy of the Elizabeth he knew, not _his_ Elizabeth. Only a duplicate, created by a rebel faction of the Replicators to study Ascension. But still, a duplicate with all her thoughts and memories, exactly like Elizabeth.   

 

She and a small group escaped the destruction of the rebel base and fled to a hidden planet to escape the Replicators. She says they have intel vital to help Atlantis defeat them once and for all. It could be some kind of trick... but in the back of John's mind he can’t help but feel like maybe they are getting her back somehow.

 

When the team gates to her location, they find more than just a copy of Elizabeth; there are copies of the rest of them as well. Seeing himself, standing face to face with another John Sheppard… well, it's very strange. Rodney's duplicate strikes up easy banter with his original.

 

But John is more suspicious of his double, "You said you got something for us."

 

"Yeah," The Sheppard copy prompts, "McKay."

 

Both McKays look up and John's double clarifies, "No,  _MY_  McKay". The way the other Sheppard says it sounds familiar and possessive to John.

 

They are shown a device said to be capable of tracking all Replicator ships in the galaxy. Both Rodneys get very excited about the possibilities, bubbling over each other's thoughts to describe how it could best be applied.

 

 _HIS_  Rodney is saying, "...run it through an Ancient relay so that the information is-"

 

The Rodneys continue, now speaking in unison, "Automatically adapted and outputted."

 

"Outputted?" John asks skeptically, "Is that even a word?"

 

"Of course it is." _His_ Rodney rebuffs.

 

"We can't both be wrong." The other Rodney taunts.

 

Two McKay's is almost too much to take. John slows them down and reminds them that it would be a security risk to allow the doubles access to Atlantis.

 

 _His_  Rodney is unperturbed by the dilemma, saying they can easily bring the equipment needed back to the base camp. The two happy doubles continue planning and complementing each other on their mutual genius.

 

As the Rodneys leave for the Jumper, John rolls his eyes. The Ronons and the Teylas head out with John's double to look at the rest of the base camp scattered through the forest. Alone with Elizabeth in the big tent enclosure, John asks if she'll take a walk with him.

 

But once they are a minute or so outside the camp it occurs to him that this might be his only chance to inspect the gear the duplicates brought to the compound without being observed… Perhaps make sure they are not planning some kind of ambush.

 

He asks Elizabeth if she can wait for him and sprints back. On his approach, he spies the other Rodney -not  _his_  Rodney, running out from the tent alone.

 

 _'What is he doing back here?'_ The double is supposed to be in the Jumper with  _HIS_  Rodney. Duplicate Rodney starts to head back in the direction of the Jumper.

 

Before he makes it out of the clearing John's double steps out from a nearby tree and calls to him, "Rodney."

 

Out of breath, Rodney stops and raises his eyebrows expectantly. The Sheppard double -John decides to call him Shep- strides over to him quickly.

 

There is a deep longing in Shep's voice as he repeats himself, "Rodney." Shep places his hands on the unzipped edges of Rodney's jacket and pulls him in close; Rodney is pliant, his eyes go big and soft.

 

"So" Shep tells him, "if we're not the real us, If I'm not even in the military then... I figure this changes everything." He bites his lip with a vulnerable countenance, "And before we go running off into God knows what… I want you to know-"

 

Deliberately letting go of Rodney's jacket, Shep moves his hands up to Rodney's face; at first, cradling it tenderly, then clasping it with growing confidence. Rodney closes his eyes in pleasure before looking up at Shep with an expression that could only be love.

 

Shep looks like his whole body is vibrating. John can feel the passion like it is his own; like he is on fire.

 

Rodney, -this other Rodney-, lets Shep tilt his head slightly to one side. Pulling him in gently, Shep brushes his lips lightly across Rodney's mouth. Then Rodney lets out a light moan as Shep presses his lips more firmly against him, tasting, savoring, and kissing with all the longing John has ever felt for  _his_  Rodney.

 

Rodney's lips part, taking it all in and deeply returning the kiss. John never knew it could be like this. That it could be so... _God._  Watching this feels like how Rodney -maybe how  _his_  Rodney- would kiss him.

 

It is lustful and sweet, so sweet. Rodney's arms wrap up behind Shep's neck and wind into his hair. He is pulling Shep desperately into him, like it is not enough. Like he could never get enough.

 

The way they are together is so perfect. The way their mouths move on each other… John has never seen two men kiss before and he'd never imagined it could be so… sweet. Hot as hell, but so intimate. It makes John's cock ache.

 

The pair pull apart for a breath and rest their heads together, foreheads bowed.

 

"This changes everything." Rodney agrees, his chest rising and falling with anticipation.

 

Shep's eyes are closed but his smile is unmistakable, he lowers his head until his lips are next to Rodney's ear. John can't hear what Shep whispers but in his heart he knows exactly what it is. Rodney's body flutters and he ardently pulls Shep into another kiss; this time more intense, demanding even.

 

Is it possible that  _his_  Rodney ever felt this way about him? John feels like he is losing his mind.

 

Biting Shep's lower lip, Rodney catches it in his teeth; then whispers a reply. Shep pulls him back in, holding his upper back and waist possessively as he takes Rodney again with wild abandon. The desire between them is maddening and palpable; it gives John butterflies in his stomach.

  

Finally, Shep pulls away with his hands on Rodney's shoulders. The two of them stare at each other in desperate lust, like they are barely restraining themselves from acting on their need right here in this clearing. But Shep tightens his grip on Rodney and shakes him as if to break the spell.

 

"Okay… We have to stop." Shep is firm. "At least until the mission's over." he adds with a glint.

 

Rodney nods reluctantly. 

 

"I just needed you to know, just in case we don't-"

 

"We will." Rodney interrupts and lifts his chin stubbornly, "Especially now that I know, and, and now that you know. We aren't going to lose each other again."

 

Breaking contact, Rodney tears himself away as if it physically hurts him and begins running back in the direction of the Jumper.

  

John ducks to the far side of the tree before Shep can see him. Okay, that wasn't at all what he was expecting to find back at the base camp. He doesn't even know how to process this. He loses his legs a little and leans against the tree trunk for support.

 

Fuck. His whole body is trembling. It wasn't him, but it felt like him, like he and Rodney had… Oh, fuck, why hadn't he let Rodney kiss him back when he  _wanted_  to.

 

Now he will never forget what it looks like, what it feels like. There is no going back. This does change everything.

 

 _Focus John._ He has to get himself together and complete the mission. Before his thoughts can betray him any further, he runs back to where he left Elizabeth.

 

Thankfully, she is right where he left her. But John is saddened to hear that she believes the original Elizabeth has perished. He can't help but speculate about the possibility of having her return to Atlantis anyway; she is doubtful she'd ever be accepted given that she was created by Replicators. But even if she is not the original, John wants this Elizabeth back home with them. 

 

A deep rumbling noise interrupts his sentiment. The Replicators have found them.

  

They start to take fire and now John is thinking about _his_  Rodney, back at the Jumper and how he can keep him safe. He gets word that the SGC personnel at the gate have retreated; they tell him that it is under heavy guard by the Replicators.

 

The Jumper will never make it; even cloaked they will be destroyed before they get through. Elizabeth insists that what the team needs is a diversion, one she and the others would be willing to provide. But John doesn't like the idea of putting her at risk.

 

To persuade him she argues, "From the beginning we've been trying to convince ourselves that we're just like you. Now we've got a chance to prove it."

  

Eyeing her reluctantly, he resigns himself to the fact that he is likely going to lose her again. "All right. Let's go." He whispers.

  

**.**

  
**.**

  

John's team heads for the gate on foot and he sees their Jumper with the doubles in it being attacked by the Replicators. It takes fire and crashes behind a hill. But it gives them enough of a diversion to escape through the Stargate.

 

Once back in the gate room, John says with sad certainty, "No one else is coming." 

 

He wonders, had the real Elizabeth been alone and afraid when she'd died? Would Shep and Rodney have built a new life? They are probably dead but he is going to imagine them living out their lives together, free of any danger or fear of court martial. In his mind, they are out there somewhere, happy and with each other.

 

Cursed by the memory of the kiss he witnessed and the knowledge that Elizabeth is gone forever, John knows he won't be able to sleep tonight.  Every time he closes his eyes he sees that Jumper going down in smoke. He aches for a Rodney that might love him back, the way Rodney's double loved Shep. 

  

.  
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* * *

.  
.

  

Rodney has been working on the data the duplicates delivered to them all night and into the early hours of the morning. It's one of the perks of the job. If something terrible happens, he doesn't have time to dwell on it - he's too busy trying to stop the next terrible thing from happening.

 

Seriously, if it weren't for the Replicators and their plot to wipe out every human being in the galaxy, he'd be falling apart right now. First Carson and now Elizabeth… Rodney's eyes flit back and forth across his computer screen as he fights to control his emotion. He swallows the lump in his throat. No, he's just not ready to deal. Not yet.

 

Burying himself back in the work, Rodney thinks of nothing else for a long time.

 

Sometime later Rodney hears John's voice over his shoulder, "How's it going?" 

 

"It's all right." Rodney lies not looking up from his screen.

 

"Why don't you call it a night?" Something about the way John stands over his shoulder feels very protective.

 

"No. I, uh, want to finish this." Rodney takes a breath and furrows his brow looking to John, "What about you? Isn't it past your bedtime?"

 

"I approve the removal of her personal items tomorrow." John's voice is wooden and his eyes cast to the ground. "...have everything shipped back to Earth."

 

Seeing the lines of grief in John's face, Rodney nods in understanding.

 

"I would have done it sooner, but I actually thought we were going to…" John pushes his lips together the way he always does when he's upset and glances at Rodney, "bring her back"

 

"Yeah." Rodney croaks in commiseration, "Me too."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John's lips push together again and his face clouds with pain. Shifting the topic, he knits his brows in concentration. "Let me know when you get this thing working."

 

Then he pats Rodney on the back because he has to touch him, just for a moment. He has to feel some kind of connection before he turns to go.

 

"Will do." Rodney answers hoarsely.

 

The screen beeps, "Oh! Wait!", Rodney stops John from leaving, 

  

The program he's written using the data from their doubles is working, showing the location of Replicator ships in the galaxy. John is happy to have an excuse to return to Rodney's side and watches him type out commands. At first the screen lights up with a handful of ships. But then there are more. A lot more.

 

"Well, at least I don't have time to fall apart." Rodney says with a wince.

 

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* * *

 

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.

 

Ronon has noticed that John has slipped back into his old habits. He has no interest in visiting Mackenzie's planet anymore; he is looking too thin, with dark circles under his eyes. Ronon has barely seen him the last few weeks. Off duty, John puts in a lot of solo time at the gym and says little to anyone.

 

He wishes John would talk to him but remembers what Teyla told him about people being hated and mistreated for loving a person of the same gender. He won't push him, but Ronon wishes this wasn't something John felt he had to bear alone.

  

If John doesn't want to visit Mackenzie's planet anymore Ronon will have to figure out something else to lure him away from his misery. This has been going on for too long. 

  

Trying to figure out the timing of it all, Ronon's best guess is that if the two of them dated before Atlantis, that would mean John picked Rodney to be on his team after they'd been lovers. Which could mean that this whole unrequited love thing could have been going on for years before Ronon found out anything about it.

 

John really does seem to be hung up on McKay, like his heart can't be resigned to the idea of letting anyone else in. He'd said, Rodney was 'it' for him. During his sparring lessons with Rodney, Ronon hasn't gotten him to open up much. He'd been hoping to learn a bit more about the guy. For a man who talks so much, it is surprising how little McKay truly reveals.

 

Of course, Ronon and McKay are very different, so he doesn't fault himself on the lack of bonding. He cares about Rodney and has come to feel a kind of closeness with him after all this time being on a team together. But Ronon doesn't imagine he'll ever feel close to Rodney the way he does with John. When John will let him in, that is.

 

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* * *

.  
.

 

John has spent a lot of time obsessing about things since he saw Shep kiss Rodney's double. The other Rodney –the copy- would have been  _HIS_  Rodney about a year and a half ago. He can't stop thinking about everything that's happened, when it happened, and whether it really means anything about how Rodney might have once felt about him.

  

He mulls over the things that happened before the Replicators probed their minds and had the information to copy them. Due to the influence of Lucius's herb, he and Rodney had given each other massages. While under the influence of the Wraith enzyme, Rodney had given John a blowjob. And when they had gotten so close again that John found it almost impossible to resist his attraction to Rodney, well, that's when Rodney had gotten so angry he accused John of not having a heart. He deserved it of course, John knows he's a mess. 

  

Long before any of that, back when Rodney really did have some kind of interest in him, he'd tried to kiss John. John had freaked out on him and rejected him cruelly. He'd rejected Rodney and then slept with Chaya… Then freaked out again and pushed Rodney into a wall. Fuck. He hates himself.

  

The thought that Rodney, the version that existed a year and a half ago, might have still kissed him with such abandon - _even after John's heartless rejection_ \- well, it's driving him mad. Had Rodney still cared for him in some way? Even after all that, if John had handled things differently at some point, would there have been a chance for them to be together again?

 

He wants to stop thinking about it because it's useless now. He wishes he could be someone else. Someone less damaged, less afraid of losing everything... someone that had been able to be with Rodney the way he really wants to. The way John wanted to then, but couldn't admit.

 

Despite it all, he feels closer to Rodney now than he's ever been to anyone. They've shared so much more with each other since the Replicators downloaded their consciousness. Maybe it started that night Rodney first held John in his arms, that night John told him about Lyle. ...Then came all those nights they spent together afterwards, finding excuses to be close to each other. 

 

Or maybe it was just John who wanted to be closer? Once it was to late and he finally admitted to himself how in love he was with Rodney. John knows he's always been an emotional coward like that, only admitting his feelings once it's too late. And it was far too late by then. Wasn't it?

 

And Rodney is actually happy now like he deserves to be. Even though John feels like he is dying, it's probably what _he_ deserves. If only he'd come to his senses a little sooner, maybe it could have been different. He could have told Rodney he loved him. He should have been able to tell him that years ago. If he'd been less of a coward, if he was a person who knew anything about how to be close to someone else without hurting them...

 

Maybe none of it is the same anyway. Maybe that isn't how the real Rodney from a year and a half ago would have reacted. But John can't stop obsessing about it, too many of the variables are identical. He is sick with guilt over how he treated Rodney, sick with shame for loving another man, sick over his cowardice for pushing Rodney away when he had a chance. He is stuck in his own private hell; the emotional train wreck inside his head that will not stop.

 

He has to punch something, he needs to punch something now or he is going to scream.

 

John makes it to the gym and slaughters the punching bag. He throws himself into it until he is panting from exhaustion.

 

When he tries to sleep, Rodney is still there. The kiss is still there. Playing over and over inside his head. John finally gives in to the longing and pulls out his cock. When he cums, he is thinking about the way Rodney's body fluttered as Shep told him he loved him.

 

.

  
.

 

John listens as Rodney tries to tell the various ship commanders of his plan to deal with the Replicators by altering their nanite coding, going on in his typical long-winded fashion.

 

"Rodney." John tries to give him the cut-off signal.

 

Oblivious as usual, Rodney tells John he is not ready to take questions yet. Slumping back into his chair, John gives up.  _'Okay Rodney, you're on your own.'_

 

He watches as Rodney's presentation is abruptly aborted by the commander of the Apollo.

 

"Well, you didn't let me finish my presentation." Rodney snaps in annoyance.

 

"I think I got the gist of it." Ellis tells Rodney curtly.

 

"Really?" Rodney looks livid.

 

"Rodney." John whispers from his chair, hoping he will take the hint and finally shut up.

 

Refusing to back down, Rodney points his finger at Ellis, "No, no, I'm just wondering when the Colonel here became a math and physics expert." Rodney turns his finger to point at himself.

 

John sighs into his hand as Ellis dresses Rodney down, "Doctor, you came into this meeting knowing that you had nothing, but instead of just saying that like a man, you thought that you'd dazzle us with a lot of fancy talk and think that we were too dumb to notice."

 

"So, now you're questioning my manhood?" Rodney spits angrily.

  

Sam puts her hands up and tells the entire room, "All right, that is enough!"

 

Rodney whines, "No, he just told-"

  

"Rodney," John interrupts, he can get through if he is direct enough, "move on."

  

Finally looking at John, Rodney takes a breath and stops.

 

_'Atta boy, Rodney.'_

 

.

.

 

While Rodney continues to experiment with the nanite cells, John heads out with the fleet and begins taking out Replicator ships using the new data they got from their duplicates. But when the Replicators regroup to their homeworld, they don't have enough firepower to take out the Replicator home planet, at least not without more ships. John might have an idea about that. If they released their Wraith prisoner, some of the Wraith might be willing to join the fight... Maybe he could get some of those space nomads to help too.

 

When John gets the update on Rodney's nanite work he is less than pleased that Rodney has created a full human looking machine rather than a simple nanite block, "This is not what we talked about Rodney!"

 

"Yeah, well." Rodney is apologetic, "I'm sorry, but the block idea didn't fly. This was the only way."

 

"Do you have any idea what kind of a security threat this is?" John demands.

 

"It's not as bad as you think." Rodney tries to soothe him, "I've stripped down its programming as much as I possibly could without sacrificing basic viability. It can walk, it can talk, but it can't replicate or change its form or anything."

 

Finally John lets it go, given all the strange twists and turns this endeavor has taken, "Well, we are teaming up with the Wraith, I guess it's that kind of a mission."

 

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* * *

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.

 

As Rodney goes over calculations back in the lab, his Replicator creation suggests some modifications to ensure the proper density to destroy the nanite cells. He realizes she is right; they won't reach the threshold with his existing model.

  

Back in the briefing room, Rodney tries to sell the new idea to Ellis and Caldwell, and their new ‘allies’ -those space nomads and the Wraith. He explains that by overloading the Replicator's ZPMs, they can create a chain reaction that would increase the density of the reprogrammed nanites and obliterate the entire planet.

 

"All this is based on information provided by a Replicator?” Ellis doubts Rodney’s decision to consider input from the machine, “We have no reason to trust it."

 

"We're not trusting it," John speaks up, "we're trusting Rodney."

 

Rodney feels a flush of gratitude and loyalty. John trusts him. He remembers the incident at Doranda and how long it had taken to gain John's trust back. In fact, until now Rodney hadn't known John's trust in him was so complete. He hopes to God this works and he doesn't let John down again.

 

As Sam and the others coordinate what they think the best plan of attack will be for the various ships in this loose alliance. Rodney can’t help but feel a bit anxious about the fact that his new plan necessitates that he’ll have to beam down to the planet and gain access to the Replicator core room to input the changes himself. But he’ll prove that John’s trust in him isn’t misplaced.

 

Once all the allies have agreed on the plan of attack Rodney feels more confident, instructing them, "while I'm working in the core room, we'll beam F.R.A.N. down to the city."

 

"Wait a minute," Ellis stops him, "F.R.A.N.?"

 

"It's a Friendly Replicator Android." Rodney self-consciously explains.

 

"I didn't realize we were naming things." John objects sarcastically.

 

.

  
.

 

As the armada of varied ships heads out to the Replicator home world and begins its surprise attack, F.R.A.N. and Rodney's team are beamed to the surface. It doesn't take long for him to hack into the grid. He tells the fleet to hold on just a little longer while he finishes.

 

The ships are taking a beating but then Rodney's program begins to take effect. The Replicators firing on them start to dissolve and sink to the planet and it looks like they are going to make it. But then the power grid goes down before Rodney can trigger the ZPM overload. Quickly, he improvises and comes up with a brilliant solution to compensate… okay, well maybe Sam’s input helps a little in coming up with a work-around.

 

"Son of a Bitch" Ellis swears over the radio, "he actually did it."

 

Rodney grins smugly. In the end he alone saved the day and destroyed the Replicators. Mostly. The others helped a little.

 

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* * *

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.

 

After enjoying a little harmless flirting with Laren on the nomad Traveler ship, John heads back to Atlantis to enjoy some good-natured flirting with Rodney. Rodney is always oblivious to it, so John indulges himself.

  

Walking over to the control room machines, he leans lazily with his arms over the console, gazing at Rodney with deep desire. Busy studying the computer screen, of course Rodney doesn't notice.

  

"How are our good friends, the Wraith?" John asks.

 

"Well, they never showed up at the rendezvous point."

 

"Hmm." John looks at the screen innocently, "Think they got caught in the explosion?"

 

"I doubt it." Rodney speculates, "guess they just figured that there was nothing left to talk about, so as soon as the planet blew up, we were back to being enemies."

 

"Hmm. Wraith back to being enemies. Replicators don't exist anymore." John leans fully into the console to face Rodney, "You out of your dry spell…"

 

"Hey!" Rodney gives a hurt expression.

 

"All is right with the world." John gives a winning smile without any tease to it, "What are you working on anyway?" He asks warmly.

 

"You'll be surprised to hear that removing a planet from the database is actually a lot of work."

 

"I thought you'd be pretty good at that by now." John's mouth lifts into a slight smile at the edges, thinking of Doranda. 

  

"You just can't resist bringing up the fact that I once accidentally destroyed a couple of planets, can you?" Rodney's face flushes red at the reminder.

 

It's true; John can't resist the urge to tease Rodney whenever possible. "It was an entire solar system." He corrects with mock seriousness.

  

Still flustered, Rodney twists in his seat with annoyance, "You want to do the honors?"

  

Eyeing the button Rodney is gesturing to on the other side of the console, John decides it's best if he doesn't get too close. He just wants to kiss Rodney until there is no fluster left in him. He can't stop thinking about that kiss he saw between their duplicates, he wants to kiss Rodney like that so bad it hurts.

  

"No, go ahead." John keeps his voice even.

  

"All right. M7R-227, you were a constant pain in the ass. It's good to see you go." Rodney speaks as if he is giving a eulogy, then strikes the computer key decisively.

 

John watches the image disappear from the screen still fantasizing about kissing Rodney when he realizes Rodney has just asked him if he wants to grab a late dinner.

  

Thrilled that Rodney has opted to stay up past Katie's bedtime, he jumps at the chance. "Absolutely."

 

"All right" Rodney finishes up some final keystrokes, as an afterthought he adds, "I would have loved to have seen Ellis' face when my plan worked. “He's such a tool."

  

Just to be contrary John quips, "I like him."

  

"You do?" Rodney falls for it as he usually does.

 

"Yeah." John continues, "Good guy, excellent judge of character."

 

"Oh, I see." Rodney groans, then laughs for a minute, "I see where you're going with that."

  

John joins in and lets himself laugh. He tries not to think about kissing Rodney - how everything changed in that moment. Everything changed when he felt what it would be like to have Rodney love him back. It feels so real, like he actually had Rodney with him for a moment before he lost him again. For a moment.

  

He feels his mask start to slip, the despair starting to bleed through. To hide it, he forces himself to smile a little wider. The Replicators are gone. Rodney’s happy. All is right with the world. Almost.

 

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.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, during/ after episode 10 "This Mortal Coil" & episode 11 "Be All My Sins Remembered"  
> .


	10. Why is John in love with this guy again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John is clearly struggling and Ronon tries to get through to him._  
> .

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.

Trying to think of ways to draw John out, Ronon thought for sure surfing on the mainland would peak his interest. But he's grown distant and hard to reach, insisting everything is fine when asked. Over the last few weeks, the best Ronon's been able to get from John is running a few laps here and there. But he'll take what he can get.

 

It's like he's in the same limbo John is; everything is just... wrong, and Ronon doesn't feel like himself these days either. He can't imagine any reason for John keeping quiet about it all, other than his fear of Ronon's rejection. It's so frustrating, he just wants to shake John, tell him he knows, and doesn't fucking care.

 

Ronon even breaks down again and tries to talk to Teyla about it. He wishes he could say more without betraying John's secret. Teyla is kind but doesn't have any new ideas other than trying to talk to John. Yeah. Right. Tried that.

 

He misses his friend; John is his go to guy and things feel absent without him. Sometimes Ronon hangs out with Lorne and his team. After he and Lorne had gone out drinking in Scotland, they've gotten a lot friendlier. Still, it isn't the same.

 

Other than John, Teyla is probably Ronon's closest friend; she's always been a lot of fun to fight with. But Teyla has just confessed she is pregnant, so that puts fighting off the table. Now she's always bugging Ronon to meditate with her and he is just about bored enough to take her up on it.

 

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.

 

Ronon is getting more grumpy and restless by the hour. Since they found the abandoned Wraith ship it has proven difficult for Rodney to crack. John thought that their old Wraith 'ally' activated the transponder signal as a kind of distress call. But when they arrived, all they found was a ship damaged by recent battle; the Hive is empty, no one left alive, just a few Wraith bodies laying around.

 

So far all Rodney's been able to do is get the engines online.

 

Ronon leans onto one of the consoles and a view screen suddenly springs to life. _"Hmm. Well, that's something, at least more than McKay's been able to activate.'_

 

"What did you do?" Rodney spins around in suspicion.

 

"Nothing." Ronon backs away. He knows how fussy Rodney gets about people touching machines he's working on.

 

"You touched something, didn't you?" Rodney accuses.

 

"No…" Ronon mumbles, "Maybe just a little."

 

Lorne steps up to the screen, "What is it?"

 

"Looks like a map." Ronon joins them for a closer look.

 

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Rodney snipes at him, "Of course, it's a map. The question is a map of what."

 

Ronon blinks at Rodney in irritation. Sometimes he just can't believe that John is in love with this guy. 

 

.  
.

 

When John and Teyla join them in the control center, Rodney explains the difficulty he's having in getting the ship operational. Like other Wraith ships it seems controlled by mental interface; like the systems in Atlantis, keyed for those with the correct genetic sequence.

 

"I figured out where the ship was headed before it was attacked." Rodney adds.

 

"WE..." Ronon gives McKay a disgruntled look, "figured it out."   _He_ was the one who bumped into the console and gave them their only clue so far; Rodney always has to take credit for everything. 

 

"Yeah, right." Rodney scoffs, "All you did was activate a screen. I'm the one who searched through the ship's log and found the mention of the top-secret Wraith outpost."

 

"What Wraith outpost?" John asks, unimpressed.

 

"I'm sorry," Rodney is sarcastic, "I assumed a level of uncertainty was implied by my use of the phrase 'top-secret".

 

"In other words," Ronon confides to John, "he doesn't know."

 

After some more bickering, Teyla is able to activate the ship with her mind. Looks like Rodney was right, the Wraith DNA in her system allowed her access. More than that, her pregnancy seems to be enhancing her Wraith abilities and control. She convinces John that they should head to the secret outpost immediately; the Hive that attacked this ship already has a head start on them.

 

When they arrive at the coordinates, Rodney picks up high energy readings from the planet as well as a Hive ship in orbit. Keeping their decrepit vessel out of range, Ronon, John, and Rodney take a cloaked Jumper down for a closer look. On the surface they discover a massive Wraith facility, the corridors are endless and yawn out in front of them.

 

"Don't worry," Rodney tells John, "I've got an excellent sense of direction."

 

Keeping his gun pointed straight ahead, John asks, "Didn't you say you got lost in a garden maze once?"

 

"I was 10!" Rodney exclaims, "Plus, I was running from a bee."

 

Sometimes Ronon really can't believe that John is in love with this guy. 

 

They press on and find a room with a sleeping Wraith Queen covered in biotic coils.

 

"What the hell is this?" John mutters.

 

"It's a queen." McKay answers.

 

"Nice work, Sherlock," John whispers, "but what's she doing?"

 

"I have no idea."Rodney makes a face of disgust.

 

"Sheppard." Ronon gestures toward an adjacent area filled with cocoons in various stages of development.

 

But hearing a sound, he soon stops their inspection short, "Hey we got company!" he whispers abruptly, "Go! Go! Move!"

 

As they move to conceal themselves in a side chamber, Rodney tucks in behind John and Ronon steps behind Rodney. But he notices Rodney is standing out too far, still within the line of sight. Ronon finds himself protectively pulling Rodney back to keep him safe.

 

It's weird, but he knows how protective John is of Rodney… somehow it makes Ronon overly protective too.

 

From their hiding place, they witness a newly formed Wraith being pulled from one of the cocoons. It's one of the most hideous things Ronon has ever seen.

 

"Well," Rodney murmurs, "I'm definitely going to have nightmares about that."

 

Exploring more of the facility, they determine it must be some kind of Wraith farm. As they continue, one of the small chambers empties into a vast open space. There must be thousands... hundreds of thousands of them waiting to hatch from cocoons. 

 

Rodney finds a console and hacks into the internal schematics; the facility is miles in diameter. Something like this could produce millions. John is determined to destroy the place before it can hatch it's new Wraith army. So the three of them set out to find the power source of the operation and shut it down.

 

Instead they find their old Wraith 'ally' in a holding cell. Shooting the guards nearby, they free him to get some answers.

 

"Sheppard." The creature growls appreciatively, "How did you find me?"

 

"We followed them." John answers, looking dispassionately at the dead Wraith on the ground.

 

"You picked up my signal." The Wraith continues, "I wasn't sure you would come."

 

"What are friends for?" John eyes the thing with suspicion, "Now, tell us everything you know or you're going to join your two friends on the floor."

 

As they leave the holding cells behind, the treacherous Wraith explains that this cloning facility is powered using ZPMs he stole from the Replicator homeworld before it was destroyed. That is what is allowing them to produce so many. To make himself valuable to them, and probably to keep Ronon from killing him on the spot, he offers to lead them to the ZPMs.  But before they reach their destination an alarm begins to sound.

 

"They have discovered my absence!" The thing exclaims. 

 

A firefight suddenly erupts and Ronon feels himself being hit by a Wraith stunner. He struggles to stay conscious but another shot takes him out completely.  

 

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* * *

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Rodney wakes on a hard floor and tries to sit up. John is leaning nearby with his hand on his neck. Rodney can't believe he's thinking about anything other than imminent death right now... but John looks incredibly sexy half sitting, half laying down against that uneven mound coming out from the wall. Something about it is seductive and Rodney must be delirious for finding anything in this predicament alluring. But John always manages to be... never mind. God. Rodney blinks and tries to clear his head.

 

Noticing Ronon is alert, he complains. "How come I'm always the last one to wake up?"

 

No one answers him.

 

Looking around the holding cell he notices that their 'ally' isn't with them, "Hey, where's Todd?" referring to the nickname John has given the Wraith.

 

"He escaped." John keeps leaning in his sexy repose.

 

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Rodney wonders aloud, "He'll come back for us. I mean, after all, we saved him."

 

"Something tells me we're on our own with this one." John answers with a lazy bedroom look.

 

"Something tells me it's not going to matter." Ronon is peering out of the cell at a group of approaching Wraith.

 

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* * *

 

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John and the others are taken to the Queen and presented to her. She glides over to John and uses her powerful mind control to make him kneel.

 

The Queen orders her men to search the area for a ship in orbit, then curls a finger around John's face, "In the meantime, I have a few questions that need to be answered. How were you able to find this place?"

 

Saying nothing, John's face shakes in concentration.

 

"I don't believe that I have ever encountered such resistance from a human before." The Queen seems stunned.

 

His face contorts and John spasms under her touch, "I've had a lot of... practice."

 

"Well," the Queen murmurs, "There is a simpler way."

 

John keeps his resolve. He is not afraid to die.

 

The Queen's voice takes on a cold fury at being denied access to his mind, "Tell me what I want to know."

 

She reaches her arm out toward Ronon and Rodney, "or I feed on one of your friends."

 

Of course. John's stomach drops. That would be the way to get to him. She must have sensed it while attempting to probe his mind. Tremors shake his body as John tries to keep himself from breaking. 

 

"As you wish." The Queen snarls.

 

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* * *

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Ronon looks over to Rodney. A Wraith is clenching his neck; he looks scared and vulnerable and Ronon is overcome by the instinctive desire to protect him. 

 

Despite being held in place by two Wraith guards, he struggles to step forward, "If you're hungry, I'm the one you're looking for."

 

But the Queen seems to know John's mind and reaches her hand out for Rodney instead, "This one."

 

"Oh great." Rodney winces, "My entire life, I've never been chosen first… Arggh" he cries out in pain as he is forced to the floor, finishing his final complaint, "and now fate decides to restore the balance."

 

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* * *

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John knows he'll break before he lets anything happen to Rodney. As long as John's still alive, he'll do anything to buy Rodney more time, anything to give him a chance to survive, however slim. He shouldn't let the mission be affected by his feelings for Rodney. That is the danger with having feelings. The fact that he can't just shut them off anymore is proof that his command has been compromised. Until this moment, he hadn't realized by just how much.

 

The Queen looks back knowingly to John, as if to say,  _'You're not about to let this happen are you'?_

 

Lunging toward her, John hopes he can provoke her into attacking him instead. But she doesn't take the bait. To show she is serious, she pulls her hand up dramatically to feed on Rodney. John bites his lip and then opens his mouth. He is about to say something to stop her, it's got to be something she'll believe, something to buy them time without putting Teyla and the others at risk. But before the sound escapes his lips, she fumbles and drops her hand, looking around the room as if confused.

 

The Queen isn't exerting her mind control anymore but John is still shaking. He still can't breathe. _'What can he say to keep her away from Rodney?'_

 

Inexplicably, the Queen suddenly orders them to be taken back to the cell.

 

Looking at Rodney in relief, John's body finally relaxes.

 

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.

 

When the three of them get back to the cell, they try to make sense of what just happened and why the hell they are still alive. Their discussion comes to an abrupt halt when the Wraith Queen appears, killing one of her own guards and opening the cell door.

 

She returns their weapons to them, saying. "It's me, John."

 

"Teyla." John stares in shock.

 

"Yes" the Queen/Teyla says weakly. She tells them to hurry, Teyla can't continue to exert control over the Queen's mind and body.

 

John quickly shoots the Queen; they still have to find those ZPM's and keep this super army from hatching.

 

But again the alarm goes off and they are barely able to shoot their way free to reach the Jumper. Once in range of the damaged Hive ship, Teyla comes over the coms to tell them they are being attacked. The failing vessel isn't going to be able to last long. There's only one option left to them now. Piloting the Jumper into the Hive ship, he tells Teyla to set a new course. 

 

From the safety of the cloaked Jumper, their Wraith ship makes the descent straight into the cloning facility and takes it out.

 

It seems 'Todd' made it out safely. Apparently he wasn't completely useless; he flew a Dart back to Teyla and the others and helped out a bit before disappearing.

 

"Well," Rodney looks wearily at John, "I think that should probably do the trick." referring to the fiery explosion below.

 

Feeling angry at himself for almost losing Rodney and angry about how close he came to losing control of his emotions earlier, all John can say is, "Let's get out of here."

 

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* * *

  
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.

 

They've only been back on Atlantis a few days when Ronon confronts John. He told himself he wouldn't, but he can't stop himself.

 

"When are you going to stop avoiding me?"

 

"What do you mean?" John gives him a blank look.

 

"Enough of this bullshit, just tell me what's going on."

 

"Right." John shifts his eyes away.

 

"I thought we were past this?" Ronon resists the urge to shake him.

 

"Obviously not." John's shoulders droop.

 

"So," Ronon treads carefully, "you still feel the same way…?"

 

"Worse." John closes his eyes.

 

"Worse?" Ronon scowls.

 

John rubs his brow then drops his hand in silent defeat.

 

"You gotta say something, do something. It can't be worse than this."

 

"Yes. It can be. " John looks at Ronon, his eyes clouded with pain, "Worse."

 

"What've you got to lose?" Ronon asks but he guesses he knows the answer already.

 

"I'm not what she wants, do you understand?" John's eyes flicker with something unreadable. He presses his lips together in a tight line before saying, "She wants to get married and… and I'm not her type."

 

"How can you not be her type if you guys used to be together?"

 

"It wasn't like that." John winces, "It was just something that happened."

 

Ronon hopes he isn't going too far, "So, it was a one time thing?"

 

It looks like John is struggling to figure out the right answer.

 

_'Come on. Just tell me the truth, John'._

 

"No, it was…" John's voice is low, "a couple of weeks… but I fucked it up, can't go back now."

 

In frustration, Ronon asks, "Why not?"

 

"I fucked it up, okay?" John gives a stoic glare.

 

"It can't be that bad if you guys are still friends." Ronon isn't quite buying it.

 

"Well, obviously not." John smiles bitterly, "But I don't want to lose what I still have."

 

"This isn't you, John" Ronon argues, "You aren't… I mean you don't look good… You aren't yourself."

 

"But this  _is_  me Ronon." John lifts his eyes defiantly, "That's the problem… Don't you think I'd change it if I could!?"

 

 _'Shit.'_  Ronon feels guilty. He hadn't meant to imply… "All I mean John, is that you should love whoever you want to love, but don't kill yourself over it. That's the part you need to do something about."

 

His face screwed up with emotion, John's voice cracks as he speaks, "I would change if I could."

 

This is the most honest John's been with him so far. It's a start.

 

"Well, maybe that's the problem." Ronon speaks carefully, "What if you… didn't try to change? If you just let yourself be. Maybe, that would bring you… some kind of peace."

 

"Yeah." John is pensive for a moment, "The problem with that is reality."

 

"It kinda seems like you're battling something inside yourself." Ronon gives John a long look, "Maybe more than what's on the outside... out there in reality... the real world or whatever."

 

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* * *

 

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John looks up at Ronon, surprised by the truth of what he is saying, "Yeah. You're right." He wonders how Ronon can sense that.

 

"Okay then," Ronon nods, "so then you've got to stop fighting yourself. Let go of the battle."

 

"Then I'll lose." John sighs wearily.

 

"Lose what?" Ronon asks.

 

 "Me. Or my..." John thinks about it, "my control. My... self, who I think I am or... I don't know. Maybe everything?"

 

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* * *

 

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Ronon struggles to find the right words, "Maybe it wouldn't really be losing. If your fighting yourself, you're fighting two battles. There's reality... but this thing with yourself... it's like an enemy that doesn't really exist. Maybe _that_ part, that part of it you could let go… see what's on the other side? Maybe it's not what you think it is."

 

The look on John's face is tortured, and Ronon tries to reassure him, "If you do let go, you won't lose everything. You'll still have me. Promise. No matter what's on the other side, even if..." He shrugs, "I dunno, if you became someone totally different, as far as you and me go, nothing would ever change."

 

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* * *

 

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The wind unexpectedly goes out of John's lungs as Ronon squeezes him in his gruff, affectionate way, clasping John into one of his burly hugs.

 

He wasn't expecting human contact and John's first instinct is to bolt. But he can't help but be affected by Ronon's genuine concern and lets himself sag into the embrace.

 

If Ronon really knew what John was talking about, he would hate him.

 

 _'Fuck.'_ If he doesn't leave now, John's afraid he's going to lose it and tear up. He pats Ronon's back in a way that lets him know he's ready to stop, with the hugging and all.

 

"Thanks." John chokes on the word and Ronon finally lets go. "I'll think about it," John mumbles on his way out, "what you said I mean. I just, ah, have to get going."

 

 _'The other side.'_ Ronon made it sound like it's an actual place. But the thought of letting go... it seems more like dissolving into nothing. Nothingness... and none of it makes sense. It's not like there's something tangible that he's trying to hold onto. It just feels like he's slipping into madness and there is nothing to break the fall.

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, before/ during/ after episode 12 "Spoils of War"  
> .


	11. In desperation John turns to Ronon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _With the developments in Rodney & Katie's relationship, John is completely coming apart; he's going to lose this mind keeping this terrible secret._  
> .

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.

 

Rodney's just called it quits on their video golf game but John thinks it's still early days, “Come on, dude, one more round.” 

 

“Nope, I can’t.” Rodney chirps.

 

Hoping to keep him in the lab a bit longer, John offers a compromise , “We don’t have to do 18. We can do 9, easy course, par 3.” 

 

“No.” Rodney is resolute, “Katie’s expecting me.” 

 

_'Katie again'_ John winces internally; he looks back to the screen and can't help hating this woman he barely knows. 

 

“Well, be late.” John is irreverant, “Women _like_ it when guys are late.” 

 

“No they don’t," Rodney refutes John’s bad humor, "and I can’t be late. Not for this lunch.” 

 

“Why’s that?” John wonders what's so important about this particular lunch.

 

“Can you keep a secret?” Rodney’s voice bubbles.

 

“No.” He doesn’t want to hear the details of some sordid sexual escapade with Katie. 

 

Undeterred, Rodney shimmies up to John with a giant smile on his face “Right.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out… 

 

_'Oh my God.'_ John feels cold and sick, like his chest is caving in all at once. Rodney is opening the kind of box that usually holds a ring.

 

His stomach lurches. It _is_ a ring. 

 

“I... I got this on my last trip to Earth.” Rodney beams.

 

He thinks back. That time Jeannie got kidnapped... that would be the last time Rodney was on Earth.

 

Has he really been planning it this long? Rodney hands him the box as if John will want a closer look; he tries to keep his hands steady as he holds it. Shit, he's going to have to say something. Rodney will be expecting words of encouragement. John presses his mouth together and bites hard on his lower lip to get rid of the tightness closing around his throat. 

 

“I feel it’s time that Katie and I move the relationship to the next level," Rodney is ebullient, "So..."

 

Letting go of his lower lip, John can't stop himself from making a crack, “Second base?” 

 

“No, marriage.” Rodney is completely serious.

 

“Really?” John's voice betrays his sheer disbelief.

 

This can't be happening. He knew Rodney wanted this, eventually. But he's too unprepared for this sudden loss. 

 

“Yes.” Rodney answers proudly.

 

“You?” Somehow John feels cold and hot at the same time; nauseas and heavy, like he's falling through the floor.

 

Rodney seems perplexed by John’s reaction. 

 

“Married?” John wrinkles his face in disgust.

 

“What, you don’t think I’m ready?” Rodney starts to sound unsure of himself, “You think I’m rushing things?” 

 

Opening his mouth, it feels too dry; John tries to find a way to say something nice, but only manages to sound defensive, “I didn’t say that.” 

 

“Well, I’m not.” Rodney tumbles over the words. Adding, “I’m not ready to set a date or anything, but…”  

 

John stares at the ring in horror. It is truly hideous; a very plain looking band with a tiny speckle in the middle. 

 

“Is this a diamond?” John wonders.

 

“Yeah,” Rodney sounds glad that John is finally taking notice, “it’s an eighth of a karat actually. Conflict free, and I got a good deal, actually.” 

 

“I’m sure you did.” John's voice comes out husky and sad.

 

Remembering that Rodney had been shopping for his sister’s car at the same time, John supposes that explains the lackluster ring. Somewhat. God, why is he still holding this wretched thing? He can’t stop himself from grimacing. 

 

“All right, so, here I go.” Rodney looks excited.

 

Closing the box to return it, John’s face contorts briefly in pain; fortunately Rodney doesn’t seem to notice as he tells him, “Well, I’ll buy you a beer later, and we can celebrate.”

 

John holds up an expression of congenial ambivalence, but his mask falters with the sudden sensation he's going to be sick. 

 

Luckily, Rodney is looking wistfully into the distance, doubting himself, “Yeah, or drown my sorrows, should she say no.” 

 

“No, no. None of that.” Turning to Rodney, John projects a degree of confidence despite the dull, lifeless cast to his eyes; as he says it, he already feels his brow weakening with fear.

 

Again, Rodney's attention has been lost in some kind of reverie. John uses the moment to wrestle control over his roiling emotions.

 

Forcing his eyebrows into a lift to conceal as much as he can, he urges Rodney, “Well, go get the girl.” 

 

Once Rodney walks out the door, John closes his eyes. Now that he's alone, he can finally release the mask of indifference; despair floods through him like a torrent as he squeezes his fingers around the keyboard, wanting to smash it to shards. But he can't, everything feels too heavy. He's sinking, sinking too deep. Nauseous, cold and shaking… 

 

This is it. Rodney is really leaving him. Even though Rodney has never really been his, but the hope that one day it might be different is gone forever now. 

 

Maybe he should resign. Atlantis is the only place that's ever really felt like home, but with Rodney getting married… nothing will be the same, he can't delude himself anymore. The ugly truth is a weight bearing down on his lungs, crushing him completely. 

 

Suddenly Teyla walks into the lab and John braces himself to hide his feelings once more. He isn't really listening to her, but what ever she is saying is soon interrupted by the sound of an alarm.  

 

As the door seals them in, John realizes it sounds an awful lot like the quarantine alarm

 

Glad that the keyboard is still intact, he types into the pad and determines that the quarantine alert is false. It looks like Atlantis has sealed almost everyone off in isolated sections of the city. 

 

“You know, if Rodney can’t get ahold of a computer, he’s not going to be able to shut it down.” 

 

“Perhaps Dr. Zelenka or Colonel Carter can do it.” Teyla suggests.

 

“Well, if they could’ve, they would’ve done it already." John is doubtful, given that they are likely sealed in as well, "They probably can’t get ahold of one either.” 

 

“Well, can anyone do it?” Teyla sounds concerned.

 

“They’d have to know Rodney’s password.” John explains, “Fortunately”, he adds, “I do.” 

 

“He told you his password?” Teyla looks at him wide-eyed.

 

“Well, he didn’t think I’d remember it.” John recalls, “Ah, 1, 6, 4, 3, 1, 8, 7, 9, 1, 9, 6, 8, 4, 2. 

 

“See?” He gains access, “Doesn’t take a genius.” 

 

“It doesn’t?” Teyla gapes at him.

 

“1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born, 1879, Einstein, and 1968-” 

 

“The year Rodney was born.” Teyla guesses.

 

“Never underestimate the size of that man’s ego.” John smiles.

 

“Wait, weren’t there other numbers?” she asks.

 

“42.” John replies offhandedly

 

“And what is that?” 

 

“It’s the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything.” He answers the obvious.

 

Giving him a bewildered look, Teyla doesn't inquire further and lets John work on the terminal.

 

He discovers that the city is broadcasting an automatic distress signal which could give away the location of Atlantis to the Wraith. It can only be turned off in the control room, and by someone with Rodney’s code. So, John decides the only option left to him is to attempt to climb the sheer building exterior to reach the upper level.

 

Teyla wonders aloud if such a thing is even possible.

 

Thinking of Rodney’s favorite superhero, he dismisses her concern, “Batman did it all the time. Piece of cake.” 

 

After scaling the impossible tower, John shuts off the beacon in the control room. But moments later, the city initiates a self-destruct; probably triggered by his breach of quarantine when he broke through the window. 

 

He makes his way with some of the others through the halls that aren't closed off to them. To do a manual shut down, they need to make it to the power room. Only they can’t get access all the way through. Then John remembers the control room operators told him they'd managed to re-open the ventilation shafts just before he accidentally triggered the auto-destruct. 

 

Zelenka volunteers to try to squeeze through the airshafts to access the power room. He's probably the only one of them that could make the fit, so they help him up and hope for the best.

 

After a short but tense wait, Zelenka gets the power off and reboots the system.

 

That's when John’s adrenaline finally powers down too. Everything is back to normal… and normal is bad.

 

Returning to his quarters, John paces, thinking about Rodney’s proposal and wondering if he's happy now. 

 

He tries a cold shower to stop the pounding in his head but it doesn’t help.  _‘Damn it Rodney, I wanted...’_

 

Everything is still spinning, falling. The emptiness so overwhelming it's suffocating him; he can't breathe, can't remember the last time he felt this alone, this scared. 

 

Maybe this is what a panic attack feels like. He can risk his life without breaking a sweat. But wanting Rodney, loving him and losing him,  John feel small and helpless. The nausea returns with a sudden wakes of shakes... Fuck. He is completely breaking down physically and emotionally. 

 

_'Shit.'_ He has nothing left to lose. John steadies himself and heads out to Ronon’s quarters. Ronon had said he wouldn’t stop being his friend no matter what happened. John can only hope that's really true. He's fucking losing it and there is no one else he can turn to. His hand shakes as he rings the chime. 

 

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* * *

 

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"Come in!" Ronon bellows.

 

He looks up and sees John stepping into the room. Something is wrong. Very wrong. By the look in John's eyes, Ronon thinks he knows what it is. Sitting up from his bed, Ronon gives John his full attention.

 

John walks in pacing and clenching his fists. He stalks over to the couch, grabs a pillow to his face and screams into it.

 

Ronon's never seen John like this, coming undone so completely. Usually he hides his feelings well.  

 

Dropping the pillow, John suddenly charges at the wall,  punching into it remorselessly; then his hand recoils in pain and John holds it back for a moment.

 

But then he is at it again. Not letting the pain stop him, John launches another attack at the wall.

 

 "Whoa, easy, easy." Ronon strides over to him.

 

Before Ronon has to restrain him, John collapses, slumping down against the wall as he stares at his red knuckles.

 

"I guess that was stupid."

 

"Yeah." Ronon's brow creases.

 

"I'm… You said…" John drops his face into his battered hands, "I didn't know where else to go." he croaks.

 

To show his solidarity, Ronon sits on the floor next him, "John, I told you, you could come to me… about anything."

 

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* * *

 

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“I… this isn’t… I can’t take...“ John tries to talk through his clenched throat, but he's too afraid. 

 

There is so much he's afraid of… So much he's never admitted to anyone.

 

Only Rodney knows he's... whatever he is. But he can't exactly tell Rodney his marriage sucks, that John can't stand his stupid dreams of domestic bliss because they don't include him.  

 

“I shouldn’t have come.” John tries to stand. This was a bad idea. He shouldn't have come here. He can't admit this to anyone, not even Ronon.

 

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* * *

 

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Placing a firm hand on his shoulder, Ronon pushes John back into place.

 

"Sit." He meets John's eyes and gives him a hard look, "Now talk."

 

A conflicting number of emotions seem to wash through John's face. Fear, anger, sadness, self-loathing.

 

"Please, talk?" Ronon softens his approach.

 

There is a look of unmistakable dread in John's eyes, as if he can't possibly say what he's thinking. His mouth hangs slack, but no words come, then his face crumples into an expression of grief.

 

Ronon knows, or thinks he knows, what this is about... and why John's afraid; he tries to think of something... something he can say that will make this easier, "I meant what I said John, nothing changes between you and me. I wish you'd trust me... I mean, I trust you and I'd like to think you could trust me too."

 

Mutely opening his mouth, John shakes his head as if Ronon is asking the impossible.

 

"I can try to help, but only if you talk to me." Ronon urges, "What you've been going through, you shouldn't be trying to do it alone."

 

"My problem… is not..." John squeezes his eyes together, keeping them shut while he tries to talk.

 

Waiting patiently, Ronon gives John some time to get the words out.

 

"I… the person I love… is a… is…" John's voice tenses, he lowers his head back into his hands in what looks like shame, "Sorry, can't."

 

"Come on," Ronon rumbles his voice in a low purr, "You're almost there, you can make it to the other side of this."

 

John's body shudders and he speaks into his hands, "Fine. The person I love is… it uh... uh, it's Rodney."

 

_'Finally.'_  Ronon exhales heavily.

 

Looking fearful and defensive, John whips his head back up to face Ronon.

 

"Yeah, I know. I mean I've just been waiting for you to tell me." Ronon explains cautiously

 

"What do you mean, you KNOW." John's eyes widen, "How? Is it because-"

 

"I only know 'cause I saw you holding McKay. He was crying when we were back in Scotland. And I could just tell... you know, that you really loved him."

 

"It's not because… Would you know if you hadn't seen us?" John looks cornered.

 

Projecting warmth from his eyes, Ronon shakes his head definitively in response.

 

"Wait, so…" John's expression keeps shifting, like he doesn't know how to interpret this new information, "This whole time?... You..."

 

Ronon nods.

 

"So," John looks confused, "you mean, you always knew what I was really talking about?"

 

Again he nods.

 

"We've been on missions together and…" John looks dumbfounded, "Then what you said about things not changing, you meant it?"

 

"Of course I did." Ronon answers low and soft.

 

"What you said…" John's astonishment becomes more emotional, "that's... that was a really nice thing to say." He lets his face fall back into his hands; but this time he seems more relieved than ashamed.

 

 "I meant it." Ronon reaches out a sturdy hand and grasps John's upper arm. "It's okay, buddy."

 

At first John flinches and lets out a stifled half-sob.

 

.  
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* * *

 

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John lifts his arm, the one Ronon is holding, flailing momentarily before reaching back and grasping his friend's in return.

 

Composing himself, he gives Ronon a few pats. He's grateful he managed not to break down completely and cry. Ronon’s acceptance was just so unexpected.

 

Letting go of Ronon’s arm, his friend does the same.

 

When he looks up again, Ronon is grinning easily at him, asking, “So, we can talk for real now?” 

 

“Sure,” John presses his lips together with a secretive nod, “we can talk for real. –But, Ronon you can’t ever tell anyone about this. Things would change for me. I'd lose my position here at Atlantis. With other people... it would be a problem.” 

 

“I'd never tell anyone but,” Ronon shakes his head angrily, ‘I just can’t understand why it is.” 

 

“Back where I come from,” John isn’t sure how to explain, “it’s kind of a big deal. In a bad way. You aren’t actually allowed to join the military if you have these kinds of feelings for another guy.” 

 

“On Sateda some of the best soldiers I served with had feelings for guys. I can’t figure out why people here would have a problem with that.” 

 

“Well, they do.” John looks at Ronon like he's lost his mind.

 

“No one could make me talk about it.” Ronon promises solemnly, “Not on pain of death.” 

 

“Guess you were right. It feels… better. Being able to tell someone the truth.” John is still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Ronon doesn’t hate him. 

 

Ronon smiles knowingly, like he's been waiting for this a long time.

 

“I mean," John continues, "I'm still pretty fucked up over the whole wedding thing.” 

 

“Wedding?” 

 

“Yeah, he’s getting married… to Katie” John says her name like it's dirty. “He pulled out the ring to show it off to me and... I guess, get my blessing.” 

 

"Ring?” Ronon is still not following.

 

“Back on Earth, it’s a tradition to give a ring when you ask someone to marry you.” John explains.

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

“Does he know how you feel?” Ronon frowns, thinking it sounds cruel of Rodney to taunt John this way. 

 

“No,” John shakes his head, “and I want to keep it that way. Look, there was a time when he may have felt something for me too... but I was... callus with him, pushed him away." John winces his eyes closed for a moment, "I mean, the way I rejected him, it was... I really regret how I acted. It's hard to explain everything that's happened, but I was careless... too often. I should have been sensitive with his feelings but...  

 

Over time Rodney pulled away and, ah, moved on. I don’t blame him. I _want_ him to be happy. I just hate it, because... I wish I had another chance to be the one making him happy. I'd be a better person now,” John sighs, “I think I would be.” 

 

Leaning back with his head against the wall, John exhales, “Wow. I can’t believe how good it feels to be able to tell someone about this. I’ve been going crazy.” 

 

“I know.” Ronon nods in ready agreement.

 

“You just think you know everything.” John smirks.

 

“Well, there’s something you don’t know.” Ronon gives him a sly smile.

 

“Oh yeah?” John asks playfully. “And what’s that?” 

 

“I almost, "Ronon fixes his gaze on John, "kissed Jennifer -Dr. Keller today.” 

 

“Almost?” John raises his eyebrows.

 

“Well, during the quarantine she and I were both stuck in the infirmary. At first, we weren’t getting along. Just... we’re kinda different.” Ronon chuckles, “When she told me she'd never met someone with such reckless aggression, I thought she was complimenting me. But I guess she wasn’t. Honestly, I used to think she was kind of annoying… but after spending some time with her," Ronon shrugs, "she's kind of endearing.” 

 

“That sounds familiar.” John laughs.

 

“Yeah. Guess I can see that.” Ronon thinks for minute, “Annoying at first but sexy underneath. There was this moment where Jennifer turned to me and said we should do something to pass the time...other than attack the doors." Ronon raises his brows at John," So, I thought she meant… you know? 

 

And it's been a long time really, since I've thought about someone... Not just sex, but like I could imagine having feelings for someone other than Allina that way.”

 

“Yeah.” John sounds like he understands.

 

“She actually kinda reminds me of Allina a little, and they’re both doctors. Allina was tough, but she had this real caring side. I arranged for her to leave Sateda safely but she chose to stay behind and tend to the wounded.”

 

“That’s what I like about Rodney, too.”

 

“What?" Ronon frowns in confusion, "that he’s a doctor?” He knows people refer to Rodney this way, even though he doesn't know anything about medicine; but still, it doesn't make sense to him that when people from Earth study something for a long time they get called 'doctors' too.

 

“No.” John's eyes get soft, “His kind and caring side. Well, I like his other sides too but-”

 

“McKay?” Ronon interrupts in disbelief at what he is hearing, “A kind and caring side?”

 

“Yeah. He’s not missing any…” John's mouth turns up in a fragile smile, "He‘s not… missing a heart. He’s the kindest, I mean, more than I’ve deserved. See, you just have to get through his bubble.”

 

“Don't think I've ever seen that side of him.”

 

“There's a lot to Rodney most people don’t get to see.”

 

“Hmm." Ronon imagines that's probably true about a lot of people, "Guess it’s easy to misjudge sometimes. Like, with Jennifer, I had her all wrong. When she first came to Atlantis, I didn't think she was strong enough, thought she was too easily frightened.

 

But when she and I were trapped in medical, she blew up this tank by sawing the top off... she challenged herself to do something dangerous even if it wasn't easy for her. Something about that is even more brave.” When Ronon sees the expression on John’s face he adds, “Yeah, I guess that sounds a little bit like Rodney too. He actually pushes himself pretty hard. Do you think it’s ‘cause of you?” 

 

John makes a dismissive face.

 

“Well, before you picked him to be on the team, was he running around with a gun and risking his life all the time?” Ronon wonders.

 

“Probably not.” John shrugs.

 

“I’m not sure,” Ronon leans forward, “but I just, I think he might love you too.”

 

“I know he doesn’t,” John’s face twists up in pain, “and I know him better than you. So, let’s not go there. Tell me more about Jennifer, tell me more about this ‘almost kiss'.”

 

“Well,” Ronon gets a glint in his eye as he remembers, "first she put her head on my shoulder, I leaned in to smell her hair. She looked up at me with those huge eyes... and then we both pulled in for the kiss. We both wanted it so bad, I could feel it…

 

"Ahhh, I was this close” Ronon holds his fingers a sliver apart. “And then the quarantine lifted and we never got there.”

 

“Well,” John smiles “maybe you still _can_.”

 

“Yeah, maybe. I dunno.” Ronon grins back, “There’s something about her. She’s special. I mean she’s really, really smart. She told me she had a hard time missing out on a personal life, 'cause she advanced so fast in school, skipping grades and stuff. And I felt bad, realizing she's felt like such an outsider all this time. I wished I'd done more to make her feel welcome when she came to Atlantis.”

 

After a moment, John speaks up again, “She and Rodney sound a lot alike, actually. The whole skipping grades thing, not knowing how to fit in with people and feeling left out. They have that in common.”

 

“Maybe it's because they're so opposite from us, maybe that's part of what draws us in?"

 

A shrug is his only reply, but at least John's spirits seemed to have lifted; Ronon thinks getting him something to eat might do him good, "You know?... Maybe we should grab some dinner.”

 

.  
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* * *

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.

 

“Yeah.” John realizes that he's feeling immensely better and is pretty hungry right about now, “We totally should.” 

 

Down in the cafeteria, he and Ronon laugh about all the weird stories of the day, like Colonel Carter being stuck in that elevator with Zelenka for hours.

 

“Did you hear?" Ronon asks with amusement, "McKay thought it was a real outbreak. He even started getting sick, thought he was-“ Ronon stops talking and lifts his feet off the nearby chair as he notices Jennifer approaching their table. 

 

John realizes she's never tried to join them for a meal before. Maybe Ronon isn't so far off from making that 'almost kiss' happen.

 

“Hi” Jennifer speaks meekly, “You mind if I join you?”

 

John points to the chair recently emptied by Ronon’s feet. “Sure. Go Ahead.”

 

He gives Ronon a knowing look and lifts his eyebrows speculatively. 

 

“What?” Ronon challenges John with a look that says _'Shut up'_

 

“Nothing” John feigns innocence.

 

Ronon makes a surly face at him, but John knows everything is right between them .

 

He feels so much lighter with the weight of the secret gone and it's a relief to feel like it's no longer a wedge driving the two of them apart. He doesn’t feel quite so alone now, not with Ronon on his side.

  
.  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 4, episode 13 "Quarantine"  
> .


	12. Sometimes he makes me cry too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _While on a mission with Rodney, John begins to hope that the idea of them being together again isn't quite as impossible as he thought._  
> .

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.

 

John is more than a little confused when Rodney begs to join him on a routine trading mission to Larros, saying how much he's missed the attractive women there. As the two of them get geared up and head to a Jumper, he shrugs it off; Rodney must just be getting cold feet about the wedding.

 

But then on the ride there, it all comes out. Rodney begins to explain that he and Katie are taking an 'unspecified break'. John is stunned as he listens to the story. Apparently, before the quarantine hit, Rodney went so far as to get the ring out and tell Katie he was planning to propose. And then he chickened out completely.

 

Sounds like the death knell for any relationship to him. He doesn't want to get his hopes up too much; he knows Rodney wants to be with a woman, obviously. But there might just be the slimmest chance in hell now... and he can't help but feel a little excited.

 

Rodney is morose, blaming himself and his inadequacies. He tells John that he was deluding himself, thinking he was good enough for her. He says he has too many flaws and Katie would have eventually seen through him.

 

"I mean, maybe you were right." Rodney's mouth twists into a frown on one side, "Maybe I was rushing things."

 

John clears his throat, "I don't think I actually said-"

 

"I –I just don't think I'm prepared to be the kind of person Katie needs me to be. I'd just make her miserable by failing to live up to what she wants from me."

 

"Why do you need to be someone different?" John tries to sound calm but is feeling more elated by the minute.

 

"Well, on occasion I can be negative-"

 

"What, 'cause you're grumpy and pessimistic? Doesn't seem that bad."

 

"And demanding, and a tad arrogant. Let's face it, I'm a failure as a human being and I haven't come far enough-"

 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Failure? I don't know Rodney. I think you are kind of… perfect the way you are. Maybe you'd be better off being with someone who appreciates that."

 

"Easier said than done." Rodney sighs dramatically. "Ah, well. At least I still have Larros. You know, this is my favorite planet to visit. All those lovely ladies of the court, the Princesses with their ample bosoms."

 

"Ample bosoms?" John smirks.

 

"Please, don't pretend you haven't noticed. Why else would you volunteer to come here for every visit?"

 

"Well, I am the military command-"

 

"Whatever." Rodney waves his hand dismissively, then breaks into a sudden fit of laughter. "Oh. I was remembering the first time we all came here-"

 

"And you got drunk off your face?" John prompts. Rodney isn't known for holding his liquor.

 

"Not drunk, more- Um, yeah, okay a bit drunk. Actually, you know it's a good thing we were all sitting down at that banquet table because, if I'd had to stand up," Rodney gives John a guilty look. "Well, it might have reflected poorly on our diplomatic mission, if you know what I mean."

 

"No, I don't. What do you mean?" John grimaces at Rodney, "Is this another one of your bedwetting stories?"

 

"Wha-? NO! That happened one ti- I mean, that _never_ happened." Rodney straightens up in his seat, "I was talking about a perfectly natural reaction to a roomful of beautiful women."

 

"McKaaaay" John makes a face of distaste, "Am I going to regret letting you come?"

 

"Of course not", Rodney replies in a dignified tone, "I am nothing, if not professional."

 

"Just promise me you'll keep it in your... –just behave yourself, okay?"

 

Rodney gives a taunting look and moves his head from side to side as if considering the prospect; then he smiles playfully, "No promises."

 

.  
.

 

After a lengthy visit with the very lovely Princesses, they all make a toast to their renewed trading agreement. John has been keeping a close eye on Rodney's alcohol consumption. Rodney has downed a few glasses of wine already and his face is heavily flushed.

 

"My favorite missions are when we come here to do our trading." Rodney confesses to the women, "And I've said that, I can prove it. I'm not just saying-"

 

"You don't need to prove it." John cuts him off quickly, "Ah, you know, actually we got to be going."

 

The comely princesses seem disappointed. "So soon?" Princess Mardola asks.

 

"Yeah, so soon?" Rodney echoes the sentiment, taking another gulp of wine.

 

"We were hoping you could stay." Princess Flora says coyly.

 

Rodney's eyes widen in expectation.

 

"Well, I," John falters, "I guess we could stay a little longer."

 

It becomes clear that the women have an ulterior motive, but they skirt around the issue.

 

"What's the problem?" John finally asks.

 

"Our sister." Princess Flora tells them. "She is in great need of your help."

 

"I didn't even know you gals had a sister." Rodney points at the two women merrily.

 

"We do indeed." Flora smiles.

 

Tipping his wine glass at them, Rodney speculates, "And I imagine she's just as beautiful as you two."

 

"Even more so." Flora adds a dramatic pause, "And she is in great need of guidance."

 

"Guidance." Rodney jumps in, "That I can do."

 

"You are most generous." Flora looks relieved, "Excuse us for one moment. I'll go get her."

 

Rodney leans over to John, "Dibs."

 

"What?" John turns his attention from the woman leaving the chamber and back to Rodney.

 

"I'm calling dibs on the 3rd sister."

 

"You can't call dibs." John makes a face of annoyance at the thought of Rodney already interested in someone else that isn't him.

 

"Look," Rodney gestures with his wine glass, "we both know that Flora and Mardola have been suckered in by the whole cliché-heroic thing you've got going, but, ah, maybe this other sister, ah, maybe her taste in men will run more to the, ah-"

 

"Geeky?" John suggests.

 

"I was going to say 'cerebral', but, um, who knows, maybe we'll hit it off." Rodney takes another sip of wine.

 

"I don't need your love life screwing up our trade relations." John tells him with growing frustration.

 

Rodney is cheeky, "I'll try not to break her heart but no promises." 

 

Footsteps approach and Rodney guzzles most of his remaining wine, setting the glass on the banquet table. The sisters walk in with a prepubescent girl who they introduce as Harmony.

 

Sounding suddenly more sober, Rodney tells John sarcastically, "Super."

 

John smirks; at least he doesn't have to worry about losing Rodney to this Princess.

 

The story comes out that Flora and Mardola want them to help escort Harmony on a rite of passage in order for her to ascend to the throne. She must make a journey deep into the forest to the site of some ruins. The sisters worry that the trail will be difficult; they want Harmony to have an escort but they don't want their own people to find out about it.

 

Although John tries to politely refuse, Flora pressures them by subtly threatening the trade agreement. Atlantis needs the food, so John relents and they soon head out with the young Princess into the wild.

 

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* * *

 

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Rodney is in a foul mood. Drinking all that wine earlier didn't help; the hangover is setting in already. And that little Princess has turned out to be a real brat. Rodney trudges behind the two of them, sick of hearing her compliment John and condescend to him. His stomach is growling for some real food.

 

"You gonna eat your powerbar?" he asks John

 

"Yes, Rodney. I told you, you shouldn't have eaten yours so early in the day."

 

"I'm starving." Rodney complains. "Usually Flora feeds us some kind of food when we visit… Come on, you hardly ever eat yours."

 

"No, Rodney."

 

"Well, will you give it to me later when you decide not to eat it?"

 

"You allow him to question you so incessantly?" Harmony asks John.

 

"I guess I'm just used to it by now." John tells her.

 

"Would it not be easier to beat him?" she reasons like a true tyrant in the making.

 

"We don't beat people where I come from." Rodney corrects her.

 

"Why not?" 

 

"Well," John tells her, "we find it's not very effective in the long run… Unfortunately."

 

"Really?" Harmony marvels at him, "You are a truly gentle leader, John. I admire that."

 

Before long they reach a dead end in the trail, giving way to a ravine. John asks Harmony about the age of the map and she says it has been handed down from many generations.

 

"Okay, guess that bridge doesn't exist." John stuffs the map back into his vest, "You two stay put. I'm going to try to find a safe way across the river."

 

He sets his backpack down on a log near Rodney, telling him he'll be right back.

 

Rodney fidgets uneasily, he doesn't really want to talk to the kid so he ambles away from her and sits on a log nearby. When next he looks up Harmony is munching on a Powerbar.

 

"Where'd you find that?" Rodney asks suspiciously.

 

"John's bag." She mumbles with a mouthful and joins Rodney on his log.

 

"You- It's not yours."

 

"I'm hungry." She takes another bite.

 

"Well, you can't just take it like that."

 

"When I'm hungry, I eat." She gives Rodney a dark look.

 

"What's going to happen when Sheppard finds out?"

 

"Well", She eyes Rodney, "he's not going to now, is he?"

 

"Oh, yes, he is, because I'm going to tell him."

 

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Harmony threatens. 

 

"Yeah, or what?"

 

"I'm the Queen."

 

"Not yet, you're not little sister."

 

"Trust me," Harmony continues eating the powerbar, "you don't want to be on my bad side."

 

"Right? And what are you going to do? You going to have me beaten?" Rodney stands up, "All right, Princess, just hand it over."

 

She takes a last bite and hands Rodney the empty wrapper.

 

"Oh." Rodney tells her, "See, now, you're in trouble. You just wait till Sheppard gets back here, 'cause he's gonna-"

 

John's voice interrupts, "I think I found a place for us to, uh… Is that my Powerbar?" He stares at the wrapper in Rodney's hand.

 

"She stole it." Rodney points to the Princess.

 

"I did not!" Harmony stands up in outrage.

 

"Oh, what? You so did! Tell him!"

 

She looks at John innocently, "I would never do such a thing!"

 

Rodney points, "The second you were gone, she went into your bag."

 

"You are a liar! You are a lying liar!" She protests.

 

"Oh, please, who are you going to believe?" Rodney lifts his hands towards John.

 

"Well, if she stole it, Rodney, how come you got the wrapper?"

 

"Well, I…" Rodney sputters, "I was trying to take it back from her, and then she wolfs it down and hands me the wrapper."

 

"Really?" John sounds unconvinced.

 

"Okay, you better come clean, brat." Rodney snaps.

 

She wrinkles up her face pretending to be hurt, and fake sobs into her hands for moment. Then she lifts out her arms towards John for a hug.

 

John falls for the whole routine, telling her, "It's okay sweetie. Sometimes he makes me cry too."

 

The little brat continues to make crying sounds but gives Rodney the sign of a knife going over the throat when John isn't looking. This is so unfair.

 

.

.

 

As they continue, their simple journey takes a menacing turn. Not only did Harmony neglect to mention that there is some kind of 'beast' lurking in the forest, but it seems they are being hunted by Genii soldiers as well. John finds them a place to take cover for a while and they wait it out until dark, planning to head back to the castle.

 

Believing she will forfeit the crown without completing her ritual, Harmony demands they continue to the ruins.

 

Privately, Rodney discusses the situation with John, suggesting perhaps they should just stun her and carry her back. John seems to consider it for a minute. But then says he thinks she understands the danger. Apparently, 'he talked to her' about it.

 

"I'm sure you did," Rodney gives a dismissive face, "but she's 13, she's unreasonable, among with many other awful attributes."

 

"You know," John remarks, "they say you dislike the things in others that you in fact dislike about yourself."

 

"So what?" Rodney rolls his eyes. 

 

"I'm just saying."

 

"We are nothing alike." Rodney argues.

 

"Okay."

 

"She is a stuck-up know-it-all brat." Rodney stops after hearing himself say the words. _'Okay, maybe not so different.'_

 

John shrugs at him playfully.

 

"Oh, ha, ha, ha." Rodney glares.

 

"Okay it is about as dark as it's going to get." John moves back under the foliage, "Let's wake her up and get moving."

 

But Harmony has disappeared. They have to comb the dark woods for over an hour looking for her. John seems to get as irritated as Rodney now and tells him to stop complaining.

 

"Sorry, I'm hungry, and when I'm hungry, I get cranky." Rodney pouts.

 

"And when you get cranky, you get hit."

 

"Okay, okay." Rodney relents.

 

"I wish Ronon was here." John adds.

 

"You know, you said that out loud, right?" Rodney feels more hurt than he would like to admit, "I mean, I'm right here."

 

"Well, it's nothing personal." John tells him, "It's just he's a better tracker than both of us combined.

 

Rodney has to admit it's true and tells himself John doesn't actually prefer Ronon to him.

 

Finally they find the brat by the smell of her cooking. John is downright angry now. Not only has she wandered off alone but the food could have easily attracted the beast or Genii soldiers -who by the way almost caught them twice while they were out looking for her. Famished, Rodney isn't above partaking in some of the roasted bird. John wants them to head out of the cave right away but the strange whirring sound of the 'beast' makes him relent long enough for Rodney to take some nourishment.

 

A short time later, they hear the sound of gunfire and people screaming.

 

John insists on going to scout; he turns to Harmony, "All right, be a brave girl and stay here with McKay."

 

"Hey, hey, hey!" Rodney objects, "How come I always get stuck being the babysitter?"

 

"You want to check out the beast?" John asks.

 

"No, I'm good here." Rodney decides.

 

"Thought so." John replies dryly, "Stay here."

 

Rodney crouches down next to Harmony with his gun ready.

 

They sit in silence for a while and then she asks, "You're a Doctor, right?"

 

"Yes. Yes… I mean, I'm not a medical Doctor…"

 

"So you're a liar?" She accuses.

 

"No, I'm a…" His voice gets shrill; Rodney sighs and asks more calmly, "What do you want?"

 

"What does love feel like?" Harmony inquires.

 

"Oh. Boy." Rodney had a feeling she was a little too taken with John.

 

She continues dreamily, "'Cause I think I'm in love with John." 

 

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last." Rodney rolls his eyes.

 

"What does that mean?"

 

"It means that a lot of people," -' _Rodney leaves out the fact that he is among them'-_ , "particularly alien women, tend to fall for John Sheppard's good looks and charm."

 

"Not like me they don't" Harmony shakes her head.

 

"He's a bit old for you, don't you think?"

 

"I hadn't considered it." She replies thoughtfully.

 

"Yeah," Rodney tells her, "well, he will, so don't get your hopes up." Rodney knows far too well the heartbreak of getting one's hopes up about John Sheppard; he might not ever get over him, but Rodney can't let himself get lost in unrealistic fantasies again.

 

"You're not going to try to influence him, are you?" Harmony frowns at Rodney.

 

"I won't need to. Trust me."

 

The girl sounds a bit hurt, "You don't like me very much, do you?"

 

"No, that's not true." Rodney tries to be diplomatic, "I… I don't NOT like you."

 

"What does that mean?"

 

"It means that you have a very annoying attitude, but I'm willing to cut you some slack because you're still just a child."

 

"Whereas if I were grown up, my annoying attitude would be less excusable?" Harmony's tone is taunting.

 

"That's right. An adult would, uh…" He looks at her abruptly, "Hey, _I_ don't have an attitude problem."

 

"And I don't NOT like you." Harmony tilts her head at him.

 

Reflecting for a moment, he finds her statement somewhat agreeable, "Well, that's sweet of you to say."

 

"So you promise not to get between John and me?"

 

"I promise…" Rodney bobs his head, "I'll give you this, you're a lot more mature than the women he usually falls for."

 

Rodney reminds himself, John doesn't really fall for anyone; he prefers casual hook-ups with hot alien girls… Like the ones on Mackenzie's planet. John doesn't do relationships. Rodney has to keep reminding himself of that or he's sure to get tangled up again in heartache over what he can never have.  _'Don't go there McKay.'_

 

When John finally makes it back, Rodney acts short-tempered to cover the anxiety he was feeling that something might have happened to John; and maybe a little to cover the feelings that his conversation about the futility of being in love with John has stirred up.

 

John tells them that the beast has torn some soldiers to shreds, he had to lay low for a while to avoid detection, adding "whatever that beast thing is, it's lethal."

 

"I could have told you that." Harmony chirps.

 

"Yeah." John grunts, "Also, the Genii have shoot-to-kill orders for all of us."

 

"Oh, super." Rodney groans.

 

.

.

 

Because the ruins are now much closer than the castle, they decide to take temporary shelter there. It is nearly day break as they approach; They take cover from a vantage point, stunning a couple of Genii guards before making their way down.

 

Rodney is fascinated to see consoles of Ancient design, he realizes he's seen these schematics in the Ancient database. It's a testing ground for weapons, the development of the Ancient drones; in this case, mini-drones.

 

Harmony is immensely distressed that her pendant isn't glowing when she holds it up to the central pillar, since apparently it has something to do with her worthiness to be Queen.

 

John points to Harmony, "So the pendant is…"

 

"Probably some sort of pass key." Rodney speculates, realizing that more than just the Ancient gene must be needed to activate and control the drones.

 

"Yes, yes, yes, of course!" he continues to think it through, "It's in auto-protect mode! They're trolling the forest, taking out anybody without the gene. That's why they stayed clear of us and went straight for the Genii. The royal pain here must have it, as well."

 

Only the machine isn't working anymore.  Genii guards must have messed with the control crystals. And now the radios from the unconscious Genii buzz with activity, making it clear that the three of them are boxed in from all directions. They are totally screwed.

 

John takes Harmony to a defensive position behind some fallen stones. While Rodney, exposed and out in the open, continues to try to find he right crystal configuration to get the machines 'beasts' working again.

 

Finally, just as Rodney finds the right settings, he hears John yelling, "Harm- Harmony! What did I just say?"

 

Gunfire whizzes past her as she runs back toward the pillar and Rodney ducks reflexively. Lunging forward, he takes Harmony down with him. While John returns fire, Rodney pulls Harmony safely back to cover with John.

 

The soldiers shout at them to give themselves up, reminding them that they have unlimited men while John and Rodney will soon run out of ammunition.

 

"Never!" Harmony bellows defiantly, "They would rather die than deal with the like of you savages. When my sisters hear of this, the Genii will be finished! Finished, do you hear?"

 

"How do you think we knew how to find you, little one?" a soldier replies.

 

"You lie!" Harmony yells, "Come at us with all you have, I shall silence you once and for all!"

 

John is able to get her to stop screaming for minute while they try to come up with a plan. Rodney estimates there is about a 50-50 chance the machine is still operational after all that gunfire.

 

"Provide me cover." Harmony commands John, "I'll make it to the pedestal, summon the beast, and smite them."

 

"There'll be no smiting today, little lady", John tells her in exasperation, "you've never even used that thing before."

 

"But I am the Queen, and the beast is my protector."

 

"It's a little more complicated than that." John tells her. He looks back at Rodney, "You say anyone with the Ancient gene can activate it?"

 

"Yeah, as long as they're wearing the pendant." He sees where John is going with this.

 

Harmony obviously doesn't. "Exactly." She agrees with John emphatically.

 

"50-50, huh?" John considers.

 

"100% chance they'll kill us if we don't or if we talk about it for much longer." Rodney shrugs.

 

John sighs and looks at Rodney's gun, "You got a full mag there?"

 

"Locked and loaded."

 

"On 3?" John prompts.

 

"Okay." Rodney nods. 

 

"Yes. Excellent." Harmony murmurs.

 

"1… 2… 3." John reaches up and grabs the pendant from Harmony's neck, running down to the pedestal.

 

Throwing out cover fire, Rodney tries to keep the Genii from hitting John.

 

So far, so good.

 

The yellow lights of the mini-drones start to buzz around John's head and the Genii begin retreating. Those that are still alive, anyway.

 

Rodney runs down to John, "You all right?"

 

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. You?"

 

"Sure, sure." Rodney scans the ridge for any Genii that may still be lurking.

 

Harmony joins them, "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen."

 

"You're young." John makes a dismissive face, "I'm sure you'll meet even braver men than me as you get older."

 

"Not you, usurper!" Harmony snatches her pendant back from him, "You're lucky I like you, or you would be hung for treason!"

 

"But you." She turns to Rodney, "You saved my life."

 

"I did?" Rodney is confused.

 

"When the Genii started firing at me, you threw yourself on me, using your own body as a shield." Harmony smiles at him sweetly.

 

"Oh, no." Rodney doesn't want her to get the wrong idea here, "No-no-no. I tripped and fell on top of you, It was an accident."

 

"And then," Harmony continues, "You pulled me to safety. …You don't NOT like me. You LIKE me!"

 

_'Oh God, how did this reversal happen?'_  Rodney shakes his head, "No. No, no." He looks to John for help, "No-no, um, no."

 

John looks thoroughly amused as Harmony shouts gleefully to Rodney, "Yes! You saved my life and restored the ruins. You are a hero, Dr. McKay, both to me and my people."

 

"Well, I don't know about 'hero'," Rodney smirks at John to taunt him, "exceptionally courageous, perhaps…"

 

"And modest, too." Harmony demurs.

 

"It's time to go before the Genii come back." John frowns.

 

"I doubt it." Harmony casts her disapproving gaze on John, "They are a simple people, and they were most impressed by your actions. I, however, was not."

 

She places her hand on the pillar, "The pendant still glows. The gods have deemed me worthy… NOW, we can go."

 

When they return to the castle, Mardola, the treasonous sister who hired the Genii is imprisoned. And Harmony invites them both to return for the Royal coronation in a couple weeks. 

 

.  
.

 

On the Jumper ride back, Rodney tells John, "Um, for the record, I just wanted to say that, uh, I did not eat your powerbar."

 

"Really?"

 

"Really! … Why don't you believe me. I wasn't-"

 

John laughs, "You're just too easy Rodney… 'Course I believe you. And ah, just for the record and all…

 

Well, when it comes to stuck-up know-it-all brats, some people do find them kind of endearing." he gives Rodney a warm smile, "–not that _you_ are one of them. Just sayin'…"

 

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

 

"Take it how you want." John shrugs ambivalently.

 

"Okay" Rodney smiles in amusement, "Well, as long as we're clearing the air here, um… How exactly, do I make you cry?"

 

"Quit while you're ahead, Rodney."

 

"Got it."

 

.  
.

 

The next couple weeks feel like old times to Rodney. Just he and John hanging out, playing video golf, chess, and watching movies; lounging all hours in his quarters. 

 

With Katie out of the picture, John has even started to spend some late nights on Rodney's couch again. The way they banter and tease feels like a familiar dance they do to get close. Not that it will ever be as close as Rodney wants it to be, but it feels good being with John like this.

 

When the two of them revisit Larros for Harmony's royal coronation, she singles them both out in the crowded throne room, "Dr. Rodney McKay and Colonel John Sheppard, your contribution to my people may never be repaid."

 

"Well, we didn't do it for the compensation, your Highness." John smiles.

 

"Kiss-ass." Rodney hisses at him.

 

Harmony continues, "I personally owe you a debt of gratitude for your help in defeating the regicidal Genii. I've had one of the court's finest artisans feature you in a rendering of our glorious victory."

 

When the cloth is pulled away, Rodney stifles a laugh. It's the funniest thing he's seen in a long time. In the foreground, he is portrayed in heroic glory, firing his weapon like a hardened soldier and protecting a serene looking Harmony. Behind the Princess, John cowers in the background with a look of sheer terror on his face, his hands splayed outward in a display of helpless surrender as he tries to protect himself.

 

"Yeah, pretty much how I remember it." Rodney gloats, clapping along with the rest of the crowd.

 

John gives Rodney a sideways look of displeasure but keeps his composure. As the festivities die down, John leaves and heads back to the Jumper. But Rodney stays a while longer and requests permission to take a photo of the lovely portrait, so that he may always treasure their time together.

 

As soon as Rodney gets back, he sends out an email to everyone on base except John. The heading reads 'Sheppard's heroics immortalized for all time.' And of course it includes the photo of the painting.

 

.  
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* * *

 

.  
.

 

For a day or two, John has noticed something is afoot. People are watching him; people he barely knows are smiling and waving their hands in a peculiar way. As he approaches the dinner table, Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney are all laughing heartily and giving each other conspiratorial looks.

 

"All right. What's up?" He demands.

 

"Oh, nothing." Ronon chuckles, "Heard the coronation went well."

 

"Sure." John waits for more.

 

Teyla lifts her eyebrows and hands John a tablet with an image of the painting.

 

"McKay." John groans.

 

"You're just too easy, John." Rodney seems very pleased with himself.

 

Ronon laughs and points at the screen, "I just love that look. You know, the look of terror you get on every mission. Luckily, McKay's always there, out in front, with his gun."

 

"I'll get you for this McKay." John warns lightheartedly, "You know I will."

 

"Maybe," Rodney beams, "but not today."

 

The following night John is doing a little tidying up around Rodney's room, as he sometimes does when he spends the night. But Rodney stops him, complaining that he can't ever find anything when John does that.

 

"It's all still there." John points to the neatly arranged piles, "Just cleaner."

 

"You actually think you're being helpful, don't you?" Rodney glares.

 

_'How could cleaning not be helpful?'_  John shrugs as Rodney launches into a long-winded explanation of how everything has a perfect order in the chaos. Apparently Rodney knows exactly where everything is and wants it to stay that way.

 

That's when John gets the perfect idea for revenge. He starts out in Rodney's room, switching drives and pieces of electronic equipment with each other, but then it progresses to clothing and everything else he can find, even snacks. The goal is not to move something so much as to switch places, to throw Rodney off balance.

 

After that, it gets a little out of hand; he recruits Zelenka and some of the other science staff to help him switch things out in the lab. Keeping a close eye on the developments, John makes sure to switch anything that has been moved back.

 

The prank goes on for almost a week, before Rodney complains to him, "You know, lately it feels like I'm losing my mind. And it's weird, like all of the sudden, I just-"

 

John presses his lips together to contain a laugh, but it comes out like a snort.

 

"Wha- Wait, what are you…" Rodney whips his head around, "Oh. I see. This is your doing is it?"

 

"I have no idea what you're talking about." John lies but can't contain his grin.

 

"Ha, ha. You got me. Now just leave my stuff alone."

 

"No promises." John smiles playfully. With Katie out of the picture he plans to spend as much time in Rodney's room as possible. And who knows, maybe now there is the smallest chance that things between them might develop into something more.

.  
.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, before/ during/ after episode 14 "Harmony"  
> .


	13. It was a mistake coming back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Headed back to Earth for the funeral, John refuses to think of it as 'home'. There never was such a place; whatever it was, he's been running away from it for the last 20 years._  
> .

.

.

"I watched it last night." Ronon is complaining to him, "There was hardly any fighting."

 

"That's because it's not about fighting." John loves how puzzled Ronon is over this movie.

 

"Then why's it called 'Blades of Glory'?" 

 

"Cause it's about skate blades." John manages to keep a straight face.

 

"And this is a real sport? Men and women dancing around on ice?"

 

"Unfortunately."

 

"You're planet's weird."

 

"Mmm," John admits, "you can say that again."

 

"Colonel." Sam stops the two of them in the hall with a serious expression, "I was just coming to see you. Do you have a minute?" 

 

"Yeah, sure." John wonders what's gone wrong now.

 

"I received a message from Stargate Command." She tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

 

"Okay." John braces himself.

 

"Your father suffered a heart attack last night. I'm sorry, John," Sam looks at him compassionately, "but he passed away."

 

John's face goes cold as he gazes to the floor. He feels frozen, numb… nothing. 

 

Should he be surprised that word was sent to him at all? It obviously means Dave expects him to come back for the funeral. 

 

Maybe seeing the old man off will put some of the past to rest, give him closure... Probably not. It's been too late for a long time now. But somehow, going back, it feels like something John's obliged to do anyway. 

 

Facing his past isn't going to be easy, it will be best to handle this alone and get it over with as soon as possible. John sends Ronon away and dispassionately heads back to his quarters. 

 

.

. 

 

With a slow detachment, John lays his clothes out neatly on the bed, preparing everything he'll need for the trip. It isn't much. He methodically begins to pack them into his duffel bag, the motions feel mechanical.

 

Shouldn't he be feeling something? Dread, relief, anger... anything?

 

Rodney bursts into the room out of breath, interrupting his solitude. 

 

"Hey. I, uh, heard what happened. I'm very sorry."

 

Pressing his lips together stoically, John utters a small. "Thanks." His voice comes out rough and low, almost a whisper.

 

He doesn't want to involve Rodney in this; he'd been hoping to leave before he found out. To get this over with as fast as possible, he finds himself stuffing his neatly arranged clothes quickly into the bag. 

 

"You okay?" Rodney walks over to the bed.

 

"Yeah. I'm fine." John straightens his posture and zips the packed bag, indicating he's done and ready for Rodney to leave.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney sees John smile, one of those empty grins he pastes over his face when he's out of reach. John looks like he's uncomfortable and trying to find something to do; he unzips the bag looking inside at nothing in particular. 

 

"You know, I requested to go back with you, but the Ancient device on M7G-677 is malfunctioning." Rodney can't believe John didn't even bother to tell him, he'd heard the news from Ronon; he needs John to understand that he would have come with him if he'd known, especially after the way John was there for him when Carson died. 

 

Even though John didn't ask.

 

"Isn't that the planet with all the kids?" John zips his bag closed again.

 

"Yeah." Rodney should have insisted Zelenka be the one to go on the mission, he'd begged Sam to let him go back to Earth; and now, John is all packed and ready to go, leaving him powerless to do anything to help.

 

"That should be fun for you." John replies with that empty look on his face. 

 

Rodney feels a pang of guilt, "Oh, believe me, I'd get out of it if I could, but ah, without the EM field they're an easy target for the Wraith."

 

John tosses his bag roughly to the floor.

 

"I guess it's just bad timing." Rodney stumbles on awkwardly.

 

"Ah, don't worry about it." John sounds like he's trying to convince Rodney; but the cold resolve on his face starts to waver, he abruptly looks away and stares at the floor.

 

_'Why can't he think of anything to say?'_ He's letting John down and he knows it, "If you want to, you know, talk or…"

 

"Rodney." John is looking through him again, trying to hide his emotion but his voice betrays him.

 

There is so much in that one word he can't even process it all. He wonders how it is that John can do that? To simply utter Rodney's name but say a thousand different things depending on the inflection. This time, the thousand things are all jumbled together.

 

"I'm fine." John takes a breath and brings his voice back to a deceptive lull; he lowers his head into a meaningful gaze that is meant to assure Rodney that everything will be okay.

 

"Right." Rodney knows better.

  

Wanting to reach out somehow, he feels so helpless. He can't stop staring at John, hoping for an opening to do something, say something... more. Failing to find one, he lowers his head in defeat.

 

There's a lump in his throat and Rodney gives an involuntary cough, hoping John won't notice his emotional reaction. It's obvious John doesn't want that right now.

 

As he walks out of the room, Rodney promises himself that he'll make this up to John, just as soon as he gets back. He'll find a way to get through to him.

 

.  
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* * *

.  
.

 

Watching Rodney leave, John feels sad for the first time since he heard the news about his father's death. He's sure Rodney would've found a way to come if John had asked. 

 

But John doesn't want Rodney there. The last thing he needs is anyone making assumptions that he's brought his gay lover to the funeral.

 

Somewhere in the back of John's mind, he remembers a song from an album Lyle gave him years ago... it that always seemed to express what he couldn't about the train wreck of his emotional life. What was that one line?

 

_'...I can't go home because they hate me._ '

 

Yeah. That.

 

But it was never really a home, just a place he left behind almost 20 years ago. And John gave up hoping things could be any different long ago.

 

Grabbing the duffle bag, John walks to the gate alone.

 

While he bleakly waits for the wormhole to open, Ronon walks up and stands next to him.

 

"Where are you going?" John scowls.

 

"With you." Ronon answers, staring straight ahead at the gate.

 

Too numb to argue, John just continues to stare blankly as well. The ring activates and Ronon strides forward into the open wormhole. All John can do is follow after him into the event horizon.

 

The rest of the trip, John is dull, tired, and silent. Thankfully, Ronon lets him stay that way. Once they reach a hotel, John retreats to his room without a word. He collapses into bed and falls asleep as soon as he hits the mattress.

 

When John wakes and remembers where he is. A bitter feeling rises in his throat. He'd sworn to himself that he'd never come back to this place. After Mom died, there was nothing left. No family to be found here.

 

The only moments of escape or freedom had been when John was flying. Any free time he was allowed, he spent chasing that rush, lifting through the air. He'd had his pilot's license in no time.

 

_'Better get this over with.'_

 

John pulls himself from bed and goes through the motions of getting into his suit, trying to look the part. When he finds Ronon out by the car, John notices he's donned some Earth attire, but he is underdressed for the kind of event this will be. Whatever. John really doesn't give a shit.

 

As he drives them up to the estate, John realizes he should probably offer Ronon some kind of explanation. Unsure of what to say, he hopes Ronon won't judge him by the opulence he is about to witness. John parks the car on the curved driveway arching away from the large mansion.

 

Getting out and looking around, Ronon comments, "A lot of people."

 

"Yeah, well," John rasps, "My old man was pretty well-connected." Political connections had always been the most important thing to Patrick Sheppard; he built an empire on them.

 

Seeing his brother coming toward him, John's stomach does a flip-flop. His first thought is that Dave will think he and Ronon are lovers. John looks nervously at Ronon but walks over to Dave anyway.

 

"John." Dave addresses him.

 

"Dave." John rubs the back of his neck anxiously.

 

His brother reaches out a formal hand to greet him, "I wasn't sure you were going to make it."

 

John reaches his hand out and returns the stiff shake.

 

"It's good to see you." Dave sounds insincere.

 

Ronon has not escaped Dave's notice; he flits his eyes over the two of them, saying, "I contacted your unit commander at Peterson, but um, sometimes those messages just don't seem to reach you."

 

He hates the reproachful look Dave is giving the two of them, but tries to stay polite, "Well, I came as soon as I heard."

 

Dave nods and peers at Ronon so John offers the obligatory introduction, "This is Ronon. Ronon this is Dave, my brother."

 

"Yeah, nice to meet you." Ronon has a slight scowl on his face but reaches out his hand in the Earth custom.

 

"Pleasure." Dave gives Ronon a leery eye, speaking in a civilized but condescending way. He looks back to John pointedly, "You two ... _work_ together... in the Air Force."

 

"He's a civilian contractor." John jumps in quickly, trying to dispel any notions that Dave might have about Ronon being his romantic partner.

 

"Right." Dave leans his head to one side in disbelief.

 

How is it that John suddenly feels like he's 18 again? He pushes his lips together and chews the  bottom one under scrutiny. His face is warm with shame and his heart pounding in his chest.

 

"Anyway," Dave continues, "John, I think we should probably talk."

 

"Yeah." John manages to lift his head, speaking in a gravelly whisper.

 

"I'll catch up with you later." Dave dismisses them in his cordial but cold manner. 

 

Feeling every bit the younger brother, John blinks and nods meekly. He makes his way to the main house where the closed casket is set for viewing. A large portrait of the old man is covered in a lavish array of flowers. The face is so much older than John remembers. Jesus, he can't believe it's really been 20 years.

 

He can barely stand to look at the photo, as if he can see all his father's rage and rejection coming through it. John walks to the casket instead and shoves his hands in his pockets. He wonders what he should be feeling about this. And he can't help but wonder if Patrick Sheppard died believing he went to heaven or hell.

 

One of the last times John tried to reach out to the old man, about 11 years ago, he and Nancy had recently gotten engaged. John sent the wedding invitations to the house. Dave had come but not a word from the old man.

 

That had been when John had really given up on the idea that he'd ever win his father's approval. He'd thought the guy at least would have been happy he married a woman.

 

Nancy had been insistent though, always trying to urge him to reach out. John had given into the pressure eventually and called the house when he knew Dave and the old man would be working.

 

Dave had answered and set the phone down to go get Patrick. After a minute, Dave returned to the line, saying "Sorry John. He… he's yelling about how you turned your back on the family."

 

"Me?" John balked, "He's the one who threw me out when I was 18! It wasn't my choice."

 

"You know how stubborn Dad can be." Dave sighed.

 

Thinking Nancy would be satisfied with the effort, John just hung up on his brother. But she never really accepted that John didn't have a relationship with his family. Probably because she didn't know the whole story.

 

What's the point of staring at a casket anyway? It isn't going to change anything. John leaves the room and walks back outside to the garden. He finds Ronon on the lawn with a towering plate of food. Clearly he's discovered the fancy buffet.

 

"Lots of food over there." Ronon mumbles with a mouthful, offering the plate to John.

 

"I'm good." John smiles weakly.

 

Ronon nods his head to the mansion, "This the house you were raised in?"

 

"One of them." John pulls at a stray flower in his hand.

 

"It's nice." Ronon's voice sounds sincere and free of judgment.

 

"Yeah, I couldn't wait to get out of here." John admits.

 

"Yeah? Why?" Ronon asks.

 

How can he explain the situation out here on the lawn? John tries to give Ronon an abbreviated but honest answer.

 

"My dad's idea of teenage rebellion was going to Stanford instead of Harvard." He smiles up at Ronon, then realizes that he won't understand the reference at all; how with his father's connections and John's scores, he was already assured entrance to Harvard -applying anywhere else was superfluous.

 

"Never mind. He just…" John tries to keep it as light as he can, "He had everything planned out for me since I was about 14."

 

That was how old John was when the old man put him to work full time in the family business. He'd worked hard at it, tried to make the old man proud, but nothing John did was ever enough to please him.

 

He remembers how disappointed the old man had been that John wanted to apply to the Air Force Academy. Finally, he'd convinced Patrick he'd never go. John argued that it could help with future military connections to say that he had been one of the lucky few selected; it was just a matter of prestige if he could say he'd been accepted.

 

He'd have just applied on his own without asking, but he needed his father's political connections to get that letter of recommendation from a member of Congress. Regardless of the outcome, John knew he'd end up at Harvard getting a business degree like his brother. It was what his father wanted and Patrick Sheppard knew his son well enough to know that sometimes John just wanted to prove something was possible. Just like he'd taken the Mensa test only to prove he could get in.

 

In the end, John always ended up doing what his father asked of him, so he'd had gotten his Congressional letter and applied himself to the rigorous physical and written examinations. It was satisfying to be selected, even though John knew he could never fly professionally.

 

"So what do we do now?" Ronon is asking.

 

"Mostly, people sit around, drink, eat." He looks at Ronon's plate, "Some more than others. Mostly they talk… they don't know what to say, but they talk."

 

Ronon looks over to Dave in the distance; he is shaking hands and exchanging niceties with men in suits, "Yeah, well, your brother seems to be handling it well."

 

"That's what he does," John can't help but feel bitter. "he handles things."

 

Like how Dave handled the death of their mother. John had been 8 when she died. Dave always kept telling him to stop being such a baby and 'handle it like a man'. They'd never been close, but Dave had bullied him a lot after Mom died. It had been a relief when Dave finally left home for college.

 

"How come you never mentioned him before?" Ronon questions.

 

_'Let's see, 'cause not counting today, I've only seen my brother twice in 20 years... Only talked to him a handful of times on the phone since I was a kid.'_  Out loud he merely says, "It's complicated."

 

He turns his head to take in the scene behind him and spots someone from his past; whipping around again with his back to the party, John asks Ronon, "I told you I had an ex-wife, right?"

 

"Yeah, why?"

 

"Here she comes." John exhales and turns to greet her.

 

She looks as pretty as ever, polished and graceful, "Hi, John."

 

"Nancy." He stalls for a moment, then admits, "I didn't expect to see you here."

 

Reaching up, she hugs John politely, quickly breaking away, "I'm very sorry."

 

His mind goes blank before he remembers to introduce her to Ronon. He tries to make polite conversation and ask how things are going with her job in Washington. Nancy tells him she was recently promoted to a directorship at Homeland Security and he congratulates her.

 

You know," Nancy tells him, "your Dad was always very good to me."

 

John tries not to show his resentment about how cozy the old man had gotten with Nancy after the divorce. It figures that John would end up marrying someone as ambitious as his father. Nancy always claimed she met Patrick Sheppard after the divorce at a political function purely by accident. But John's always had his doubts.

 

Nancy had always been far too fascinated by John's prestigious upbringing. The old man hadn't bothered to come to the wedding, but clearly, he'd approved of Nancy. Dave told John later how 'disappointed' he and Dad were that the marriage failed.

 

It still bothers him to think that the old man may have gotten into his head through Nancy somehow. But at least Nancy never gave any indication that she knew anything about the nature of their fallout... other than something regarding business and career choices.

 

Clearing his throat, John tells her, "Well in his mind, marrying you was probably the best thing I ever did."

 

"Okay." Nancy's voice is tense, she knows how John feels about the fact that she got close with his family after the divorce. "Well, it's good to see you again, John. Take care of yourself."

 

This is a lot harder than he thought it would be. He seriously needs a drink.

 

John and Ronon head to the open bar inside the house. While waiting for his drink, a young woman approaches him. Disturbingly, she begins rambling about classified details of the Stargate program like Rodney's past kidnapping and his work on the nanites.

 

Convinced that this woman, Ava, represent a security threat, John immediately agrees to go to a private place to speak with her. He tells Ronon to take her to the car and tosses him the keys. On his way out, John spots Dave coming toward him across the lawn.

 

Dave begins, "John I was thinking that we should-"

 

"Something came up." John cuts him off, "I've got to go."

 

His brother walks in close, with his eyes cold, "It's Dad's wake."

 

"I know" John says, "But this is work-related."

 

"Oh. Oh. What is it top secret?" Dave postures sarcastically, "National security, that sort of thing?"

 

"Well, something like that." John answers honestly.

 

"You know, this is so typical." Dave shakes his head in disgust.

 

Tired of feeling intimidated, John confronts him, "You got something to say, just say it."

 

"Look," Dave sighs facing away from John, "there's just one thing I want to know. What's your level of expectation here?"

 

"What are you talking about?" John is confused.

 

"I mean," Dave pauses before cocking his head abruptly at John, "are you going to challenge the will?"

 

John's eyes go wide with shock and hurt.

 

"I have no idea what it says, of course," Dave continues, "but I think I can guess."

 

Narrowing his eyes, John tries to wrap his head around this. He didn't think this place could hurt him again but he was wrong. Dave has just ripped away the last shred of sentiment John had left for this, this, pit of wretchedness and despair that he was once forced to call his home.

 

"That's what you want to talk about?" He looks at Dave in betrayal, "You want to talk about money?

 

"That's why you're here isn't it?" Dave is flippant.

 

He gapes at Dave in horror.

 

"You've been gone a long time, John. It's not such a stretch."

 

Rousing himself from his stupor, anger starts to take the place of the pain he's feeling; as he stalks away, John spits out, "You've got nothing to worry about."

 

"Hey." Dave calls after him.

 

John stops walking and turns around.

 

"If I got the wrong impression of you, it's not my fault. You're the one who left, remember? I stayed. I looked after Dad, I ran the business, while you were off doing... God-knows-what."

 

"I'm assuming," John tries to hold his voice steady, "that's what Dad wanted."

 

"No." His brother looks at him sincerely for the first time today, "No, it's not John."

 

Dave assesses him for a moment, "Dad regretted what happened between you two… right up to the end." With that, Dave turns and walks back to the wake.

 

John wishes to God he hadn't turned around to hear the rest of what Dave had to say. He thought he was long past caring, but hearing that his father may have felt something for him beyond hatred is tearing at John's insides.

 

_'Goddamn Son of a Bitch is dead and he's still fucking with me.'_

 

Once again, the old man got through to that small, scared part of him. Just like always, reaching into John's life, strangling him... No matter how long and far John has run he still hasn't escaped.

 

Why the hell did he bother to come back for this? There's no point, nothing but a bottomless well of pain from the past coming back to haunt him.

 

_'Focus John. Shut it off.'_

 

John squeezes his eyes together. He breathes in and in a moment he is gone; numb and distant.

 

Time to save the world now. John's eyes snap open and he runs back to the car.

 

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place during Season 4, episode 15 "Outcast"  
> .


	14. Indifference was the best John expected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _Whatever John expected from his brother after all these years, this certainly wasn't it._  
> .

.

.

A Replicator loose on Earth is a pretty valid excuse for leaving a wake, as far as excuses go. Not that Dave would care even if John _could_ tell him.

 

If Ava hadn't come to them, they'd never have known that Henry Wallace's research into the nanites didn't die along with him. Ava's mentor, Dr. Poole, managed to create one of the things using Wallace's data ...before it killed two people and escaped from his lab.

 

They nearly caught the thing, but now the SGC has reached a dead end. All John can think is that before Dr. Poole went and got himself killed by his own creation, he must have had a buyer lined up. Someone connected and powerful.

 

John doesn't like the idea of asking Nancy for a favor but knowing the danger the Replicator poses is enough to make him swallow his pride. 

 

So he makes the call, even if it just means getting an earful from her about what a crappy husband he was. God knows she doesn't owe him anything, but if she'd be willing to look into this unofficially, maybe she could find something they've missed.

 

.

.

 

"Two John Sheppard encounters in two days?" Nancy eyes him sarcastically, "I hardly saw you that much when we were married… What can I do for you?"

 

"Uh," John starts hesitantly, "I need a favor… uh, I need as much information as possible about a project -possibly codenamed 'Archetype.'"

 

She looks at him sharply, "You want me to use my security clearance to get you classified information?"

 

"Well, I didn't say it was a small favor." he adds.

 

Nancy sounds angry, "Do you know how hard I've worked to get to where I am? If I get caught doing something like this, I could lose everything."

 

"Well, I know. I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important."

 

She sighs and gives him a look that he remembers from their marriage, resigned and disappointed. "All right, what's it about?" She eyes him skeptically.

 

Trying to form the next words, John pulls his lips together. Nancy was always angry with him for being evasive and she isn't going to like that he can't give her answers.

 

He spills the words quickly, "I can't tell you."

 

"Ah, that's typical." Nancy makes a scornful sound.

 

'"What the hell is that supposed to mean?",  John feels defensive. _'It's not like they're married anymore'_

 

"I haven't seen you in over 4 years" Nancy notes sourly.

 

He thought it had been much longer than that. Oh yeah. They'd gotten drinks once while he was on leave from McMurdo, not that long before he headed out to Atlantis.

 

"And now you want me to put my job on the line," She continues, "you won't even tell me why?"

 

"All right." John nods his head in guilt, "When you put it that way, it sounds a little crappy."

 

"Well, I'm glad you noticed." Nancy's voice warms, but still has a sharp edge, "It's too bad you didn't a little bit earlier, say, like, when we were still together. When I think back to all those times that you would just take that call and leave, no apologies, no explanations… For all I knew you were halfway around the world flying secret missions in Somalia."

 

"That's ridiculous." John nitpicks, "I've never been to Somalia."

 

"North Korea, then." Nancy pouts.

 

"There's a big difference." He quibbles.

 

After a long sigh, Nancy speaks softly, "I put up with your secrets then, John. I don't have to do it now."

 

"Right." John's voice gets soft too; he knows she's talking about more than his missions. 

 

Nancy thought once they were married, John would open up and show her his inner world. He'd wanted to, but he hadn't known how. He'd been absent physically and unreachable emotionally even when he had been home. Nancy deserved better, he knew that. John hadn't blamed her when she filed for divorce.

 

.

.

 

Back at the lab, John finds Ava distraught as she packs up Dr. Poole's personal effects. He'd been like a father to her and she is heartbroken that he died believing she betrayed him.

 

"Well, you don't know that." John tries to reassure her that Poole may have understood.

 

She smiles dryly, "That's nice of you to say, but this project meant everything to him."

 

Sitting down, John can't help but think about what Dave said... about the old man regretting things in the end, "Well, maybe you meant something to him, too. You never know what people are thinking."

 

Dave's last words planted the seed of an idea. One John's tried not to think about but can't let go of. The remote possibility that maybe his father regarded him as a son after all.

 

"Even those you're closest to?" Ava queries.

 

"Especially those." John sees Rodney's face in his mind, wishing he could have known what Rodney once felt for him, before it was too late.

 

He stares down at the table for some time, a pensive frown on his face.

 

"Colonel?" Ava notices something is wrong.

 

_'Focus John'_ He pulls himself from his thoughts and returns his mind to the mission at hand.

 

A short while later, John gets an urgent message relayed to him. Nancy wants to speak and he goes to her immediately.

 

She gives him a small data storage device, saying it is everything she could find on 'Archetype', "It's not much, but whatever it is, no one will touch it with a 10 foot pole."

 

"Yeah, I owe you one." John tells her gratefully.

 

"Damn right you do." She looks at John with sentiment and shakes her head gently, "You know, it's funny, when you and I were together, I couldn't stand it when you wouldn't be able to tell me where you were going or what you were doing… And now, every once in a while, I catch Grant looking at me the same way."

 

_'Grant... Mr. boring, dependable nice guy.'_ But John had been happy for Nancy when she remarried; she deserved someone who could give her what she needed. 

 

"When I was doing my snooping around, I took the liberty of asking a few questions about you, John."

 

"That's probably not such a good idea." he grimaces.

 

"Yeah, I got that impression. I've seen walls go up quickly before, but never like this, and whatever you're into, it's obviously big. And, my guess is, very dangerous. I just want you to be careful."

 

"Well," John smirks, "you know me." 

 

"Yeah." Nancy looks at him protectively, "That's the problem."

 

He looks up at her with guilty eyes and offers a small smile of affection. He appreciates the little bit of care she still has for him; he knows even from a safe distance his recklessness drives her  crazy.

 

Returning the smile, she sighs with resignation and gets out of the car, "Goodbye, John."

 

.

.

 

With the Replicator destroyed, thanks in no small part to the information Nancy provided, it's time to return to Atlantis.

 

Almost.

 

Before he leaves, there's just one last thing John has to do.

 

He heads back to the estate one last time. Getting out of the cab, he rubs his neck anxiously before knocking on the door.

 

Dave answers looking surprised but his expression is uncharacteristically soft.

 

John looks at him hopefully and Dave widens the door, "Come in."

 

It's so strange being back here. He walks in and sits on a couch nervously. Dave offers him a drink, which he readily accepts. He doesn't know what he came here to say.

 

Just, he hasn't been able to quash his desire, his hope that he could feel something other than complete rejection from his family. John shifts his glass and looks at Dave.

 

He finds himself preemptively explaining about Ronon, "We really do work together. That's all. There's nothing… It's not like that."

 

Lifting his eyebrows, Dave asks, "John, do you really think I still care about that, after all this time?"

 

Feeling small, John just shrugs.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Dave looks at his brother realizing for the first time, how much pain all of this must have caused John over the years.

 

He takes a breath and looks at John squarely, "Well, _I_ don't".

 

John nods uncertainly, "Dad did."

 

"Well," Dave looks down, "Dad was stubborn. He didn't like to lose a fight, even if he knew he was wrong."

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John's lower lip begins to tremble despite himself; he's embarrassed that his eyes are getting watery and looks up to keep tears from forming, "So he… didn't hate me?", He's afraid to know the answer either way.

 

"No, no he didn't." Dave answers in a compassionate tone.

 

"How do you know?" John's voice is husky as he continues staring up at the ceiling.

 

"Because he… He kept tabs on you, he'd tell me when something happened… Like when you got promoted. He sounded like he was bragging about his own achievements. He said you excelled at everything you did.

 

Sometimes he grumbled that you didn't put your mind to work for him, but he was proud of you...

 

He never talked about anything directly. But towards the end he told me he regretted what had happened between you two, that if he could do it again, he'd do it differently."

 

Silent tears started spilling down John's face the moment he heard Dave say the word 'proud'.

 

Hearing the rest of it makes it impossible to hold them back. His lip trembles violently and the unbidden tears flow. John can't believe he still has a place in his heart that can be touched by this. 

 

But it's like going back in time, wishing desperately for his father's love and approval. Hating himself for not being worthy of it and hoping against hope that somehow he'll get it anyway.

 

This belated offering Dave is giving him, that his father felt something beyond disgust and hatred, perhaps even pride in his younger son… It's more than John knows how to cope with.

 

It's like the part of his heart that had shrunken and blackened with time is being filled with life.

 

And it's too much, the space is too small now and it is overflowing like his eyes. John keeps his tears silent, but his breath is staggered. He shakes his head as he tries to reconcile this information; his face bunched up in pain.

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

Dave is speechless for some time. He'd always thought John didn't care about any of this, that he wanted nothing to do with him or his father. Now he is filled with a great regret over his distant dealings with his brother over the years.

 

"John, I… " His voice is low, feeling too emotional to keep it steady, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were hurting. I… I should have, I should have been more of a brother to you."

 

.

.

* * *

.

.

 

John's eyes squeeze tighter and the tears keep coming. Shaking his head, he wants to ask _'Why?'_ But it is a question Dave can't answer. There will never be an answer because his father is gone now.

 

_'Why did you throw me away? Why didn't you love me? Why wasn't I good enough? Why wouldn't you let me come back? Why does this hurt so much?'_

 

"Why?"

 

"What, John?" When Dave asks, John realizes he's accidentally whispered the word aloud.

 

Trembling, he tries to regain control. Dave being kind to him is another thing that is too much. His heart doesn't have room for it. He bites into his lower lip.

 

Dammit. John opens his eyes enough to see his whiskey on the table.

 

Grabbing it, he downs the whole thing. Okay that helps. John throws his head back again and opens his eyes to the ceiling. He takes a few deep breaths then looks down to his empty glass. He sets it on the table and finally looks at Dave.

 

John inhales sharply. Dave is looking at him in bewilderment and his eyes are… He's crying too. John didn't think Dave was capable, he hadn't even cried when Mom died.

 

This is the guy that teased him and told John he was a baby for not 'handling' her death like a man. John shares the expression of bewilderment with his brother. Here they are sitting across from each other, both of them with tears on their faces.

 

"I'm... so sorry, John." Dave's voice is tight, "You didn't deserve… You deserved better."

 

Blinking at the tears, John is unsure of what to say.

 

Dave stands up and gestures to the bar, "Shall we get another…"

 

Nodding in agreement, John follows him to refill their empty glasses.

 

This time Dave pours a very stiff drink, almost full to the brim. John still can't believe he's here, in this house with his brother, fucking crying. He can't believe he doesn't even want to stop the tears anymore.

 

The two of them lean on the bar instead of returning to the couches. As kids, they'd been 4 years apart, so Dave had little interest in anything other than picking on John. But John had looked up to him anyway, admired him and wished that Dave was the kind of brother he could confide to and rely on.

 

Now somehow those feelings are rushing back too. All those lost wishes from childhood feel so close again. He looks at Dave and sees no scorn in his face, only sadness.

 

"John" Dave says the name with emotion and looks like he's having difficulty finding the words he wants to say, "I want you to know… that although I haven't done a very good job of showing it in the past… That, uh, I do in fact, really care about you."

 

Shocked, John gapes at his brother.

 

"I mean, to say, actually, that I love you." Dave revises, looking at him intently.

 

Pressing his lips together, John's eyes go wide. Dave has never said anything like this to him before. He feels like he's 8 years old again yearning for his brother's acceptance.

 

"Oh." John licks his lips and his voice quakes; he looks to Dave without hiding his desire for connection and fresh tears fall, "I, uh… love you too."

 

Emotion wracks John's body and he crushes his eyes shut. He feels a hand on his shoulder and opens his eyes again. Stunned, he sees a teary-eyed Dave still looking at him with affection. 

 

Unsure of himself, John reaches out his arm shakily to touch his brother's shoulder.

 

But Dave steps closer and wraps his arms around John. Relenting, John squeezes back. The only time Dave ever hugged him before was a brief pat at John's wedding. There was never anything like this in their family. John holds him close, feeling his brother's body shake as Dave allows himself to cry in earnest.

 

Resting his head on his brother's shoulder, John spills his own tears onto Dave's sweater. He can't believe how much love he feels, that it's possible that there's still something holding them together. 

 

This hug almost makes up for everything. The years after Mom died that John had been teased for his tears. This feeling of connection between them seems to bridge the immense distance between then and now. 

 

Still, the emotion is too much. Part of him wants to push back, to protect himself from being hurt again. But John has no defense for kindness. Indifference, or even hatred, he had expected, but love wasn't something he came prepared for.

 

"I'm sorry," Dave sobs, "I'm just so sorry."

 

"It's okay." John clasps him tighter, "It's all okay now... It's okay, isn't it?"

 

"Yeah… Yeah…" Dave speaks in halting breaths, "O-Okay."

 

"John…" again, the name is said with intense emotion, Dave pulls back, with his hands on John's shoulders; the look on his face honest and sincere. "I want us to be… different"

 

"Me too…" John nods, "I know my job can sometimes be difficult… but I'll try, I'll really try."

 

"Okay, okay. I'll really try too." Dave pulls his brother back into a short but fierce embrace.

 

The two of them drink for hours. There is laughter, more tears, heartfelt apologies, and recounting of childhood memories. Even a little more talk of Dad.

 

By the end of the evening the two of them are pretty well drunk and John calls for another cab. At the door they say their goodbyes.

 

Then just as John is leaving, Dave grabs his arm. "Hey, I'm proud of you too… I'm proud you're my brother, nothing else matters and I love you."

 

It feels easy now as John hugs Dave back, "I love you too... Thanks… for everything."

 

When John came by the house earlier this was the last thing he'd ever expected. Maybe he thought after arguing with Dave, he might get a better answer about what the old man may have regretted. But this? 

 

As John walks to the cab, he feels elated beyond anything he thought was possible.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes places in Season 4, during/ after episode 15 "Outcast"  
> .


	15. No son of mine is a fucking faggot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John finally trusts someone with the whole ugly truth about his past; he expected to feel so much more ashamed, but Rodney's unconditional love and acceptance transforms him._  
> .

.

.

When John gets back to Atlantis and people in the gate room ask how he's doing, it isn't even a lie when he says 'Fine'. He feels like he has some lost part of himself back, the part that existed before Mom died.

 

With the rest of the day off before he returns to active duty, John wants to make the most of this relaxed feeling. He grabs his War & Peace novel and heads out to one of the remote, empty sections on the North pier.

 

The sound of someone approaching rouses him about half and hour into his reading. He looks up from the wall he's sitting against and sees Rodney.

 

"Of course it would me you." John folds the corner of his book page, "How'd you find me? Never mind -internal sensors, I forget sometimes."

 

"I have other ways, I can find anybody I want to." Rodney brags, then his countenance falls and he confides, "I was worried about you."

 

"I'm fine, really." John sighs with ease.

 

"So…" Rodney sits next to him and leans back on the wall; he studies John's face for a moment, "How was the funeral?"

 

"You know…" John shrugs, about to make a joke, but Rodney's caring expression stops his pat answer.

 

"Something good happened while I was there." John doesn't know how to explain without some background, "Uh, so… I haven't been home in almost 20 years. I've been estranged from my, uh...  _family_." It feels weird to use that word since he's never felt like he had one.

 

"Well..." Rodney's brows furrow, "That sounds more bad than good."

 

"Actually It was more like…" John turns and gazes at Rodney openly.

 

He feels so light now, like it would be easy to tell the truth. He's learned to trust Rodney with these things, maybe he could let him in... just a little bit more....

 

"It's... kind of a long story." John offers hesitantly.

 

"I'm completely yours." Rodney smiles eagerly.

 

John grins back, wishing that really was the case.

 

"Well…okay." he shrugs, "Ah, I think it started when my Mom died. You know, like I told you before, I was young when she… um...

 

...Anyway, Dad was a drinker. But he was pretty wealthy and powerful, functioned at a high level… it could get ugly sometimes. He used to… get physical, especially when I cried about losing Mom. He'd slap me and tell me to shut up and stop being a baby.

 

Didn't think he ever liked me much, always saying I was a disappointment and-."

 

"How old were you?" Rodney interrupts.

 

"About 8."

 

"God." Rodney winces.

 

"That's not the bad part." John smiles tightly.

 

"Oh." Rodney lifts his eyebrows.

 

"I always tried to win his approval." John rubs the back of his neck, "Started working full time in the family business when I was 14. Didn't get a lot of free time, but when I did, I'd spend it flying. A little golfing, but mostly flying."

 

John feels like he's not sure where he's going with this or what is going to come out of his mouth next but he just lets his thoughts spill out, "See, my Dad had everything mapped out for me; I was supposed to get an advanced business degree at Harvard like my older brother. I was planning to go, I only applied to the Air Force Academy just to prove I could get in."

 

He narrows his eyes at Rodney, thinking of all the times Rodney's made digs about his intelligence, "It's actually pretty hard, you know?"

 

"Yeah, I know." Rodney actually looks impressed.

 

"So, my senior year of high school I got pretty close with this guy, Tyler. He was… uh, pretty cool. Um, he was on the football team… I wasn't, not that year, had an injury during tryouts.

 

But, uh, we just had a lot of fun together, you know. And one day we cut class, fooling around under the bleachers. I don't know how it got started… I'd never done anything like that before. We were kind of wrestling and..."

 

John looks to Rodney for reassurance and sees the lack of judgment in his eyes.

 

He takes a breath, "We, um, like, gave each other… you know... like, hand jobs." John inhales and holds his breath, looking at Rodney again.

 

Rodney is nodding like it's no big deal.

 

"Somebody saw us." John explains, "Actually, I think it was a couple guys from the football team, but I'm not sure… You gotta understand that this was a very conservative, very religious upper crust private school. The kids there… their parents were really connected, politically and all, like my Dad.

 

I don't know what Tyler told people," John pushes his lips together and bites on the lower one. "-he wouldn't talk to me after that, but nobody messed with him. A couple days later, I got attacked by a group of guys from the football team. They got me pretty bad. Nothing was  broken… Well, maybe a few ribs, I was pretty messed up. But the bad part-"

 

"Wait," Rodney interrupts, "that's not, the bad part?"

 

"No," John shakes his head, "the bad part was, my Dad found out... about a week later. People talk in those social circles, stuff gets around."

 

For some reason John finds himself offering a bit of an excuse for his father, "Back in the late 80's, this kind of thing with a family member could ruin political connections and business deals. It was like the kiss of death for someone in my father's position. And to my father, position was everything."

 

The memory of that fateful night comes flooding back to John. "I was in the office, working. Dad came home and, he wasn't really drunk, but he'd had a few. I didn't know what he was talking about at first when he told me to get out of the house. I guess I didn't get up fast enough, 'cause he started getting rough with me. Rougher than usual… He was screaming about how I ruined the family... Said he'd given me everything and I'd thrown it all away.

 

When I asked what I did, he just cold cocked me. I… uh, I was on the floor, and I remember him... looking down at me. The way he looked… It's seared into my brain…"

 

Holding his temples, John winces from the memory. He stares out at the waves of the ocean, feeling the old wound, the place in his heart that has been so broken and he feels like he wants to cry. He thought he'd cried himself out last night with his brother but the wound is open now, easy to reach.

 

"I just wanted him to love me…" John shakes his head sadly, "He never would have said it, even if he did… but I really wanted to be good enough to make him proud. And I wasn't… I was never enough, even before this all happened."

 

John leans forward, his head stooped into his hands. He feels Rodney move closer to him, pressing his chest up to his side. His arms reach around John's middle and hold him protectively.

 

Silent tears fall. They come easily and without resistance. John sniffs lightly and stays with his elbows propped over his legs. He doesn't want to risk moving and have Rodney let go. It feels like Rodney is wrapped around that wounded place in his heart.

 

"It's okay." Rodney whispers tenderly, as he rests his chin on John's shoulder.

 

Nodding, John lets the tears drop to his lap, "He looked at me with such... hatred. He told me I disgusted him and… he, uh, said…"

 

"Uh," John's voice gets smaller, "that all he felt for me now was contempt. That I wasn't his son anymore... To get the fuck out of his house and never come back…

 

...I was still on the floor. -I should have gotten up faster, but I just was so…"

 

John sees a tear rolling off his face. It hits his leg and makes a dark circle in the fabric.

 

He swallows and continues, "He grabbed me and it all happened so fast, he kept yelling the same things ...You know, to get out of his sight, that I'd never be welcome in his house again. He was hurting me and he looked like…

 

Uh, like, he was going to kill me. His rage was so out of control that I was really afraid he would. When he let go, I ran to grab what I could from my room.

 

On my way out of the house, he screamed his last words to me…"

 

John stiffens realizing something, "God, well, actually the last words he'd _ever_ say to me… He screamed, 'No son of mine is a fucking… FAGGOT'."

 

Saying it out loud, Johns' body shudders a little. No matter how often it's haunted him in his own mind, he's never said it out loud before.

 

" _Jesus_." Rodney softly exclaims, his body curling into John.

 

He can feel Rodney's protectiveness toward him. As John wipes at his tears, Rodney pulls him into a closer embrace and moves his hands in a soothing way across John's back.

 

Wanting to hold Rodney too and feeling that Rodney won't let go now, John repositions himself so he can wrap his arms around the man he so loves.

 

As John's chest falls into Rodney's, he lets out a long sigh. Rodney grips him tightly and guides John's head to rest on his shoulder.

 

Oh. This is better. John relaxes and lets the small trickle of tears leak from his eyes as Rodney moves his hands, softly caressing him.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

"I'm so sorry, John." Rodney whispers in disbelief at the emotional horror of this story.

 

"That isn't bad." His voice gets louder as he continues, "That's the most horrifying thing I've ever heard. I'm never going to be able to feel sorry for myself again, and that's saying something." Stopping himself, Rodney feels stupid, this isn't the time for jokes, John needs love.

 

"You know," Rodney begins again, "considering what you went through, you turned out really amazing. You have so much to be proud of and I'm... God. I'm so sorry your father was so fucked up and couldn't see that."

 

He can feel John nodding against his chest and asks, "If you never went back, how the hell did you even make it own your own, after that?"

 

"Well," John speaks with his face buried into Rodney's shirt, "I had a little money my Mom left me when she died, and… I mean I, you know... just, grabbed up the essentials and took my car that night; it was in my name. I found a hotel in town to stay at and uh...

 

My last year's tuition was already paid, so it made sense to stay and finish my degree. But it was hell finishing up my senior year. There was a lot of name-calling, shoulder bumps in the hall, coughing 'faggot' and 'queer' as I walked by."

 

With a muffled voice, John continues speaking into Rodney's shoulder, "I didn't have any friends after that, but physically I didn't get attacked again. I was on my guard and strong enough to protect myself.

 

Since I'd already been accepted into the Air Force Academy, I decided to go. Free tuition and it was what I wanted anyway. I was just so scared they'd find out. I figured my Dad had more to lose than I did and wouldn't want anyone to know, but I was always so scared that someone would find out."

 

Staying silent, Rodney tightens his hold around John, waiting for him to continue.

 

Before long John finds his voice again, "My brother... He'd been away at college when it all happened. When he got back I tried to talk to him, to see if my Dad might forgive me. But he said it wouldn't change anything as far as Dad was concerned, my father was too disgusted with me and wanted me to stay away. So I didn't ruin the family name and condemn the rest of them with my 'acts of sodomy'.

 

I tried to tell Dave, that's my brother, that it only happened once. But Dave said normal people don't _ever_ do that kind of thing."

 

Rodney bristles in anger. No wonder John's been so afraid to deal with his feelings for men... or get close to anyone for that matter. He can't imagine how traumatic it would be to go through something like this.

 

"Oh," John mumbles, "and, Dave made it clear Dad wasn't paying for college but I knew that already. So, when I graduated from high school, obviously there was no one to see me off. I just left for Colorado, the Academy, and… I dunno. Guess I was on my own for a while."

 

John sighs, "Hmm... Well, more than a while I guess. I couldn't seem to figure out... you know, just never got the hang of getting close to anyone. When I met Nancy I thought it could be different, I really wanted to be... I invited Dave and my Dad to the wedding, you know? At least Dave came. I guess I thought maybe my Dad would forgive me if I got married.

 

"I mean," John quickly adds, "that's not the reason I _got_ married. I just thought maybe he would accept me then. There were a few times over the years that I tried reaching out to him, but he wanted nothing to do with me. After a while I accepted that and moved on. It was easier that way."

 

From the fragments of what Rodney knew before, he is beginning to piece together the patchwork story of John's life. The picture is becoming more complete. He remembers John mentioning an ex-wife, but he's said so little about it. 

 

Wanting to understand the man he loves more completely, Rodney dares to ask for more, "What... What happened with Nancy?" 

 

"She left. Like I said, I'm not great at... relationships, letting people in. And I was worse at marriage. After it ended, I mostly kept to myself, just easier being alone." John's tone changes and sounds sentimental, "But then, then I met Lyle. And that changed. For a while."

 

Remembering the heartbreaking story about Lyle, Rodney strokes John's back and moves with a slight rocking sway, "Where's... the good part? Please tell me there's a good part, John?"

 

"Yeah," He feels John nodding again, "So, my brother... We've barely spoken over the years. He told me that my dad…"

 

John's voice cracks and his breath hitches, "He said my dad didn't hate me. That he was just too much of a stubborn bastard to be wrong… but he always kept track of what I was up to. He even told Dave that he was proud. He actually said he was proud and regretted... Well, I don't know what he regretted exactly, it's too late to know now. I don't know if I'd have it in me to forgive the old man even if he was sorry, but knowing he didn't hate me...it..." John chokes, "But with Dave, we...

 

...Okay, the good part, this is the good part, I thought Dave hated me too. But he said he doesn't care about… that stuff anymore. That he was sorry about the past, he, he actually told me that he loved me for the first time in my life.

 

I mean, my family? There was no emotion, no talking about feelings, no weakness allowed. My brother's never said a sentimental word to me in his life. And yesterday? He fucking hugs me. He hugs me and says he's sorry and that he wants us to be closer."

 

Rodney can feel John's emotions radiating from him. He's astounded by how unguarded John is, so vulnerable and open, almost like a little kid.

 

"Okay. At least that part's good." Rodney holds John close, "And you're not, you know?"

 

"Not what?" 

 

"You're not alone." Rodney clarifies, "Don't forget that, uh, you have me now. So you're not alone."

 

He can feel John softly crying as he tightens his grip, "Thanks."

 

As he moves his hands across John's back, Rodney tries to show the love he is feeling. It seems to soothe him and John speaks again.

 

"It's just so weird you know? I've spent all these years hating him because I thought he hated me… Mostly though, I just hated myself for all of it."

 

"Why?" Rodney feels disgusted, "Because of how horribly these people treated you or because of some archaic superstitious religion?"

 

"I don't know… I guess, I just felt, wrong. Like something was wrong with me." John takes a breath and adds in a low voice, "Ashamed and ...dirty."

 

Rodney thinks John needs the light of reason to shine through the cobwebs of his dusty past, "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

 

"What?" John answers quickly, "No!"

 

Pleased, Rodney pushes forward, "Okay, because I'm attracted to men. I like women too. But I've done all sorts of dirty things with men and I'm not a bit ashamed of being bi-sexual." He feels John's face flush with warmth against him.

 

"I-I think, that's how, ah, I am too." John stammers, "That's how I feel -except for the being ashamed part."

 

With his mouth pulling down into a small smile, Rodney asks, "Do you think I should feel ashamed because there are still some backward bigots who believe in flying angels and a gold plated paradise?"

 

"No" John murmurs.

 

"Look," Rodney continues, "I get that you can't be open in the military about this, but that doesn't mean you need to hate yourself. I know from personal experience that you can let it go. It has nothing to do with who you choose to be with. It's about how you feel about yourself.

 

Okay sure, I'm a mess and I still have plenty of self-loathing. But it doesn't get wasted on something as stupid and trivial as this. Like, I wouldn't tell most people about my sexual preferences, for personal reasons. But at least I know there's nothing wrong with me when it comes to who I'm attracted to."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John is still for moment before he dares to ask, "Have you, uh, been with guys, a lot, before?"

 

"Well, I haven't been with a lot of people, male or female," Rodney admits, "but, uh, I have had a few serious relationships with men, yes. Well, 3, and technically that's a few."

 

"Serious… relationships?" John wonders what that would even look like.

 

"Yes John, some people like to have them. Although, these days I'm trying to stick with women, because they seem to like me better than men -which isn't saying much, I know…"

 

"You don't..." John asks hesitantly, "want to be with guys anymore?" 

 

"Well," Rodney pauses, "being with a guy, physically, feels... great. I guess, the problem for me, was more… I just had some bad emotional experiences with men. But that's just personal stuff… The point is, I'm not ashamed. And I can choose to be with whoever I want to… provided, of course, that they meet the very NARROW criteria of being someone who wants to be with me, also."

 

Wondering if HE'S one of the bad experiences Rodney is talking about, John flushes again.

 

"What do you think... I mean, what do you think that you really have to be ashamed about?" Rodney asks.

 

Considering it, John pushes himself back off Rodney's chest. He peers closely into his eyes searching for an answer. And he can see the frank truth on Rodney's face, he really is guilt-free. John studies the expression trying to wrap his mind around this idea.

 

It's never occurred to him that it was possible to feel anything other than self-hatred about this stuff. Sure, he had wished it away and fought the shame. But in his heart he'd believed that something was wrong with him… twisted. Until now, he's never reflected on the matter enough to question where those feelings and ideas came from. Well, until now, he's never reflected on any of this at all.

 

"So?..." Rodney interrupts his thoughts.

 

"Uh," John shakes his head slightly, "yeah, let me…"

 

He sits back completely. What is there to hate himself over anymore? A religion he doesn't buy into? The spoiled kids from high school? His dead father's ideas about who he should be? Other than his fear of being fired from his career, John can't find an answer.

 

His eyes are dry now and they get wide as he looks at Rodney, answering slowly, "Nothing…"

 

"Right." Rodney gives him a huge grin of approval and his eyes light up.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

As John seems lost in thought, Rodney pauses to reflect on John's home life growing up. He looks at John with a new understanding of the forces that have driven him to create such armored walls around the guarded castle of his heart. It's gut wrenching to imagine him going through all that. He wishes he could have been there for John, when he was alone and had no one.

 

Rodney's thoughts bubble to the surface without realizing it, "I would have been your friend."

 

"What?" John looks back to Rodney in absent curiosity.

 

"It's just…", Rodney ventures, "I would have been your friend. I wouldn't have let you be alone."

 

John's face softens but Rodney feels the need to predicate, "I mean, I know you wouldn't have probably wanted to hang out with me, because, ah, I was much more of a dork and all, but I would have-"

 

An affectionate squeeze to his shoulders stops his rambling, "Rodney. I would have been happy to be friends with you… You're fun. We would have had fun."

 

"We _would_ have had fun." Rodney flashes a happy smile at John, "And I would have vanquished your enemies. Not with my physical strength, of course. But using the power of my mind, I would have devised some kind of laser… or maybe a paralytic pantsing device… Hard to say just now, but I would have made sure that no one messed with you… no one messed with us."

 

"Pansing device, huh?" John rolls back in laughter.

 

"Yeah. And we would have had a tree house."

 

"A tree house?" John looks amused.

 

"Yes." Rodney lifts his chin confidently, "A hidden fortification to retreat to. To plan secret missions and whatnot. I think a tree house would have been ideal."

 

"Yeah, a tree house." John smiles charismatically, "And we would have been good friends... the best of friends."

 

"Well…" Rodney's heart surges and he reaches for John's hand, "We're best friends now, aren't we?"

 

"Yes." John takes Rodney's hand in his and squeezes it softly, "We are."

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

John's eyes narrow in concentration, _'More than my best friend, you're everything to me Rodney'_

 

Then he blinks softly, gazing with immense love. Somewhere in the blue of Rodney's eyes is where John's real home will always be. It doesn't matter anymore what has been lost to the past, he has Rodney now and that's everything.

 

"Rodney?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Thanks." The simple word is too inadequate. How could he ever explain the twisted emotional train wreck that Rodney has helped him untangle over all these years? How the last of the knot  has finally given way with this unconditional acceptance and understanding Rodney's just given him. Rodney is his center, his safe refuge, the home John's never had before. Maybe a home that feels something like a treehouse fort.

 

Rodney is grinning and looking immensely satisfied with himself the way he does when he solves a difficult puzzle.

 

John breaks the stillness that follows, abruptly shifting gears to keep himself from begging Rodney for the chance to be more than just best friends; he slaps his hands to his knees, "Now. Do you want to play a stimulating game of golf?"

 

"You mean, putt the balls into the water?" Rodney makes a face.

 

Raising a finger to object, John thinks better of it, "Yes."

 

"All right," Rodney rolls his eyes dramatically, "Let's go then."

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This episode takes place in Season 4 between episodes 15 &16  
> .


	16. I think that he loves you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _John gets an excuse to spend the night in Rodney's bed again... and Ronon finally convinces him that he's an idiot for not trying to rekindle his romance with Rodney sooner._  
> .

.

.

 

At the end of the day, it's only natural for John to follow Rodney back to his quarters.

 

Half the time he spends the night on Rodney's couch anyway. It's almost like it used to be, before Katie.

 

But something about tonight feels different. After their talk on the pier, John's never felt so close to Rodney. He aches to hold him again so badly.

 

Just as he is wondering if there is a way he can find an excuse for them to do that on the couch, John notices something. Rodney is picking up the bedding from the side of the couch and putting the extra pillow back on his bed.

 

Does this mean Rodney wants the place to himself tonight? The question in John's eyes must be obvious because Rodney answers it.

 

"No, I don't want you to go… I, just thought, after everything that happened…" He nervously lowers his gaze, "I just thought maybe you'd want to sleep in the bed tonight?"

 

"Yes." John stills his excitement; the bed is a little too small for two people but he can't think of anything he wants more.

 

Rodney lowers his eyes again, turning around to continue fussing with the bedding.

 

Like he often does when it's this late, John grabs something comfortable from Rodney's cabinet to wear to bed. Feeling jittery with anticipation, he goes to take a shower and change.

 

Rodney is still acting nervous when John returns. He ducks his head with a small smile and quickly heads into the bathroom for a shower himself. 

 

Unsure of what to do, John sits on the couch while he waits for Rodney to return.

 

Finally the door slides back open and Rodney enters wearing his boxers and a tee-shirt, "Hey."

 

His eyes get wide at John for a moment, then he walks quickly to the bed, getting in without another word. 

 

Standing up, John clears his throat. Gingerly, he makes his way to the bed; he feels like he's being naughty somehow. Rodney just means to comfort him, but for John it is so much more. He's so completely in love with Rodney, he can't help but want more.

 

If he hadn't made such a mess of things before maybe they could have had another chance, maybe Rodney wouldn't have changed his mind about being with men. 

 

He takes a breath to steady himself, then slides under the covers. There is an awkward moment of stillness as they lay there together on the small mattress. Then Rodney moves, his hands reach out for John and pull him in.

 

John melts into the embrace and wraps himself around Rodney's familiar form. They fit together perfectly; they always have. He mimics the soft movements Rodney is making across his back. God, he loves touching Rodney this way. If only he could reach up and kiss him.

 

But Rodney doesn't want to be with a man, especially not one that already hurt him. John leans into Rodney's neck to smell him and his lips accidentally brush across the skin. Rodney's hands tighten on him for a moment.

 

_'Get it together, John. Don't blow this. Unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts'_

 

He tries not to let himself be overwhelmed by how desperately he loves this man. He focuses on the calming rhythmic sensation of Rodney's hands on him... nothing else.

 

Earlier when Rodney told John he wasn't alone...  It was... Well, no one's ever comforted him that way. Probably it was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said. That, and the part about them being friends as kids, having a tree house fort together.

 

This may not be everything he wants, but John knows what they have is special. Nobody gets to see this side of Rodney except him… Certainly no one has ever seen this side of John. Only Rodney. He should be happy with what he has, but he still wants more. With Rodney... he wants everything.

 

Rodney shifts to his back and pulls John onto his chest. John's hands drifts slowly, lightly trailing the tips of his fingers over Rodney's tee-shirt.

 

"Rodney? " He ventures carefully. 

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Would you tell me that thing you said before," Seeking comfort, John curls his limbs lazily around Rodney, "the thing about being forgiven?"

 

"Forgiven?"

 

"What you told me that night when I was… you know, after Lyle…"

 

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Sure." Rodney squeezes John close and pets his back protectively, "You are. Whatever it is that you think you've done wrong, the things from the past that haunt you… They're all forgiven. Everything is forgiven now."

 

"Everything?" John wants to feel the shame and guilt ebb away again; only Rodney has ever been able to make him feel that way.

 

"Everything. The ghosts, the regrets, whatever mistakes you thought you made…They've fallen away into the past, forgotten and forgiven. And so many of those things weren't your fault. I know you carried them, but they were't even yours… You've carried enough, for so long now. You can let it go. You've been enough, you haven't failed. And your father? That whole fucked up mess that you went through? Well, there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect the way you are. So everything is forgiven now, okay?"

 

"How do you..." John feels his body shudder, "do that?" 

 

"Hmm?" Rodney's hands stroke his back.

 

"Make it all go away." John whispers.

 

So much of the pain feels like it's lifted with Rodney's words. Not just the sadness and shame over his early years, that burden Rodney managed to dispel earlier today. But the guilt over his other failures, things he's carried with him so long, John almost thought they were a part of his identity? Rodney has the power to banish them all.

 

"I think," Rodney hugs John tightly, "I think when we're close… You can feel how I see you."

 

"Oh." John exhales deeply, his hand curling slightly up to the nape of Rodney's neck, "I like it."

 

He wants to keep holding on like this, never let Rodney go. His eyelids droop, in complete  relaxation, feeling so tired now.

 

As John feels himself fading, he hears Rodney whisper, "Me too."

 

.

.

 

Over the next few weeks, John fantasizes about Rodney constantly. But he hasn't let himself stay over too often, and Rodney hasn't offered his bed again.

 

The nights John spends alone, he indulges in his fantasy that he and Rodney are together. Not just having sex, but really together.

 

Of course he thinks about the sex a lot too. When he strokes his cock, he doesn't even feel dirty for thinking about another man this way. And despite what Rodney said about not wanting to date guys, John is completely losing control of his feelings for him.

 

His fantasy is dimmed somewhat when Rodney comes back from an away mission with Keller and Sam, asking John for dating advice. He says Keller asked him out for a drink and wants to know what John thinks it means.

 

"How would I know what it means?" John says sourly.

 

"Well, because you're good with women. It's all effortless for you... You know if someone's interested, or how to get them interested. I can't tell if it was just the beer but it seemed like she was flirting… It really feels like she and I have some chemistry."

 

"I wasn't there." John frowns at Rodney, "But it just sounds like a drink."

 

He wasn't there, so he has no idea, but he doesn't want to lose Rodney again. He wants Rodney to be his.

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

Rodney can never tell with these things. Usually he is so off base when it comes to who is attracted to him. But lately, he and John have been so close. If Rodney were judging by his own skewed sensibilities, he would say it almost seemed like John was jealous when he was talking about having a drink with Jennifer.

 

It feels like things between the two of them have reached a crescendo. Like they are vibrating right on the edge, and something is about to happen. Maybe John will... Maybe now things are different since John isn't as afraid of being with another man…

 

Rodney wants to reach out so badly, but he knows from past experience, that it's a bad idea when it comes to John. He's likely to shut down and run away.

 

Maybe if Rodney is patient, John will come to him. He can't help but indulge in his feelings for John, to nurse the hope that John could come to love him too. It's dangerous to let himself fantasize like this.

 

When he orders a King sized bed from Earth in hopes of coaxing John into it, Rodney knows he's truly lost it. 

 

.  
.

* * *

.  
.

 

After the Daedalus pulls the stranded Jumper into the hanger, Ronon heads down to see if John and Rodney are okay.

 

He smiles when he hears Rodney's voice yelling from inside. "Enough, already! We've been stuck here for God knows how long, and you haven't shut up, either of you! You just keep talking and talking… talk-a-talk-a talk-a-ta-."

 

As Ronon opens the back hatch, a man falls clumsily away from the door.

 

"Ronon!" Rodney calls from the front, looking thrilled to see him.

 

Another man asks, "Where are we?"

 

"Daedalus 302 Bay." Ronon tells them, "Saw you, scooped you up, heading back to Atlantis."

 

As Ronon walks into the Jumper, the clumsy man reaches out for him saying, "Thank God!" Ronon shoves him aside and makes a beeline for Rodney.

 

"Midway was destroyed." Rodney explains.

 

"Yeah, we saw. Where's Sheppard?"

 

Rodney opens the panel to the front of the Jumper. He jerks his thumb toward John's sleeping figure with headphones over his ears. "Lasted about a day, sealed himself in there."

 

As Rodney leaves, Ronon smirks, "No wonder he didn't hear the radio call."

 

Reaching over to the headphones, Ronon gives them a little rattle. John's arm twitches but he stays asleep. He can't resist reaching down to tickle John's nose. Suddenly, John jolts upright, blinking at Ronon with bleary eyes.

 

Ronon laughs as John takes off his earphones and points to the back of the shuttle, "Thank God! I almost shot myself with a stunner."

 

"Yeah, I understand." Ronon answers in amusement.

 

"Where are we?" John looks around.

 

"Daedalus 302 bay."

 

"What's the status of SGC?"

 

"Secure. T'ealc and I took care of the Wraith." Ronon assures him.

 

"I figured you would." John nods.

 

"Come on," Ronon gestures, "Let's get the hell out of here."

 

"Yeah" John stands up and follows him out.

 

"Oh, and I, uh passed my interview at the IOA." Ronon adds.

 

"Really?"

 

"Yeah, they said they liked me."

 

Slinging his jacket over his shoulder, John smirks, "Well, what's not to like?"

 

Ronon bites his tongue and waits until they are somewhere private before asking John what's been going on with he and Rodney lately. "So, I notice the two of you are spending a lot of time together these days…"

 

"Is it obvious?" John looks a little guilty.

 

"No." Ronon assures him, "Only to me."

 

John presses his lips into a silent grimace.

 

"So", Ronon teases "when are you going to tell him you love him?"

 

"Um, I wasn't… I mean, he doesn't want… He wants to be with a girl and get married."

 

"And you can't do that if you're both guys?"

 

"What, get married? No, you can't. At least not where I come from."

 

"Okay." Ronon frowns, "Well, how do you know he wants to be with a girl?"

 

"'Cause he just told me, specifically, recently. He doesn't want to be with men anymore."

 

"Just doesn't make sense." Ronon shakes his head, "I mean, the way he was with you back in Scotland…"

 

"That was a long time ago." John says softly.

 

"I just think…" Ronon stares at John pensively, "I think that he loves you too."

 

"Why would you think that?" John seems confused.

 

"I dunno. Maybe the view from the outside. Maybe you just can't see it."

 

"Well, you don't know him the way I do…" John looks up hopefully. "You _really_ think that?" 

 

"I'm not sure, but yeah," Ronon gestures impatiently with his hands, "I kinda think so."

 

"I don't know why he would." John narrows his eyes, "I haven't given him much reason. I mean, when he tried to kiss me I pushed him into a wall. Well, not at first, I did other stuff to push him away. But then I literally pushed him and told him never to go there with me again."

 

"So, he wouldn't have much reason to think you'd be interested?"

 

"No." John lowers his head, "Guess not."

 

"And good reason not to try anything again." Ronon suggests.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Right. So, you'd have to make the first move." Ronon urges.

 

John winces, "After he tells me he doesn't want to be with a guy?"

 

"What's the worst that could happen? You think he won't be your friend anymore? Even though you've already slept together and stayed friends?"

 

"Huh…" John stares thoughtfully off into the distance, "You really think he could?…"

 

"Yeah." Ronon makes a face, "And if you don't take your chance to tell him how you feel, then you're an idiot."

 

"An idiot, huh?" John's eyes twinkle in amusement.

 

"Yeah."

 

"All right. Fuck it. I'll do it." John points a finger at him, "But if this goes sideways, you know who I'm going to blame." 

 

"Idiot." Ronon chuckles.

 

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, after episode 15 "Outcast", through episode 16 "Trio", through/ after episode 17 "Midway"  
> .


	17. You haven't been forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When a lost friend returns, Rodney offers a special gift to help him get through the loss and confusion; something that once helped Rodney get through his own grief._  
> .

.

.

Even though he argued in favor of it, Rodney is apprehensive about the deal they made with their treacherous 'ally' Todd. As Ronon says, never trust a Wraith. Todd claims he just wants to find a cure for the Hoffan disease Micheal has modified, the one that is now killing humans and Wraith alike; he claims he merely wants to cure his Hive.

 

Still, there's no telling what else Todd intends to do with the research on the virus. All of Todd's deals always seem to have a hidden catch. But they have to find Teyla. And Todd was their only lead; he claimed to know a location, rumored among the Wraith worshippers, where Micheal is said to be holding a human captive.

 

When the team arrives there on the Daedalus, there is no signal from Teyla's subcutaneous transmitter. Rodney is disappointed but not surprised. Either Todd lied or Michael managed to disable it.

 

"Guess we'll have to do things the hard way." John sets his face in determination.

 

"Good." Ronon is resolute, "Let's do it."

 

Once they have beamed into the complex, the strike team encounters heavy resistance. Not from Wraith, but some strange humanoid-hybrid looking creatures. They clear their way through the halls but as the smoke clears there is no sign of Teyla.

 

John scowls, "She's not here."

 

"Are you sure?" Lorne gestures to a door at the end of the hall, "That guard was protecting something."

 

Rodney walks with John toward the door; he motions for Rodney to step away as he shoots the lock off.

 

Fiddling with the clasp for a moment, Rodney pulls it away. As John kicks the door wide open, Rodney does a double take.

 

He is totally unprepared for the face he sees inside the jail cell.

 

'Carson?'

 

"Finally! It's about bloody time." Carson stands up off a cell bed, "What took you so long?"

 

.  
.

 

Back on Atlantis, Rodney stands with John and Ronon overlooking the room where Carson is in medical quarantine.

 

"It's just weird" Rodney is in complete shock.

 

Carson warmly smiles up at Rodney; he smiles back in commiseration. Poor Carson, he seems to have no idea that is supposed to be dead.

 

"You sure he's not a Replicator?" John asks Rodney.

 

"No, scans would have picked it up right away."

 

"Then who the hell is he?" John wonders.

 

It looks like his friend, but Rodney admits, "I don't know. Look, I'm as freaked out about this as you are."

 

"You don't really think it's him, do you?", John asks.

 

"No. Well, I mean… Maybe… Look, so we've ruled out advanced robotics. That still leaves us half a dozen possible explanations."

 

"Like?" Ronon asks.

 

"Well," Rodney speculates, "like alternate timeline, parallel universe, cloning, you know, take your pick."

 

John sounds leery, "Just another day in outer space."

 

Jennifer comes in to update them on her findings, "Well, we've completed the preliminary exam."

 

"And?" Rodney is impatient.

 

"Every test we've run confirms it. That man down there is Dr. Carson Beckett."

 

Rodney fingers the dog tags around his neck that John made for him. How could it really be Carson? They buried him back in Scotland.

 

It takes him a little while to work up the nerve, but later that evening he pays Carson a visit in the quarantine room. At first it is awkward; Rodney just apologizes for not coming by sooner.

 

"That's all right," Carson smiles, "I understand. Any word on when I can get out of here?"

 

"Ah, that might take a little time." Rodney feels guilty.

 

"Oh. Really?"

 

Overcome with emotion Rodney suddenly reaches out his hand, "God, it's good to see you."

 

Carson clasps him back, "Think about how I feel. I'm the one who's been a prisoner for almost 2 years."

 

"2 years?" Rodney asks softly, sitting down on the chair across from him.

 

"Aye. Since M8G-352. The planet where we left Michael and they other converted Wraith."

 

"Right." Rodney is confused, "That's where you were captured…"

 

"Well, yes. You do remember, Rodney?"

 

"Yes. Yeah, I just… Well, we need you to fill in some of the details."

 

"Oh, all right. Well, as you may have already guessed, the treatment was less than 100% effective. Despite their daily injections, some of them began to revert –including Michael. I think they may have used their Wraith telepathic abilities to summon a Hive ship, but I can't be certain. All I know is, I was being interrogated by Michael, then he must have given me an injection of some kind, because the next thing I remember, I woke up on another planet."

 

"Why did he take you prisoner?" Rodney wonders.

 

"He wanted me to help with his research, combining Wraith and human DNA… Of course I refused at first. But then, one day, he brought another prisoner into my cell. A young lady. Couldn't have been more than 20 years of age."

 

 

Distressed, Carson tells him, "He killed her in cold blood right in front of my eyes. He said every day I refused to help, he'd kill another just like her. From that moment on, I cooperated."

 

"Carson, I'm-I'm so sorry." Rodney whispers with empathy.

 

"It wasn't easy." Carson continues, "I'll admit, at times I almost gave up hope. But that's when I thought about you… Colonel Sheppard, Teyla, and the rest of the team. I knew you'd be out there somewhere looking for me."

 

"Yeah…" Rodney's heart sinks, "See the thing is, we weren't."

 

"Weren't what?"

 

"We weren't looking for you. We didn't even know you were missing."

 

"Excuse me?"

 

Rodney feels horrible telling this to his kind-hearted friend but he explains further, "We went back to M8G-352. We rescued you from Michael. I mean, he got away, but we got you back to Atlantis safe and sound."

 

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Carson leans back in his chair.

 

"Obviously, not you-you but another you, another… Carson Beckett."

 

"Is this a joke?" Carson smiles.

 

"I wish it was." Rodney murmurs sadly.

 

"You're telling me there's another Carson Beckett walking around this base?"

 

"Well, no." Rodney's eyes cloud with pain.

 

"Rodney!" Carson becomes impatient.

 

Looking away uncomfortably, Rodney tries to find the words, "He came back from the planet. He resumed his duties. Everything went back to normal. And about 6 months later, he…" Rodney's voice gets shaky, "was killed in an explosion… To us, you weren't missing, Carson, you were dead."

 

Carson reels in shock.

 

"I know this is a lot for you to take in…"

 

"Aye, you're damn right it is." Carson complains. "First you tell me I'm not the only Carson Beckett, and then you tell me the other one died in a horrible explosion… Oh my God. My mother! You didn't tell her, did you?"

 

"Well, yeah." Rodney answers meekly.

 

"Good Lord!" Carson exclaims.

 

"You were dead. I mean, I'm sorry to be blunt, but we buried you. I mean, there was a memorial service at her church. I was there."

 

"This can't be happening." Carson stands up panicking, "I have to get back there. I have to talk to her."

 

"No, you can't." Rodney stands up as well, "I mean, do you have any idea what kind of effect that could have? Besides, what're you going to say to her?"

 

"I'll say the Air Force made a bloody mistake! That's what I'll say."

 

"Carson-"

 

"No, Rodney, this is too much. Get Dr. Weir in here. I need to speak to her right now."

 

Rodney blanches and Carson stares at him demanding, "What?"

 

"I can't do that." Rodney's voice is small.

 

"Why not?"

 

"She's dead, Carson. She was killed by the Replicators. Sacrificed herself to save the rest of us."

 

Holding his stomach, Carson sits down slowly.

 

"I'm sorry," Rodney feels so terrible about this, "I… I don't know what else to say."

 

"You know, for the better part of 2 years I imagined what it would be like the day I finally got back to Atlantis." Carson pauses and stares bleakly, "This isn't exactly how I pictured it."

 

"Maybe not…" Rodney sits down next to his friend, "Maybe we weren't looking for you. But we were thinking of you.

 

See these?" Reaching down, Rodney pulls his dog tags over his head.

 

He holds up the picture of he and Carson laughing together. "This picture… I never forgot."

 

"I , ah, ahem," Rodney's throat closes in emotion, "I never stopped thinking about you."

 

As he hands them over, Carson recognizes the photo, "Hey. This is my picture, the one I had in my room."

 

"Yeah. The original went to your mother, but John had these made for me… You know, so I didn't have to say goodbye completely."

 

"Oh." Carson looks touched, his eyes a bit watery, "Rodney, that's very sweet… Actually, that's very nice, to know…"

 

Carson hands the tags back to Rodney.

 

"No, no. If you're really back then I want you to have them. You probably need them more than I do now."

 

"Really, Rodney?"

 

He nods in certainty, "To remind you that you still have friends here and you haven't been forgotten."

 

"That's very kind…" Carson examines the tags more closely, "You say John made these?"

 

"Or had them made, I think. Um, he was really good to me, helped me a lot, helped me get through it after I lost you."

 

"Oh. I see."

 

"Oh, no. Not like that. I mean, actually, I finally ended up dating Katie Brown for about a year, almost proposed before it all, you know, imploded because there was someone else that I had feelings for."

 

"Who?" Carson asks conspiratorially.

 

Rodney lifts his eyebrows hesitantly and Carson makes a face, "Still?"

 

"Yeah, I know. We're not together, I know we never will be. But, it's different now. A lot has happened in the last couple years."

 

"I imagine it has." Carson looks wistful.

 

Rodney doesn't go further into his complicated relationship with John. Instead he answers the questions Carson has about what's happened in the time he's been gone. Rodney tries to go gently in explaining some of the recent developments, but Carson looks like he's about to cry when he hears Micheal has kidnapped Teyla.

 

His reaction is even worse when he finds out that a new disease that Michael is spreading across the galaxy is based on Carson's original Hoffan vaccine.

 

"All of this is my fault, Rodney. I knew he was incorporating my retrovirus to create his army of hybrid monsters... but now I find out that the deaths of hundreds of thousands are on my hands." Carson chokes, "I'm no better than a bloody war criminal."

 

"No." Rodney grabs Carson's forearm to shake him from his grief, "Listen to me, you created that vaccine to help the Hoffans, you had no way of knowing Michael would find a way to modify it."

 

Carson shakes his hanging head but Rodney tightens his grip to rouse him, "Listen! We went back to Hoff. The planet was decimated, their libraries ransacked. I'm telling you, everything on the Hoffan vaccine had been purposely looted, none of the research was left. How were you going to stop him from getting his hands on that? You were a prisoner!"

 

"Everything I've done... the retro virus, the vaccine... Rodney," Carson sighs heavily, "I'm even the one who created Michael in the first place."

 

"Transforming Michael was Elizabeth's calll, you can't blame yourself for everything." Rodney squares his shoulders protectively, "Your work could still be the key to destroying the Wraith and we need you Carson. Listen, I've made my share of mistakes, modifying the nanite code seemed like a good idea at the time, but I didn't imagine the Replicators would start nuking human worlds to starve out the Wraith.

 

"But you said the Replicators are gone now."

 

"Because we didn't give up, I learned from my mistakes and kept going." Rodney releases his vice grip on Carson's arm and pats it gently, "You're still the best doctor in two galaxies and I can't have you giving up either, okay?"

 

Carson rubs the dog tags Rodney gave him between his fingers.

 

Why don't we try and see if they'll let us go up to the lab, see if Dr. Keller has more answers?" Rodney suggests.

 

Giving a relenting nod, Carson stands up, "Thanks for not giving up on me, even if I am... dead."

 

When the armed guards escort them out, Carson gives Rodney a wary look.

 

"Just protocol, you know." Rodney nervously shifts his eyes away from the guards, "Just 'till we clear you."

 

But the news from Jennifer isn't what they hoped, Finding out he is actually a clone, Carson becomes even more disheartened.

 

"And you're certain it's from my sample?" Carson stares at the results on the screen.

 

"I ran the tests myself, twice." Jennifer tells them, "There's no mistake… I'm sorry."

 

"It doesn't matter." Rodney walks to Carson's side in solidarity.

 

"Well, that's easy for you to say," Carson's voice betrays his emotion, "but you're not the one who just found out he was made in a test tube."

 

"As far as I'm concerned, one of the best friends I ever had just came back from the dead." Rodney smiles at him, "I'm not going to quibble over a couple of telomeres."

 

"I thank you kindly for that, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm not the real Carson Beckett."

 

"No." Rodney persists in urging his friend not to give up, "No, you're not, because the real Carson Beckett wouldn't be standing here feeling sorry for himself. He'd be trying to figure out how to help us."

 

"I'm willing to do whatever I can, Rodney, but I'm not so sure that my help will be wanted."

 

"Why wouldn't it be?"

 

Carson looks back to the armed guards at the door and sighs.

 

.  
.

 

Rodney pleads Carson's case with Sam and John, but Sam seems to think Carson could easily be as dangerous as the other hybrids Michael manufactured in the lab.

 

"But there's no denying the fact that he's no ordinary clone." Rodney argues, "I mean, somehow, Michael has managed to reproduce his memories, his thought process, I mean, his personality. I spent some time with him, and I'm telling you, he-he's Carson."

 

Sam isn't convinced, "Doesn't necessarily mean it's safe to act on information he might give us. Look, he may genuinely believe he's helping us and still be playing right into Michael's hand."

 

"She's got a point, Rodney. What exactly is he offering?" John asks.

 

"He knows the layout of at least 4 facilities that Michael has on different planets. Apparently he likes to move around a lot, stay one step ahead of the Wraith"

 

"What about gate addresses?" John questions.

 

"Well, they blindfolded him every time they moved him, so he couldn't see the DHD. –Although he did catch a glimpse of an address dialed by one of Michael's mercenaries. That could be a place to start."

 

.  
.

.  
.

 

As they all suit up to check out this mercenary planet, John can see Rodney watching Carson protectively.

 

"Go ahead, Rodney." Carson assures him, "I'll catch up."

 

Ronon walks out without a word and Carson asks John, "Is he ever going to say a word to me?"

 

"You gotta give him a break." John explains, "He's not good dealing with this sort of thing."

 

"What sort of thing?" Carson asks.

 

"Oh, you know, clones, duplicates, people coming back from the dead. We went through this with Elizabeth."

 

"Rodney told me. It must be difficult."

 

"He'll come around." John slides a clip into his handgun.

 

"Aye." Carson slings his backpack over one shoulder.

 

John moves to help him get the pack over his other arm.

 

"Thank you." Carson tells him, "I must be a wee bit rusty."

 

"You're not rusty, Doc." John jokes, "You were just never very good at this."

 

"Fair enough."

 

Walking out of the room, John feels Carson's hand on his shoulder, "Now, John, I just want to say… thank you. For trusting me. You'll have no regrets." Carson pats his arm in appreciation.

 

"Doc?" This time, John is the one stopping Carson from leaving.

 

"Aye?"

 

"You forgot your radio." John tosses him one of the electronic devices off the table.

 

"No regrets." Carson reiterates with a bit of chagrin.

 

Once on the planet, they get into a small shoot-out but manage to capture a man believed to be a Wraith worshipper. He is injured in the firefight but still alive when they get him back to Atlantis.

 

As they lift him onto a gurney, Jennifer gasps in recognition. She claims this is the man who got away from them on the planet where Teyla's people were kidnapped. He was Michael's spy in the Athosian village.

 

.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4 during episode 18 "The Kindred" Part 1" & "The Kindred: Part 2"episode 19  
> .


	18. John's lips lightly graze Rodney's mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  _When John finally summons the courage to express how deeply he's fallen in love with Rodney, it really feels like he's being given a second chance to be with him again._  
> .

" />

.

.

 

In shock, Rodney stands by Carson's bedside staring at his unconscious form.

 

Jennifer said he simply collapsed while assisting in the O.R. After giving Carson another scan she discovered very different results from his initial physical.

 

His body is breaking down. Cellular degradation on a massive scale, necrosis in the organs, it has something to do with Carson being a clone...  _'No. No, he won't accept this. He can't lose Carson again.'_  

 

Rodney's throat clenches, thinking of Jennifer's prognosis and her paltry 'treatment plan'. Some souped up vitamin regimen to help stimulate cell growth and extend his life a little bit longer. But not long, ultimately she says there is nothing she can do, Carson is dying.

 

There has to be another way, something they haven't thought of yet. He won't accept that it's impossible. And he wants to rage at Jennifer for saying so. Rodney stays by Carson's side, pacing and reviewing the schematics of the nanites that nearly killed Jeanie before Todd helped shut them down. He can't see a way to make them work, not with so little time... at least not yet. But there has to be something. He will come up with the brilliant idea to save Carson's life. He has to.

 

But when Carson regains consciousness and Jennifer is breaks the news to him, Rodney hasn't a glimmer of hope to offer.

 

Stunned, Carson admits that physically he has been feeling terrible.

 

Unwilling to accept this fatal prognosis at face value, Rodney questions Jennifer's medical line of reasoning, "Why is this happening now?"

 

"What do you mean?" She asks.

 

Turning to Carson, Rodney reasons, "You survived for almost 2 years with Michael. I mean, shouldn't you have felt some kind of effects from this condition before now?"

 

"Yeah, that's a good point." Jennifer also turns her gaze to Carson. "Don't take this the wrong way, but at the rate your cells are deteriorating, you should have died a long time ago."

 

Carson looks pale, meekly shaking his head; then his eyes get wide, "The weekly injection he gave me. He said it was a sedative meant to keep me from trying to escape. It must have been some kind of drug to keep my cells from deteriorating."

 

"You obviously don't have any of it with you?" Jennifer asks.

 

"No. Michael administered it himself, one dose at a time… but when Colonel Sheppard's team rescued me, it had only been 4 days since my last injection. Assuming it takes a full 7 days to break down…"

 

Jennifer looks thoughtful, "We scanned you when you got here."

 

"Exactly." Carson tells her, "And if the scanner was able to pick it up, we might be able to isolate it and create more. We need to get started right away." He moves to get out of the gurney.

 

"No, no." Jennifer stops him, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going?"

 

"We have work to do." Carson says stubbornly.

 

"No," Jennifer corrects him, " _I_ have work to do. You need to stay in bed. The less you exert yourself, the better."

 

"You don't seriously expect me to lie here and be useless when my own life hangs in the balance, do you?" Carson is incredulous.

 

Rodney has to admit he sees his point. Besides Carson is the best doctor in two galaxies. If anyone could figure this out it it's him.

 

Jennifer comes around too and stops objecting as he begins to assist her with analyzing the enzyme.

 

.  
.

 

With some coercion, the man they captured on the planet finally gives them an address where he believes Teyla is being held. Carson thinks he might know the site and makes a crude map of the interior facilities. But he says the complex is difficult to navigate and urges Sam and John to let him come along.

 

Feeling protective of his sick friend, Rodney protests the idea once Carson leaves the briefing room, "Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second. If he goes on this mission, it could kill him. We can't ask him to do this."

 

Sam gestures to the map, "We didn't ask him, he volunteered."

 

"Oh, give me a break." Rodney whines over her sudden change of heart to use him as an asset; she doesn't really care what happens to Carson.

 

"Easy, Rodney." John jumps in.

 

"I'm sorry," Rodney raises his voice in emotion, "I'm just a little concerned that we're willing to be so cavalier with his life because we think of him as some kind of a cheap copy."

 

"He's doing it for Teyla." John assures him, "Don't stand there and pretend that you wouldn't do the same thing if you were in his place."

 

Right. God he regrets urging Carson to stop feeling sorry for himself and help them figure a way to get Teyla back. He'd only said it to try to snap Carson out of his depression. But the thing is, he is acting like the real Carson, just as selfless and determined as ever. This _is_ what Carson would do.

 

Folding his hands into his pockets, Rodney surrenders.

 

.  
.

 

As the team gets ready for the mission, Rodney sees Carson nearly collapse in the hallway.

 

"Carson!" He runs over to him in panic.

 

"Rodney, I was just heading down to get geared up."

 

"Look at you." Rodney whispers in concern, "You can barely stand."

 

This is too much, he won't watch Carson kill himself before they have a chance to save him; Rodney's voice gets loud and takes on the tone of a command, "You don't have to do this."

 

"You said yourself, the real Carson wouldn't sit around worrying about himself when he could do something to help."

 

His body sags at the futility of it all, "The real Carson also never listened to my advice. Look, you don't have to prove anything, certainly not to me."

 

"I know that… Don't worry, I'll be fine." Carson turns to the armed guard behind him, "Let's go."

 

Staring numbly at Carson's retreating figure, Rodney feels frozen and powerless. He doesn't think he can take losing him again. he just can't. Jennifer and Carson were making progress in isolating the enzyme, but they need a lot more time to figure out how to synthesize it. More time than Carson will have if he goes on this mission. And more than they have even if he does stay behind.

 

He supposes Carson has convinced himself that that this is how he can atone for the things he's blaming himself for.

 

.

.

 

When they return from the mission, it is without Teyla. They fought their way through the hybrids, made their way through the maze with Carson's help... Even rescued the Athosains that hadn't been converted into hybrids yet. But Teyla? They missed her by moments, just close enough to see Michael's ship escaping.

 

Now back on Atlantis, Carson's body is shutting down completely. Their only option is to put him into a stasis chamber and hope that a cure will eventually be found.

 

Swallowing his sadness, Rodney tries to console his friend.

 

Carson is morose about the fact that he'd almost gotten Teyla to safety. He'd run off during the firefight to find her, even managed to take out the guards to get to her. But Teyla refused to leave with him when she had the chance. She wouldn't go without saving the father of her child, Kannan, who Michael transformed into a hybrid.

 

That was when Michael caught up with them. Teyla had begged Carson to shoot Michael. And he'd tried. But his free will seemed to be stripped away, he wasn't able to fire the gun. Before stunning Carson and leaving him for dead, Michael taunted him, saying that as one of his creations he was engineered without the ability to cause his creator harm.

 

"I had him in my sights." Carson laments from the hospital bed, "All I needed to do was pull the trigger."

 

"It's not your fault." Rodney assures him, "He made you receptive to the mind link. It's how he controls all of them… the hybrids."  _'Shit, he wishes he hadn't said that last part.'_

 

"Still, it would have been nice to make a difference." Carson sighs in defeat.

 

"You made a difference." Rodney gestures emphatically, "We've got Michael on the run. It's just a matter of time before we catch up to him."

 

"Rodney-"

 

"Look, don't say anything. Okay, It's no big deal. You're going to go into the stasis pod until we figure out how to fix you." Rodney won't let himself think about losing Carson again; this is nothing more than a temporary setback in his medical treatment.

 

"I'm a doctor. I know my own prognosis. Once I go into that pod, there's a good chance I won't come out."

 

'Okay, maybe Carson's right, but Rodney can't face it. "Carson…" he gives a stuttering sigh.

 

"It's okay, Rodney." Carson pulls the dog tags up from around his neck, "I've still got these. So, I guess I'm not going in there alone."

 

"No." Rodney's lip trembles.

 

Carson looks up and sees the tears in his eyes, "Oh, Rodney." He reaches out and Rodney bends down to hug him.

 

There is so much he still needs to say, too much to fit into the time he has left. No, he has to believe there will be more time. Rodney tries to say something but all that comes out is a choked sob.

 

"Hey, now." Carson pats his back, "It's going to be okay."

 

"Sorry," Rodney blinks back the tears and stands up, squeezing Carson's shoulders, "I'm supposed to be the one telling you that."

 

He stares at Carson wondering if this is his last chance to be with his friend, "Okay this isn't goodbye, I'm just saying, when you get out, I'd love to go fishing with you because you're my best friend and I miss you."

 

"Fishing?"

 

"Long story."

 

"Okay. Well, best buddy, I guess I have that to look forward to. And I missed you an awful lot too."

 

"Okay, um, I'm going to go make sure the pod is in tip-top shape… and I'll, I'll see you later." Rodney excuses himself before he becomes a blubbering mess.

 

"Later." Carson smiles.

 

.  
.

 

Everyone is in the stasis room now waiting for Carson to arrive. Rodney has checked all the systems repeatedly, but he can't stop fussing. He looks up when he sees Jennifer wheeling Carson in; she helps him to his feet and keeps a balancing arm around his shoulder.

 

"Listen," she tells Carson, "we're going to keep working until we find a cure for this thing. I've got a whole team on it. Best people we have."

 

"Thank you." he whispers.

 

Either way," John speaks up, "we're going to get the cure, soon as we capture Michael."

 

Carson walks over to Sam, "Samantha, there's a letter in my quarters addressed to my mother. Don't worry; I was careful not to give anything away. Tell her you found it after you shipped my things. It's just some thoughts, things I should have said a long time ago."

 

"I'll make sure she gets it." Sam promises.

 

"Thank you."

 

As Carson turns to John, John grips his arm affectionately, "Don't you worry, Doc. We're going to have you out of there in no time."

 

"Colonel, bring her home now, you understand?"

 

"Count on it." John tells him.

 

When Carson walks over to Ronon, he hunches his tall shoulders forward saying, "This is exactly what I was afraid of."

 

"I know, big man. I'm sorry." Carson's voice is weak.

 

Ronon lurches forward and clasps him sorrowfully to his chest, then walks away in a stupor.

 

Finally, Carson reaches Rodney at the stasis chamber.

 

"Right, well," Rodney's eyes flit around uncomfortably "you won't feel a thing. Aside from a cool burst when the pod first activates. And your life signs will be monitored on this machine here 24/7."

 

"Thank you, Rodney.", Carson gets into position and looks at hims soulfully.

 

Speaking in a low voice, Carson tells the room, "I want you all to know that seeing you again these last few days, it was all worth it, no matter what happens."

 

Feeling a lump in his throat, Rodney begins mumbling about trying to program the stasis pod so Carson could dream of blonde women and fishing in the highlands.

 

"Rodney." Carson just shakes his head, "I'll be fine."

 

"That's right." Rodney points with forced enthusiasm, "You will be. You know, 'cause this is not 'goodbye', this is, this is, ah, 'see you later' That's what we agreed."

 

"Did we?" Carson seems confused.

 

"That's how I remember it." Rodney blinks back the emotion in his eyes.

 

"All right then…" Carson nods, "See you all later."

 

Typing into the keypad, Rodney sees a dim glow of light out of the corner of his eye. As he looks up, the hazy field closes over Carson's form, completely freezing him in time.

 

.  
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* * *

 

.  
.

 

John has a little free time to kill before he meets his contact from the Genii. He decides to head by the lab to check up on Rodney, but when he gets there, Zelenka tells him Rodney's been injured and gone to the infirmary.

 

Leaving abruptly, John hurries to medical, finding no sign of Rodney. He asks Dr. Keller what's happened, if she knows anything about an accident in the lab.

 

She rolls her eyes, "It was a scratch, I sent him out with a Band-Aid."

 

"Well, you know how he is." John smirks.

 

"You know," Jennifer gets a funny look, "I used to think I knew… but now…"

 

"What do you mean?" John asks casually.

 

"Well, for instance, did you know, that for the last several weeks, ever since we put Carson into stasis, Rodney's been keeping him company? I accidently overheard him the first time. I thought he was in the room with someone. Then he got all flustered and embarrassed when he realized I was there. But it's really sweet actually, he sits there, updating Carson on all the latest news on Atlantis. I never would have imagined. It's" Jennifer smiles wistfully, "–I find him surprising, I never realized he had such a sensitive side to him, he's just so different than how he seems…"

 

Looking to John conspiratorially, she asks, "You guys work together a lot, you must know what I mean?"

 

John scowls and shrugs, "So, you're eavesdropping on him?"

 

"No," Jennifer looks guilty, "No, not… If I have a valid reason for going down there… Sometimes, maybe… I'll admit it, I'm a little fascinated by him."

 

A sinking feeling hits John in his gut. He doesn't like the idea of someone else knowing Rodney or seeing Rodney the way only John is supposed to. Maybe it wasn't just a drink. Maybe she _was_ flirting with him. Rodney belongs to him, and she can't have him.

 

"Well," He tells her, "I know him well enough to know that he'd be really upset if he knew you were spying on him. You should stop."

 

Jennifer looks contrite as John walks out to find Ronon; John thought Ronon and Jennifer were dating, they're often spending time together. So why is Jennifer 'fascinated' with Rodney?

 

"You here to fight?" Ronon looks up as John enter the gym.

 

"No, I just…" he walks in close, even though there is no one to overhear them, "How are things going with Dr.- with Jennifer? You two still hanging out?"

 

"Yeah" Ronon lifts his brows, "out all the time. I'm giving her sparring lessons and stuff. Why?"

 

"So are you guys …"

 

"No, not yet, I'm taking it slow after Allina."

 

"Yeah. Okay." John licks his lips.

 

"What gives?"

 

"Um, probably nothing… Uh, I was just talking to her and I got the feeling she…" John realizes he's being overly jealous, "You know what? It's nothing."

 

He turns to go but Ronon stops him, "What?"

 

John makes a quizzical face, "You don't think she could be interested in Rodney, do you?"

 

"No." Ronon laughs heartily.

 

"So, she's never given any indication… she doesn't talk about him or doesn't seem 'fascinated' by him?"

 

"Definitely not… But you never know. Better make your move soon, old man." Ronon teases, "How's that going anyway?"

 

John's shoulders sink. He hasn't done anything about it yet. He's been so close, so many times… Ronon is right; he's an idiot.

 

"I was actually just gonna-" John points to the door.

 

Sprinting back to Rodney's lab, John finds him sitting at his computer with a Band-Aid on his finger.

 

With the rush of it all, John's chest gets warm, thinking about what is going to say. He wants Rodney to be his so badly. Is it possible Rodney could ever give him another chance?

 

Stepping into the room, he whispers loudly, "Rodney."

 

Rodney looks up and John gestures for him to come out in the hall. Looking around, he realizes this isn't private enough.

 

"What?" Rodney asks.

 

"Rodney." John looks at him tenderly, pulling him to follow, "Come on. We need to go somewhere private."

 

"Okay."

 

His heart is beating so fast, as he pulls Rodney into the secluded alcove; Even though he is afraid, he lets the immense love and longing he feels come through in his voice,  _"Rodney."_

 

But Rodney just looks flustered and oblivious. He doesn't know what's in John's heart. John will have to tell him. God. He can't think of what to say. How to... Maybe if he just...

 

Cautiously stepping closer, John tries to slow his breath as he lets his chest brush against Rodney's.

 

Falling back into the wall behind him, Rodney blinks with surprise. He is looking at John with shocked, wide-open eyes, but the expression seems receptive, waiting.

 

John leans in closer pressing his body to Rodney's, he lowers his head down to Rodney's neck and lets his lips brush against the soft skin.

 

He hears Rodney give a small moan.

 

That is encouragement enough; John lifts his cheek to brush against Rodney's face and whispers in his ear, "Rodney… I have to talk to you… I've needed to tell you for some time…" John's breath hitches.

 

"John…" The way Rodney says it sounds like an invitation.

 

"Oh God, Rodney."

 

John reaches up to cup Rodney's face with one hand and stares into those mesmerizing blue eyes. He could almost believe that Ronon was right, that Rodney could love him too.

 

"I, uh…" John stumbles, "Well, now that Carson's back…"

 

Rodney's eyes cloud with confusion.

 

"Well, if I'm not your best friend anymore, maybe… Maybe I could be something else?"

 

"Yeah." Rodney inhales sharply; his eyes get even wider, he seems excited "Okay."

 

John leans in, studying Rodney's lips. The lips he's wanted to taste for so long. His hands gently hold the sides of Rodney's face as his own lips fall into the spell, his skin lightly dusting the surface of Rodney's mouth.

 

"COLONEL SHEPPARD, PLEASE REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM." The com startles him and the sound causes John to jump back in alarm.

 

Now Rodney is making a pleading frown.

 

"I'm sorry." John reaches back to touch the side of Rodney's face, "forgot I'm supposed to be checking this lead on Teyla… It might be nothing, but if I miss the meet, we'll never know.  It won't take long, I promise I'll  be gone an hour, 2 tops." John lets the mask slip away, hoping Rodney can see the love.

 

And when I get back," He licks his lips, "I promise, we're going to talk."

 

"Talk?" Rodney wobbles and leans back into the wall.

 

Their lock eyes and it feels like Rodney knows everything in his heart. "Maybe more than just talk?" John asks with flirtatious smile.

 

Rodney's eyes go even wider and he flushes red.

 

"COLONEL SHEPPARD, REPORT TO THE GATE ROOM" The intercom blares again.

 

"I'm..." John reluctantly moves away, "I'm gonna miss the rendezvous if I don't go now. But I'm going to be in your quarters in about an hour, okay?"

 

Nodding, Rodney gives an intoxicated grin, his face still flushed and red.

 

John races to get this intel mission over with as fast as he can. But in his mind he's already back, taking Rodney in his arms. He is lost in Rodney's eyes, home at last. Curling up in each other on the bed, he'll show Rodney how much he loves him, he'll confess everything and beg. Oh God, maybe Rodney will give him another chance.

 

He's been lost without him but it feels like he's finally coming home. It really feels like Rodney will give him another chance.

 

.  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .  
>  This chapter takes place in Season 4, during/ after episode 19 "The Kindred: Part 2" & just before episode 20 "The last Man"


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